The Ramblings of a Forgiven Momma

New Blog

2011-07-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone is doing well! I know I never update over here any more, and I'm so sorry! But I have begun a new blog, detailing the new Spiritual journey I am on. I will hopefully eventually get back to updating here on random thoughts, musings, and family updates, but for now, come follow me on my journey to becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman :)

My Journey to Proverbs 31

Immanuel

2010-12-24T07:39:00.002-06:00

This morning, as my family slept, and all was quiet, I spent some amazing time alone with our Maker. It amazes me that in that quiet hour, I can be SO CLOSE to Him that I can feel His breath on my face. I can feel the warmth of His love in such a tangible way! It amazes me even more that He loves us enough to allow us to experience Him on such a personal level.

I was reading the status updates of my friends on Facebook when a church friend of mine for many years (most of my life) posted this: "When our lives look like a mess, we can remember why Jesus was called Immanuel.
"They will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" Matthew 1:23"

Wow. You know, that just goes right along with what I'm feeling. On this Christmas Eve, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Not in a stressful, shopping overload and too much candy making to be done sort of way. But, I'm overwhelmed with His love. I feel His presence so strongly in my life that I just find myself wanting to fall on my face and worship Him. What has me so completely overwhelmed emotionally and mentally is that, as Matthew 1:23 tells us, He is with us. Not only did He create us, but He joined us. He was born into a physical body to be with us. Immanuel-God with us! He loves us THAT MUCH! Can we even begin to fathom His AGAPE love? What is AGAPE love?

Webster's dictionary defines "agape" in 2 forms, first as a noun, and also as an adjective or adverb.

1aga·pe noun \ä-ˈgä-(ˌ)pā, ˈä-gə-ˌpā\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: love feast
2
: love 4a

2agape adj or adv \ə-ˈgāp also -ˈgap\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: wide open : gaping
2
: being in a state of wonder

Did you catch that? being in a state of wonder. That's pretty much how I feel ALL the time when I think of God's love for me! So, Immanuel means God is with us. I mean He is WITH US! And, that, my friends, leaves me in a state of wonder. He came, as a helpless baby. Not for himself. I mean, he's GOD. It served HIM no purpose to put Himself through the torture He endured here. He did it for US. To reconcile us to Him. Because He loves us THAT MUCH that He desires to have that face to face relationship with us.

My own husband doesn't love me THAT much.

And love feast. Isn't that really what His love is? I mean, He wants us to feast on His love. He wants us to CRAVE Him, like the desert craves the rain!

This Christmas Eve, let's remember what we're celebrating. Let's take time to stand in wonder of the Love Feast He's offering us, and the fact that over 2000 years ago, IMMANUEL came. God With Us. Let's not forget that He is with us, and include Him in His own celebration :)

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!

The Gift of LOVE

2010-12-16T07:11:00.005-06:00

I've been pondering the Christmas Season a lot lately. I know why WE celebrate it, and it breaks my heart to see HOW it's celebrated by so many. Now, don't get me wrong, if our financial situation were better, there would be a few gifts under the tree for our children. I don't see harm in giving gifts during this time, but I do have to sit and ponder on how over the top we go on this gift-giving escapade.

This is CHRISTMAS. It irks my skin to get CHRISTmas cards that say "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays", etc. I do not care how the holiday originally began as "Winter Solstice" as a pagan celebration of winter. I'm not pagan. I'm CHRISTian.

And I'm also tired of hearing that it's all about family. No, it's not. Family is someone you should want to celebrate such a joyous event with, but that's not what it is about. What WE are celebrating is the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. His sacrifice did not begin on Crucifixion Friday! It began when He made the decision to leave His Heavenly throne, and come to earth, as a BABY. He didn't just transport down here as a royal king, or some other noble. He actually went through conception, growing in His mother's womb, birth, nursing at her breast, unable to walk, talk, or do ANYTHING for Himself. He went through the terrible two's! He went through puberty. He was completely FLESH. He suffered physical pain. He suffered grief. He suffered. He did it for US. I mean... how can we discount what our Lord and Savior sacrificed simply by choosing to be BORN as a HUMAN? His birth began a journey of the most unimaginable LOVE ever walked. NO ONE could ever show the enormous love for us that He showed by deciding to be born as a helpless babe. He knew what we were capable of, yet He chose to trust Himself into our care anyway!

What if Mary had been like some modern day mothers who suffer PPD and murder their children, or leave their children at the door of an emergency room? What if she hadn't been the virtuous woman that she was? What if Joseph hadn't believed the angels and had left Mary to shame? Who would have believed that the SAVIOR could be born of what they would have perceived as a harlot? Of course, God's plan is perfect, and none of this did happen, but what if it had? Have you ever just sat, and thought about the sacrifice He made. not starting in the Garden of Gethsemane, but starting when the Holy Spirit combined His seed with Mary's, and conceived the Christ child!?

So, instead of rushing out to buy the best, most expensive gifts for your loved ones, why not take a moment to share the PERFECT gift with them? Remind yourself, and then your family and friends, WHY we are celebrating. It's because of His AGAPE Love that we celebrate, and His sacrifice. Not because we want a new camera, or because little Johnny wants a new Playstation. It's because He came, as a humble BABY, and sacrificed it ALL so that we could be reconciled to Him, and spend eternity with Him. Have you accepted that perfect gift? If not, what's keeping you? Time is not guaranteed, and you may not have another chance. You'll never go back from God's love :) There is no greater gift :) I'd be happy to talk to you if you have questions about this gift. I can be reached at brooke@bythebrookephotography.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tearing Down the Walls

2010-10-20T23:09:00.001-05:00

God's working. He's working in our youth, He's working in our kids, He's working in our churches, and He's working OUT of our churches. The only problem is that we're hindering His work by worrying too much about how it appears. We worry about how it will look if we eat some humble pie and fall on our faces in the altar. We're afraid of how it will look if we give the Spirit control of our bodies and speak in tongues. We're afraid of how it will look if we run around, jump up and down, and worship our Savior without inhibition. David played, sang and DANCED! Why are we afraid to dance for God? We're afraid to admit that maybe this "doctrine" does in fact hold a water just because we were brought up to believe it didn't. Why are we so afraid of what the world thinks of us? Why? Because it's not the world who judges us. We judge ourselves. If we see so and so over there raising their hand to worship, we miss our own blessing because we're too busy judging Miss so and so on what she did last week, thinking "Yeah… look at you raising your hand… you're doing it just to be seen." We're missing our own blessing in the Spirit because we're too caught up in what's "correct". I mean, we spend so much time and energy arguing and trying to disprove others' opinions that we lose complete focus on what we're here for. We're here to love. We're here to show the world God's love. We can TELL them about God's love until we're blue in the face… but until we SHOW them God's love, they're just not going to grasp it. I can tell my children all day that I love them… but if I don't SHOW them that I love them, they're not gonna believe me! We have GOT to stop judging one another! Who are YOU to judge someone else? How big is that plank in your own eye!? I had the realization tonight that someone I care about deeply is afraid to allow someone else I care about deeply into a prayer meeting, because he's afraid the other person won't like the way they do it, and will judge them. Why are we afraid to be who God made us with one another!? Why do we continue to judge one another: Lutheran, Protestant, Pentecostal…. Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ… come on folks!!!! WAKE UP! It is NOT about whether you agree on speaking on tongues, or on hopping pews, or on what music is ok to play and what's not ok to play! What it IS about is God's LOVE! That's what it ALL comes down to! HIS LOVE! He loves us SO MUCH, He sent His son… His own son, to die for us. To take our sins, and bear them on that cross… so that we can have a one on one relationship with Him! He wants to KNOW you! He wants YOU to know HIM! God's doing something big in our churches. He is. He's wanting to do something big in this WORLD. But until we stop arguing over silly things, and stop worrying about what others think about how we worship our Savior, then we're going to miss it. When we decide to stop arguing, and are in one mind, and one accord, and LOVE one another, as Christ loves us… we're going to miss the revival that's building! When Paul preached and wrote to each of the individual churches, he didn't change his "doctrine" for each individual church. There was ONE gospel, and He shared it with ALL of them. He advised them according to what Jesus Christ himself taught him. Jesus IS with us now. He may not be PHYSICALLY here with us, but He is within the hearts of those who ask Him there, and can walk and talk with you just as He did with Paul and all of the disciples.

I, for one, don't claim to be protestant, Lutheran, Pentecostal, or anything in between… I am a CHRISTIAN. I'm a child of the KING! And I love each and every one of you. God has really dealt with my own heart on this subject tonight, and I pray that each and every one of you will get something out of it. If I've noticed nothing else by being actively involved with my church's youth recently… it's that these kids are not afraid to make their way to the altar and pour their hearts out to God, and SEEK HIM. During the song service, in the middle of a sermon, or at the altar call. They don't care… they just want to meet God where He can be found! Didn't Jesus tell us to be like the children (Matthew 18:3)? How about we stop arguing doctrine, and start reading the Word that He gave us, and follow the commands He gave us. Jesus repeatedly emphasized that the most important command He's given us is to LOVE one another. Over and over again we are reminded of the importance of LOVE. Now, go out and share His LOVE and stop worrying about who's right or wrong! Don't worry about how your friend might think of you if you burst out in tongues. Don't worry about what the stiffnecks in the church will think if you take off running and dancing in the Spirit! WORSHIP GOD in the way that is most comfortable to you, in the way that the Spirit leads you to. And if someone does burst out in tongues, or take off pew-hopping, and you don't think it's Biblical, don't judge them. Don't let Satan steal your joy because you're so busy judging them on how wrong they are. Get down off that pedestal you've put yourself on, and stop worrying! Let God worry about whether they're right or wrong, and you just worry about YOU! And I promise you that I've only come to this little "rant" through the Spirit working on ME! I want to be like those youth at my church, who just don't care! Who don't care what so and so thinks if they literally fall on their face and cry out to God right there in front of everyone!

So Much Has Changed

2010-10-04T01:43:00.003-05:00

We have had no internet for the past few months, at least nothing reliable, and so I've been unable to keep things updated here. Hopefully that will change soon. With the world of Facebook, I tend to keep everyone updated there and neglect this.

Our world has been a myriad of changes this past year. We've had so much going on, so many things happening, and so many things changing. PJ finally, Praise the Lord, got a job in August (I think). He has been working out of town some, and he started school in August as well, going to school 4 nights a week and working 5+ days a week. I celebrated my 29th birthday in April, Nate turned 3 in May, JRay turned 10 in June, and PJ turned 39 in September. PJ and myself will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow, October 5th. It really feels like it has been a LOT longer than 4 years to me! But, that is the length of it. This is going to be a LONG post, so grab a glass of tea, a bag of chips, and get comfortable.

In late Spring, we started getting a summons to court over child support for Anna. We had offered her mother some form of payment to try to re-establish a relationship with Anna in July/August of 2009, and she refused money and said instead for PJ to use that money to see a counselor of her choosing. She wanted him to have 6 visits, and then she would meet with the counselor and see if he felt PJ should be allowed back in Anna's life. So, PJ humbled himself, although it wasn't entirely fair or honest, because it wasn't by his fault alone that he hadn't had contact with Anna, but her mother has never been able to swallow her pride, humble herself, admit her own sins, and be fair. Anyway.... he had his last visit somewhere around January-February of 2010, and we didn't hear anything until May or June, when Anna's step-dad contacted the counselor wanting to meet with both PJ and myself. We had a feeling what was coming, and did a LOT of praying and seeking God in the week leading up to the meeting. At the meeting, the stepdad was very hateful and disrespectful, and actually had the nerve to curse me immediately following a statement that they had been praying about the situation. (My dad later told me I should have asked him if that was the same mouth he talked to God with). Anyway, our fears were realized when they asked PJ to sign over his rights to Anna so that the stepdad could adopt her. They had the counselor (who is supposed to be a Christian counselor, but I had to ask him to open the session with prayer) give his input that he felt Anna's life had stabilized over the past 2 years or so since PJ had been out of the picture, and she would be better off if he stayed out of the picture. It was VERY difficult for PJ to hear. Now, believe me when I tell you that PJ knows he made many mistakes in his life, especially concerning Anna, until this past year when he TRULY gave his heart to Christ. BUT, the ex-wife and her husband share a lot more of the blame in this situation than they're willing to confess to. Anyway... we left there so heartbroken and torn. Our initial reaction (inwardly) was that there was NO WAY we would give up on Anna. But, we simply told them we needed to pray and seek God on this matter, and we would get back to them. We did just that. We prayed, fasted, and sought Godly counsel from multiple trusted sources. In the end, PJ felt that God wanted him to let her go for now, and to trust Him to bring her back to Him when it honors Him. I told him that I stood beside him in whatever decision he made, but will admit that I was very apprehensive inwardly about the decision. I prayed for days, asking the Lord to give me peace over the decision if this was truly His will... and, well, He did. So, the day before they were due in court for the child support issue, where PJ was facing jail time for nonpayment (you have to remember, we weren't being allowed to see Anna or even talk to her by her mother, so he refused to pay the child support), they met at her attorney's office and signed the papers. So, now, by all LEGAL means, PJ is no longer Anna's father. But we know that God has a much greater plan, and that no matter what papers say, she is still his child, and they will be reunited one day. It's heartbreaking for me, though, because Nate has never met her. Now BOTH of my children have sisters that aren't allowed to be in their lives.

A week after that, we went to church camp as counselors. THIS is where PJ found God, I mean REALLY found the Holy Spirit's annointing, for the first time. This is also where I got a fresh annointing, and where my precious JRay found the Spirit of the Living God! It was an amazing week that we enjoyed so much! We came home and Satan immediately attacked us with papers in the mail stating that we were in default on our mobile home payments, and had 10 days to pay the entire balance or lose the home. We had been living on unemployment for 2 years nearly, and there was a lull in benefits right after Easter that put us behind, and we were never able to catch it back up. So, here we are, high on the Spirit of God, and being faced with homelessness. But, we kept trusting God, and started seeking a place to live. This was a blessing in disguise for us, because this mobile home was literally falling apart, and had mold growing in the ceiling, and was making us sick! But, the home was still in my ex husband's name, so I kept up the payments for 10 years so as not to ruin his credit. Anyway, after 2 months of searching and being rejected for multiple apartments because of our credit situation, we finally signed a lease on a house in SE Decatur on September 18. PJ had to go out of town the 20th-26th for work, so my Daddy and a few guys from church helped me and the boys get most everything moved starting that Monday. It was a long, exhausting, and PAINFUL process! We were just starting to get unpacked when....

PJ's job had been going slow for the past week. They were sending people home because of lack of work, and it was ONLY because of the long hours he put in while out of town that we will have a full paycheck this week. On Thursday, PJ came home at lunch, and then received a text saying that there was a mandatory meeting that afternoon. Fear hit us in the face, and we were CERTAIN that layoffs were coming. PJ went to the meeting, and called me about 25 minutes later and told me to take a deep breath. He said there were no layoffs, but asked me if I was ready to move to Florida. Keep in mind, I am STILL unpacking after 2 weeks of moving. So, I said that I guess I have to be! Anyway, they have contracts that are going to be opening up here, but it could be a few weeks, but they have a lot of work opening up in Florida, and need volunteers to move down there. So, we're volunteering to go, in hopes of having a little more job security than we would staying here where there are more employees with seniority over him. We have not received any official confirmation yet, so it's not FOR SURE that we're moving to Florida, but it is looking very likely. So please, continue to pray for us in this situation! We want only to be in God's will, and to follow the path He has set for us. We just want to be sure that we're following HIS path, and not our own.

Other little tidbits/updates: we are down to 1 car out of 3 again... but Praise the Lord that one is still running, because the rear seal is going out in it and some precious friends of ours tried unsuccessfully to replace it! Homeschooling is going, albeit off to a rough start this year because of all of the moving and uncertainty. But, we still love it, and look forward to finally settling down somewhere so that we can really get into the swing of it. Nate is just constantly changing and growing in so many ways. He's quite the little talker now, and very much a daredevil. He has a black eye right now, and we have NO IDEA how he got it! JRay is becoming such an amazing young man that I am SO PROUD to call my son. God is all over this boy, and I know now, more than ever, (and I've known it since he was very small) that God has GREAT plans for him. He is still the most compassionate, unselfish, and all around amazing person. He blesses me daily with his servant's heart, and does his chores so diligently! PJ gave up on school for the time being because of all of the craziness of our lives. There is just SO MUCH going on, and so much uncertainty, that it was overwhelming us both. We prayed about it, and felt that God wanted him to put his time and efforts into work instead of school. Oh, and I won tickets from the local radio station to go hear Chris Tomlin in concert on Saturday night! We are so stoked over it, and are using this as a time to celebrate our anniversary :)

So, please, if I have not kept in touch with you, please understand it is not because I do not love you! I have had SO MUCH going on, and have been so overwhelmed with all of the changes, that the past few months are honestly a BLUR to me! What I have just relayed to you is just the Cliff Notes version of what has happened! There is so much more that I didn't mention, just the key points! We covet your prayers always, and we lift many of you up in our prayers daily! We are hoping and praying for a REVIVAL in the hearts of ALL Christians, so that we can turn this country back to Christ! We know that He has done a work in our hearts over the past months, and we are so much closer to Him than either of us has ever been. We aren't perfect, we still fail Him from time to time, but those failures are coming much less often these days, and that is ALL HIM, not us!

I will try to do a better job of keeping everyone up to date here, but, as my history reveals, I rarely follow through on that! Sorry!

Dear Momma,

2010-05-09T23:34:00.001-05:00

I just want to write you to and tell you how very much I miss you. Mother's Day is not the same without you. This week begins the anniversary of the last week of your life. This time 2 years ago, I was settling in after enjoying being smothered with love by my boys. There's nothing different in that sense this year. My boys made me a cake and cupcakes (I soooo wish I could show you the pictures and video of that!), and JRay, being the charming little sweetheart that he is, smothered me in hugs and kisses all day. I wanted to sit in your usual spot at church today, but it was taken when we got into the sanctuary. Multiple times throughout the service I thought of you. I thought of how much I wish I could look to my left to that spot, and you would suddenly be there, and this nightmare would be over. But.... you weren't, and it isn't.

But, I realize now that while my heart aches so very much to see you and talk to you again... 2 years is long enough to wallow in self pity. While my pain is still VERY real... my desire is to no longer sit around grieving by moping. I want to grieve by celebrating YOU. That's what Mother's Day is all about, right? You were such an amazing woman. Your mark on this world was quiet, but huge. We learned this morning of the mother who provided her last bit of meal and oil for Elijah. She had a young son, and was a widow, but God told her not to fear, and she put Him first. Her "trademark" was one of faith. Yours was that of selflessness, compassion, and LOVE. You loved everyone. There was no one who ever met you that could say they didn't love you. Even your mother-in-law, that you argued with over many things for most of your life, testified to your amazing capacity to love in her final days. What a testimony that is! You ALWAYS put your own needs aside to minister to others in whatever way God was laying on your heart at the time. You dipped into your tight budget to buy groceries for those in need, and I was included in that more than once, as were both of my brothers. You dropped everything at the drop of a hat to go be by the side of someone whose loved one laid sick and even dying in the hospital. Your funeral was full of stories from people I barely knew that attested to this. You put your world on hold to sit in the waiting room when I laid in ICU with my diabetes, and my own husband wasn't there. You spent hours upon hours when my 4 month old infant was in the hospital with pneumonia, just sitting and keeping me company, and holding him so that I could shower, eat, and stretch. You spent many a day and night sitting in a crowded little hospital room, eating disgusting hospital food, neglecting your own health needs when I was a pre-teen in and out of the hospital. You took food to those who were sick and hurting. You called those you know who were down and out. I could go on and on and on with the praises I could sing of your compassion and willingness to put EVERYTHING in your own life on hold to minister to and love others. And you did it all out of a PURE LOVE that comes only from God. You didn't do it for fame. Most people never even knew the things you did for others, because you did them quietly, and behind the scenes.

My prayer, and my goal, is to be HALF the mother, and WOMAN OF GOD that you were. Your love lives on in me, and I want to do it right. Please ask God to give you a hug and kiss from me, and each of my sweet children. JRay misses you very much, and talks of you often. Nate, while he only knew you for just under a year, will never cease to be told stories of you. And I know that he WILL know you one day!

I love you, Momma. Always have, and always will. The values and gift of love and compassion that have passed on to me are treasures that I value above all things. You truly are valued

Proverbs 31 (KJV):

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

You truly were a Proverbs 31 woman, Momma. The best part of it was that you didn't know it. You were so humble and meek.

Love,
Your rotten, no good, spoiled, but heartbroken and PROUD daughter Brooke

Win a $50 Amazon Gift Card!

2010-04-15T19:52:00.004-05:00

Not only is I Heart Publix giving away that adorable apron, but they're also giving away a $50 Amazon gift card! All in celebration of their birthday! How awesome that they're giving away gifts instead of receiving them! I <3 Iheartpublix.com :)

Go here to enter, before Friday night! Be sure to check out all of their awesome deals while you're there! Couponing has changed the way we shop and live forever! It's so much easier than you would think, because of all of the work put in my the wonderful ladies on this website!

Apron Giveaway at I Heart Publix!

2010-04-15T19:38:00.002-05:00

I Heart Publix is giving away an ADORABLE apron from Flirty Aprons!!! They're ADORABLE! Who doesn't need another adorable apron? Seriously? I mean, imagine having a house full of guests over while you prepare for them your finest cuisine (that you prepared for next to nothing thanks to all of the deals you found at http://www.iheartpublix.com). Not only will you WOW them with your awesome culinary skills, but you'll look FABULOUS while doing it!

Go here to enter now! Drawing is tomorrow night around 11pm! HURRY!

What is REALLY important?

2010-03-15T17:39:00.004-05:00

The hubby and I watched "Angels and Demons" late last night. I realize this is a controversial film among the "Christian" community, but it got my thought processes going and sparked a very interesting conversation that lasted most of the night in the form of pillow talk for us.

I got to thinking about the differences in beliefs among different denominations of "Christians". I mean, I may not AGREE with all of the core beliefs of Catholicism, but does that mean that Catholics aren't Christians? Are they going to hell because they don't interpret the Bible the way I do? Are Baptists going to Hell because they don't believe you can "lose" your salvation? Are Methodists going to Hell because they believe you CAN lose your salvation? Are Mormons going to Hell because of what they believe? These are things you'll have to answer for yourself. I'm not interjecting any of my opinions into those topics. Seriously... is all of this really IMPORTANT?

Here's my take on all of this. In the grand scheme of things, what does God really WANT from us? Does He care THAT MUCH how we interpret certain scriptures, like the issue of tongues? I like to believe that while it is VERY important to search, seek, and KNOW the Word of God... I also have to wonder that if we are condemning the Mormon church so much for adding to and taking from the Bible (we being the Christian community), how do we KNOW, without any inkling of a doubt, that the BIBLE, the leather bound book sitting on our coffee tables, is the complete, unedited Word of God? How do we know that during the times that the scrolls and scriptures were being compiled into one book, that someone didn't take the liberty of adding something here or taking away something there? We don't. There's just no way to know that without any doubt. Is that really THAT important? Now, before you chew me out for my opinions, just keep an open mind and hear me out to the end here, ok?. I'm not saying Mormonism is right. I'm not saying it's ok to change what the Bible says. What I'm saying is that while I see how no harm can come from choosing to accept the Bible as the inerrant word of God, we really can't be CERTAIN, beyond ALL doubts, that it's not edited as well by men other than those who were Divinely inspired to write it.

Here's where I'm going with this though. What is that God expects of us? Does He expect us to really sit and hash out these differences of opinion amongst one another? I personally LOATHE religion. And, to be perfectly honest, Christianity IS a religion. It's no different than Catholicism, Mormonism, etc in that sense. It is guided by a set of Divinely inspired but man enforced rules and guidelines. In lieu of being called a "Christian", I think I prefer to simply be called a child of God.

Why did God create us? What was His motivation behind suddenly, after how many gazillion bazillion years, did He decide that He wanted to create this planet, and these people? I like to think that maybe, just maybe, He might have been lonely? I mean, yes, He had the hosts of angels, and the Son and Holy Spirit... but how long is talking to yourself fun? LOL! (God also has a sense of humor, ok! Look around you!) I like to think that He longed for companionship outside of His immediate surroundings. He *IS* a relational God. How did He know that when He created man, that man needed companionship? If He had never known that loneliness, then how did He know man would experience it? He DID create us after His own image! So... now that I've worked through that train of thought for you... on to my main point...

What is it that God REALLY wants from us? Does He want us to debate on and spend so much time trying to come up with and argue "doctrine"? Or does He simply want us to: 1. Acknowledge that He is God, the ALMIGHTY creator of Heaven and Earth.
2. Understand that He exists Omnipotently as 3 parts: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The Father, who created us, and loves us unconditionally. God the Son, who took on flesh, and came to earth, and died a horrible, painful death to pay the price for our sins, take the keys of hell, and make a way for us to go to Heaven through His sacrifice. And, God the Holy Spirit, who lives within us, convicting us, guiding us, and urging us onward in the way of the Cross.
3. Understand that the ONLY way to Heaven is through the acceptance of Christ's sacrifice. To acknowledge that we are sinners, and no one enters the gates of Heaven without repenting their sins and accepting His gift of salvation. Works do not save you, but accepting Christ does.
4. That while works do not save you, if you have accepted Christ as your personal savior, then you will want to live a pure and Holy life that would make your "Daddy" proud :)

But, most importantly... I believe with all my heart, that while all of these things are critical to being a blood bought child of God... above all else, He wants us to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. He wants us to fall in love with Him. He wants us to forsake ourselves, give Him all of who we are, and LOVE HIM like He loves us! If we follow that firstly, then all the rest will just follow. He knows our heart. He knows our emotions. He knows our trials. What He wants is for us to love Him enough to trust Him with those things. And to share His love with those we come in contact with. There is no better witness to the unsaved than to simply show them the love of God. If you truly are in a close, loving relationship with your "Daddy", then His love will shine through you onto those you come into contact with, and they WILL notice. We "Christians" just spend too much time worrying about all of the little silly things, and not enough time with our Daddy, taking in all that He has for us. To spend time seeking His guidance through the reading of His word (I'm SUPER guilty of not doing this!), to spend time on our face in absolute awe and adoration of His mighty power and love, and to spend time just talking to Him. Getting to know Him :) Crawl up in His lap and sit a while :) You won't be disappointed!

This entire process was encouraged on by a song by Jason Gray called "More Like Falling In Love". Below are the lyrics to this song. I encourage purchasing his album :) I absolutely LOVE every single song on this album!

"More Like Falling In Love"
Artist: Jason Gray

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

CHORUS

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

CHORUS

By: Jason Gray and Jason Ingram

Rachael Ray Cookware Giveaway

2010-01-14T21:27:00.003-06:00

Shasta over at Faithfully Frugal and Free is giving away a Rachael Ray Porcelain Enamel Skillet Triple Pack in the color of your choice! This is sponsored by CSN Stores. Go over and check it out! Shasta is awesome about posting the most up to date and awesome deals out there! You won't regret checking her out, and while you're there, why not follow her so you don't miss those awesome updates?!

Enter Here

What's on YOUR Walls?

2010-01-08T20:52:00.002-06:00

So, once again I find myself with a two year old in the house. I remember JRay as a two year old. The WHITE quilt I sleep with still bears the marks of his toddlerhood, from the time he got hold of some colored Sharpies. This is my grandmother's quilt, so I have been broken-hearted for years over him "ruining" it. Nate LOVES to draw. He's quite the little artist. Both of my boys seem to have inherited their Mommy's creativity. So, of course, along with this comes crayon art on my white walls. When JRay was a toddler, I freaked out and cleaned them off with the ever famous Magic Eraser. But with Nate, it hasn't bothered me so much. Obviously, life has a lot to do with that. I learned the first time that it does no good to rush to wash them off the walls immediately, because then that just creates a clean canvas for them to start over ;)

But, tonight, as I was doing my business in the bathroom (yep-TMI, I know, deal with it!), I noticed the bathtub crayons sitting there begging to be used. I was bored, didn't take a book with me, and my Blackberry did me no good because Facebook wasn't moving. I picked up the orange one and wrote my name on the rim of the bathtub. Cool. I actually sat there and admired my decent attempt at handwriting for a moment. then I looked at the boring white light switch cover and though "Hmmmmmm... I could totally spruce that up". So, I drew a sun in the corner. Then I added some grass, colored in a beautiful blue sky, smudged in some clouds, and drew 2 flowers over the light switches. Not gallery quality, but I'm proud enough of it to leave it there :)

That got me to thinking. Why do we have to have clean white walls? What's wrong with 2 year old masterpieces? I mean, white walls are boring! Why do we stress so much over a few crayon marks (or if you live in my house, crayon, marker, pencil, and who knows what else)on an otherwise very uninteresting wall? I think I would much prefer to look at my children's artwork than nothing! After all, this is their expression of how they see the world, is it not? By golly, it might not look like a kitty cat to me, but if he says it's a kitty cat, who am I to say it's not?

I think maybe this is how God looks at our hearts. Do we really think he cares if our hearts are white and boring? They don't have to be white and boring to be pure. He loves everything about us. Those crayon marks are masterpieces to Him. After all, He DID create us. And while we are not perfect, I would bet He's pretty proud of His creation :) Looking at the crayon masterpieces on my walls only reminds me even more of God's beauty, because it's through the eyes of a child we see the world for what it really is. A gift from our Heavenly Father! Now, when I look at my beautiful dutch boy/girl white quilt with marker "stains"... I no longer see stains. I see a gift from my beautiful son that has lasted 7 years so far, and will be there forever to remind me of how much he loves me!

So-what's on YOUR walls?

Decisions

2009-12-19T23:34:00.005-06:00

So, it has come to my attention that certain people in our lives aren't happy with our decision to homeschool JRay. I'm going to be blunt here... so put your big boy/girl pants/panties on, ok?

This is OUR decision. Just like it was our decision to get married, and it was our decision to have a baby. It has always been OUR decision. We've always dealt with the ridicule from certain people in our lives that we have never been able to "please" with our decisions. It seems that for some people, no matter what we do, you just don't approve. I'm sorry to be such a disappointment to you. But, I am very proud of my marriage, my children, and I know that I will be proud of my decision to homeschool. I want to educate my son in a Christian environment where I am in control of what he learns, and how he learns it. The school system is failing him DRASTICALLY. My very intelligent, "A" student is bringing home C's and D's in his best subjects. And then I get notes from the teacher saying that ALL of her "A" students are doing the same. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge the obvious. If ALL of your "A" students are doing poorly, it's quite obvious you're doing a poor job of teaching them. I am confident in my abilities to be a good teacher to my children. Just as I was confident in my abilities to be a good wife to my husband (the one who LOVES me and WANTED to marry me-even when my own family chose to make it clear they did not approve), to be a good mother to the children I chose to bear (even though my family was clear that they didn't think I should have more children because of things they knew very little of the truth about), and continue to be a good daughter and sister to those who continue to make it clear that I disappoint them. I love you all, but this is OUR decision. Not yours. You can choose to trust me, and support us, or you may continue to not trust me AGAIN, and allow me to prove you wrong AGAIN. It's up to you. I really hope that you'll choose to learn from your past mistakes of not trusting me and my ability to make the best decisions for my family.

Love Thy Neighbor?

2009-12-15T12:38:00.002-06:00

God's really dealing with me on some things, so I thought I would click it away here and talk about it with my friends :) 1 John 4:7 says "Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God" (HCSB). So how far does love take us? Can we love someone, and even forgive them, without allowing them to be a part of our lives? If that someone has time and time again intentionally hurt us or wronged us, do we have to continue subjecting ourselves to such harshness in the name of love? Isn't it possible to love one another without liking one another?

James 4:6-"But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (HCSB). So if He resists those who are proud (which is a source of causing pain to others), shouldn't we be allowed to? Can we not love them while avoiding them? I know we should trust in God, and His magnificent grace, to overcome the pain that they cause, but should we continually be forced to expose ourselves to their hurtful words and ways? Especially when they are completely unapologetic of the pain they cause us, and basically refuse to accept that they have been hurtful to us?

So, tell me what you think? I mean, don't give me "Christ suffered for you" or "His grace is sufficient". I want to know what the Bible says about taking ourselves out of hurtful situations. Choosing not to have someone in your life doesn't mean you don't love them. Maybe it does mean you don't forgive them, but when you forgive them time and time again for the same thing, do you have to continue subjecting yourself to the pain? ESPECIALLY when those people are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ?

Is Santa Coming to Town?

2009-11-22T19:41:00.003-06:00

There have been a lot of discussions lately revolving around whether it is right or wrong to "play Santa" as a Christian. While I am NOT going to jump into whether it is or is not, I am going to share with you what I have been considering, and the decision PJ and I have come to on this subject.

Who is Santa? Santa Claus is a fictional character. There's nothing wrong with fiction. It encourages our children's imaginations, and builds their creative skills, which are very useful later in life :)I know what you're saying, "Santa Claus was real". Ok, no, he wasn't. However, Saint Nicholas was real. He was a great man who did wonderful things for the people of his village. He is a great example of Christian love to our children. So, what should you do? Only you can decide that.

We have decided that we will not play Santa in our home with Nate. It was done with JRay, and he figured out the truth on his own, and was not hurt that we "lied" to him, or anything of the sort. So, again, I'm not saying it's wrong to play Santa. What we have prayed over, and decided to do, is to let Nate play along in all of the Santa fun, but teach him that Santa is just a man in a suit, and the "actual" Santa Claus is not real. We will teach him the story of Saint Nicholas, and explain to him how God can use people to help others and change the lives of others, but it is ultimately God who is in control. On Christmas morning, we will have a birthday party to celebrate Jesus's birthday. And, we will have a cake, and ice cream maybe, and we will allow the children to open a couple of gifts from us and one another. And, while they're doing this, we will teach them about God's gift to us through Jesus. How Jesus was our gift from God, and about the gift Jesus would later give us in eternal life.

Now, from that, we move onto the Christmas tree. So many people say I am a hypocrite if I want to exclude Santa, and still have a tree. After all, it's "Pagan". Yes, the Christmas tree has Pagan origins, BUT, that was in celebration of Winter Solstice. We're not celebrating Winter Solstice. We are celebrating Christmas. To me, the Christmas tree symbolizes the gift of eternal life Christ gives us. The evergreen tree lives all year, and never dies (unless you cut it down, and even then, its stump will regenerate a NEW tree). What better example of Jesus Christ?! When all other trees die in winter, the evergreen stands tall and strong, and is still there as green as it was come Spring! Decorating this tree symbolizes the beauty that Christ brings to our lives! The lights that shine bright symbolize Christ's love, that we should be carrying to a dark and dying world! At Christmas time, as symbol of this, I leave my Christmas lights on 24/7. I do not turn them off when we go to bed. When I wake up during the night, I see the glow coming from the living room, and am immediately reminded of God's everlasting love, that never dims or goes away! How beautiful an image is that?!

So, anyway... this isn't a "holier than thou, if you don't do it my way you're a sinner" post. It's sharing with you how we came to the decisions of celebrating Christmas the way we do. I feel that in this dying world, Christians are constantly under attack. Christmas is no longer Christmas... It's "Holidays" and "X-Mas", essentially removing Christ from the spirit of the holiday, and turning it into a commercial circus to emphasize buying one another's love. Jesus already paid that price. All we need to do is accept it! So I feel that it is more important to emphasize the gift that God gave us in His son, and concentrating on keeping the CHRIST in Christmas. And while I do not believe that it is wrong to play Santa, I feel that it is just more important for my family, per my own convictions (well, mine and PJ's), to concentrate on remembering the REAL reason for this season, and teaching our children to stand on what is REAL, and to not give in to the world's attempts to remove Christ from the holiday all together :)

Where Will You Run?

2009-11-18T02:55:00.002-06:00

By Your Side
by Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

2008 Essential Tunes / West Main Music / Formerly Music (SESAC)

This song says so much about our Heavenly Father's love for us. He WANTS to carry us. He WANTS to have a relationship with us. He wants you to accept His gift of salvation! His gift of LIFE! Won't you stop searching today, and accept His love? You won't regret it! I promise!

Joy and Peace, Strength and Hope...

2009-11-11T00:28:00.003-06:00

Jesus What a Beautiful Name - Darlene Zschech

Grace that blows all fear away! Jesus, what a beautiful name :)

So I have disappeared from the blog spectrum, obviously. I've been periodically updating my photoblog, but have neglected my readers here. So much has gone on since my last post. I'll do a QUICK summation, then get on to my point of this post :)

PJ lost his job 2 days before they were supposed to hire him on. Yep. They did us that way. I've been dealing with severe depression. All of the normal health issues, we're broke, no money to pay our bills, no job in sight after TONS of applications filled out, among many many other "grievances" that I won't mention.

But ya know what? No storm is too big for my God :)

Tonight, I was sitting here, my heart so incredibly heavy, as usual fighting the depression that has crippled my soul for so long. For a year and a half, since my sweet Mommy went to her REAL home in Glory, I've allowed fear, anger, and depression to pull me into the depths of a place I hope to never find again. I found myself bitter, angry, tired, and just UNHAPPY. I've tried to "let go and let God"... but every time I've tried it, I've held onto just a small piece. I've wanted Him to carry me, but every time I tried, I kept gripping onto that leash that is sadness. I was afraid to trust Him again. I trusted Him so wholly before (or so I thought), and He allowed me to be hurt so deeply.

But tonight... as I was sitting here, thinking of the day that she went home... and again torturing myself with the memories of that horrible day... I posted a message on Facebook, and asked my friends and family to say a prayer for me. I was tired of fighting this battle alone. I WANTED to give it to Him, and let Him HAVE it. But I sat here a few minutes, and this voice whispered to me "Brooke... you keep asking others to pray for you to lean on Me, but you haven't asked me to carry you, to truly carry you". And it just hit me... wow, all this time I've been CLAIMING to give it to Him, but really, I wasn't. I was continuing to push Him away... to "handle this myself". (I've never denied I have quite a stubborn streak!). So in that moment of realization, I answered that voice "Take it. It's yours. Please, just take it, I don't want this burden anymore, take it all". And I LET GO OF IT. COMPLETELY. And, in that same moment, I could breathe again. This ginormous weight lifted OUT of my chest, and I CAN BREATHE. I can finally REST in the arms of the ALMIGHTY. I have a joy, and peace, and strength, and HOPE... and He gives me GRACE that blows ALL fears away. Jesus.... it really is a beautiful name :)

Update from the Depths

2009-07-14T11:10:00.002-05:00

I realize it has been quite some time since I posted. Every time I say I'm going to do better, but I never do. With the emergence of Facebook, I find myself using it to keep everyone abreast of the kids, PJ, and myself. But, I do realize not all of you are on Facebook, so, again, I will make the promise to TRY to do better! It has been a rather slow summer. We've had a few events here and there, but nothing major happen. July 3rd, PJ and I went on our first date in 9 months, so that was nice We went out with PJ's brother Tim and his wife Briana. We had a great time. After dinner we went to see Transformers "Prive" style at the Monaco. That was nice, albet a bit frustrating because of our noisy and annoying neighbors (LONG story), but I definitely can't wait to use the free passes we aquired as a result to see Harry Potter :) Then we spent the night with my precious In-Laws, and then went with them to their church picnic on the 4th. We came back to their house and hung out for a while until Bridge Street's fireworks that evening. I posted pictures on my Photolog. Then last week JRay had golf camp, which went very well. He is doing well at his new sport, and enjoying it greatly! Now if we could just get the grass cut so he can practice! (we still don't have a lawnmower! My brother offered to let us use his push mower, but there's just no way that PJ can come home after working 10 hours in this extreme heat and push mow nearly an acre! That's just wrong! Especially with his blood pressure!, and I CAN'T do it. If I could I'd strap Nate on my back and have at it!).

PJ is hard at work with his new job, hoping to get hired on full time soon, as we REALLY need the insurance. My neuropathy and gastroparesis have been acting up quite a bit. And to be honest, I LOATHE the free clinic. I hate to risk sounding ungrateful for free medical care. It's good to know that I can finally get the meds I need to stay alive, but it's really a situation of I'd rather die sometimes than to have to step foot in that place. It's horrible there. They treat you like a 2nd class, no, 3rd class citizen because you can't afford to pay for the meds you need to stay alive for a disease you didn't ask for and didn't do anything to cause it's occurrence. It's the hand we've been dealt, along with millions of other Americans at this point in time. We are hard working people who don't ask for handouts, just hands up to get back on our feet. PJ is busting his rear, coming in every day with his feet and knees killing him, to prove his worth at this new job. Thing is, he never stops working like that, even after his worth has been proven. Ok-sorry. I'm going off on a tangent now!

PJ is doing as well as to be expected. As stated above, his feet and knees are really starting to hurt with this new job. His knees have arthritis in them from those years of jumping out of airplanes for Uncle Sam. His blood pressure is out of control, and the Free Clinic won't touch him because he's a veteran, but he can't get down to the VA office to apply for benefits because of work, and it's an ALL DAY AFFAIR. He has tried twice already when he was unemployed, only to be turned away at the end of the day because they didn't have time to get to him. Wow, such respect for our Veterans in this country! So please, keep him in your prayers. I worry every day that he leaves for work that I"ll receive a phone call that he's had a stroke or heart attack! I almost lost him once, the same day I lost Momma. I can't go through that again!

The boys are great. JRay is enjoying summer vacation, but I think he's getting ready for school to start back. It's been so hot the boys mostly play indoors, which is fun to watch, but can get loud at times and have me begging God for mercy (and naps!). It's a beautiful site though, and I wouldn't trade it! I love that my boys get along so well! They are so in love with one another! It's beautiful!

JRay is getting into golf. He's doing rather well. His dad had been teaching him some, then he went to camp at Quail Creek Golf Resort. It was totally Christian based, and we LOVED it. Thursday night we had family night, and got to see him show off his new skills :) I do believe we have the next Master's champ on our hands ;o) I'll post pictures on my Photolog when I get done with this post. He has been unmedicated for most of the summer, and seems to be handling it VERY well actually. I may talk to the doctor at this end of this month about doing a trial without it at school, and see if it's possible to come off it. We've tried once before, but undoubtedly had to go back on it. I hate having him medicated :( He is such a joy to my life :) Always available with sweet hug and word of encouragement. God has big plans for this boy. He has reassured me of this since JRay was very young.

Nate is growing like a week, talking like a news anchor, and getting into EVERYTHING! Quite the busy toddler he is, and without a doubt a very strong willed child! It was bound to happen with PJ and myself creating offspring! LOL He is such a joy, though. Always available for a laugh, or a hug and kiss. And He has begun saying "Love You", which always melts my heart :) He wants to do EVERYTHING his Bubby is doing! The first thing he does when I let him out of his room in the morning is head to Bubby's room and scream "BUBBY!!!!". Then of course he climbs on Bubby's bed and jumps on him :) Ahhhh, brotherly love! It's amazing how much he has changed and grown in 2 short years! And I know the next 16 will fly by as well!

Momma has been gone for 1 year and 2 months today. It's so hard to believe so much time has gone by already. I can still smell her, and hear her sweet voice. I miss her so much, but as promised by many, time has begun the healing. I know I doubted that would happen, but I can say the healing has begun. It still hurts, and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about her, and I still think about her ALL the time. But mostly now I get a smile when I think about and talk about her. I can remember the beautiful memories with a smile and a tear, and I can remember the "bad" ones with a chuckle and a smile and a tear. I know that Heaven is so much richer to have her, but life on earth seems so empty without her. I see so many of her tendencies in Nate the older he gets. He is a lefty like his Nana (none of the other kids or grandkids inherited this) and that just makes me smile. Go figure the one who will never know or remember her gets that one odd trait. Every time I watch him eat or write/color, I just think of her and smile :) He has her stubborn will (which of course came through me ROFL), and I often catch him looking at her picture on the wall as if he knows her. JRay brings her up occasionally, and I can tell he misses her too.

All in all, life is well here. A few bumps in the road, but nothing to derail us. Keep us in your prayers, as we keep all of you in ours. Love you all!

MiniMe Baby Gear

2009-06-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

I have shopped here in the past, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE her "Wet Happened?" Wet bags. I own one and it is my primary wet bag. I love it so much. It's so thick, and holds in the wet and the smell SO WELL! Jamie, the owner, is an absolute DOLL and is great to work with you to help you find what you're looking for. She has the most ADORABLE clothing and gift ideas possible for baby! If you have a baby, or need to buy a baby gift, go check her out! You won't be disappointed!

Photo Contest

2009-06-10T11:24:00.002-05:00

Hey friends (and family)! I have entered 3 photos of Nate playing in bubbles in a photo contest put on by Gazillion Bubbles. I couldn't choose just one, so I entered all 3 LOL. If you don't mind, will you follow the links below and vote for at least one of them, all of them if you're feeling especially generous :) The monthly prize is a $250 gift card to Target, and the grand prize is $1000 Target gift card! And all winners receive a bubbles prize package. We all know Nate and JRay LOVE bubbles, and well, with our financial situation, the gift cards would be AWESOME!!!!! Thanks so much for your help! I appreciate and love each and every one of you! You don't have to register anything to vote, just gotta type in the little code and press vote! And, if you're feeling super generous, share this with your friends and family and ask them to vote, too? Pretty please! *MUAH*!!!

Photo 1:
http://www.funrise.com/photocontest/photo.aspx?id=060916570891

Photo 2:
http://www.funrise.com/photocontest/photo.aspx?id=060916554965

Photo 3:
http://www.funrise.com/photocontest/photo.aspx?id=060916432361

Summer is Here!

2009-05-30T02:47:00.002-05:00

So, the kids are officially out of school, VBS starts this next week, and summer break is in full swing! We had the boys birthday party together at Chuck E Cheese on Monday (May 25). Nate turned 2 on May 26, and JRay will turn 9 on June 13! They both had an outstanding time despite half of our guest list cancelling on us. There was only one other child there, Grissom, Karen's grandson. But, lucky for JRay, Rob came (his Dad), and he had a blast with him all evening :) It warms my heart to see them so good and happy together. Rob and I had our problems, and our history is less than happy, but we've both grown and changed since then, and he's definitely not the same man I was married to. I'm really proud of him for sticking around :) That's not so common in this day and age for Dads in divorce. Papa (my Daddy) kept Nate entertained all night so PJ and I could take pictures and keep the party moving along. They had a great time, too. Nate, however was less than thrilled with Chuck E., and wouldn't go near him. I thought the phobia of talking and moving creatures was gone, but I was WRONG! I just can't believe my boys are growing up! JRay is becoming a young man, and is starting GOLF this summer. He got a set of golf clubs for his birthday, and is using his birthday money to pay half his way into golf camp this summer. So far he's played soccer and basketball, and did bowling for several years. I think golf may just be "his game". Time will tell! And you know there will be pics and bragging to come! JRay was baptized on Mother's Day, which made me even prouder of him than I already was, and I did not think that was possible! I"m so proud of the young man he's becoming, and know that God has some outstanding plans in store for him! He's my sweetheart :) He's just got the kindest, most compassionate heart of ANYONE I've ever met in my life. He is SO SELFLESS! He humbles me daily with his selflessness! He's an outstanding Big Bubby! He always has been, and Nate just ADORES him :) I am so blessed!

Nate had his 2 year old checkup on Thursday. He has grown a whopping 3lbs and 4 inches since December!!!!! He's now 35.25 inches long and 29 pounds! He's a walking, talking sponge these days. His current love is BUBBLES. He can't get enough of them!

I'll be doing the photography for VBS this week, so pray for me! I hope my back can hold up. I REALLY want to be more active than I am, but when I do decide to push myself and do more, I end up in so much pain I can't sleep for days in both my back and my neck. Please continue to keep me in your prayers, healthwise, and for our financial situation. PJ is still unemployed. We never in a million years would've thought in October when he lost his job that 8 months later he would STILL be unemployed. I know that God has a plan, and He is beginning to reveal that plan to me. I'd rather not talk about it until I'm more sure on it, but I ask that ya'll pray with us on that, as well. It would mean a BIG change for our family. And while I know that if this IS what the Lord has for us, He will work out all the "kinks", it's still a very scary thought! Especially with my health.

I promise I have good intentions with this blog! I do! I do try to keep up with it LOL, but like everything else around here, it tends to get away from me! I am contemplating starting a photography blog, as I contemplate beginning a small business with my photography to try and help out around here. I have always kept photography as a HOBBY, because it's something I love. I've always been terrified that doing it as "work" will take away the joy that it brings me, so I"ve never really had in interest in making a career of it. I will say that what I feel the Lord calling me to do involves my photography, and I know that it is a gift that He has given me, and I want to use it for Him! So we shall see where this leads. I've also been sewing more, and am beginning to get to a point I might sell a few things like burp cloths and cloth wipes, etc to make a little extra money.

Wow-A whole year?

2009-05-16T19:15:00.003-05:00

So, I'm not doing well at keeping up with ya'll lately, and I'm sorry! No excuses, just been lazy!

May 14th marked one year since Mommy went home to Jesus. The day proved to be a bit more difficult for me than I thought. God did give me tons of strength, but it's hard. Today marks one year since we buried her. That was the most difficult day of that week, for me. Knowing, that although it was just a shell, and that her beautiful spirit was not there aside-it was so hard to know that when they closed that casket, that was it. It was the last time in THIS life I would lay eyes on her. I wanted to crawl into that casket with her and just have them bury me, too.

Not a day goes by I don't think of her and miss her tremendously. Life slowly gets easier, but when I do stop to think of her, my thoughts wander to that last night I spent with her. When she came over to get a BBQ sandwhich, but we didn't have any slaw to go on it, so she instead got a frozen pizza from me. Daddy was working 2nds that week, so she didn't want to cook for just herself. We stood in my kitchen chatting about nothing, in those M&M PJ's I know own and wear. It's so hard not to have the whole "If only I'd known" mentality. I mean, I'm fortunate to have had that special moment with her, but I would've grabbed her and not let go and told her how much I love her and NEED her in my life.

It is UNREAL to believe that a WHOLE YEAR has passed since that night. My heart is still broken that in those moments that all I want to do is pick up the phone to call her and tell her about the latest exciting news on JRay or Nate, I can't. Yeah yeah, I can tell her, she hears me, blah blah. It is NOT the same, and if you have not lost your BEST FRIEND you can't possibly begin to understand. People always have good intentions with those comments, but for me they just make me angry. I don't want ot hear "she's better off, she would want you to...". I want to hear what a great Mommy/friend/sister/aunt/wife she was. How she changed so many lives by just BEING there for EVERYONE. I want to hear "I can't understand your pain, but know that I love you and am praying for you".

Anyway-I miss her so much. We all do. She was so much more than "Momma". She was EVERYTHING to us. I just want to touch her beautiful face and tell her how much I love her and miss her. Heaven is TOO FAR away.

My Minute of Fame

2009-04-24T20:40:00.003-05:00

A few months back, Consumer Reports did a nasty nasty bit on how dangerous babywearing is, because in the last 10 years there have been 22 serious injuries associated with babywearing. A whole 22 in 10 years! WOW! (note sarcasm here) All of which were most likely caused by either parents being negligent in learning how to properly care for their carrier, or caregivers tripping and falling while wearing their baby, which would have been WORSE had the parent simply been holding the baby at the time of the fall, because then they would have gone flying. Anyway, I inserted my 2 cents in a comment on the blog that this was posted on. Imagine my amazement tonight when I get a message from a friend telling me that I'm in the Chicago Tribune! Me, down here in the deep south (AL) being in the Chicago Tribune. What happened was one of the blogs put out by the Tribune quoted me on my comments on the other said blog. Check it out here

So, I had my minute of fame. Even though I have not been babywearing for a couple of months now because of my sever back pain. I did however buy some fabric today to make myself a new carrier, because I do miss having my little monkey on my back when we're out and about, instead of down in the cart or stroller. So who knows, maybe my babywearing days aren't over after all :)

Happy Birthday Mommy!

2009-04-11T14:50:00.000-05:00

54 years ago
You came into this world.
A sweet and innocent babe
Into a dark and sinful home.
Each and every year
You celebrated this day
53 times here on earth
And now today, your 54th away.
But 54 is special
It's the best one of them all!
The most perfect gift is given
as you kneel before the Throne.
Heaven's throwing a party
For this special birthday surprise.
For on this one you'll see Jesus
And you'll look into His eyes!
Happy Birthday Momma!
It's the best one of them all!

Love,
Brooke
April 11, 2009

Long Time no See ;o)

2009-04-06T22:16:00.003-05:00

Yeah, I know. I'm a slacker. I'm so bad about keeping up with this.

Not much is going on here, really. Just living day to day. PJ still doesn't have a job, but I know that God has a plan and we'll survive :)

I had an all girls' weekend this past weekend with my wonderful in-laws. Mom Mac, Liz, Briana, Jennifer, and I took off to Canton, GA to meet up with Aunt Mary Lynn, Aunt Carol, and Kathryn for Carol's son Christopher's wedding shower. 8 women, 2 hotel rooms, pictures, games, chips, dip, hot wings, LOTS of coffee, and TONS of fun and laughter. All of that equals up to one very sore gut!

I love my in-laws so much. I"m very blessed. My first marriage didn't give me that privilege. So it's lovely to have a mother-in-love that I am PROUD to call Mom :) I can say wholeheartedly that I would NOT have made it through the past year without her. With the cascading avalanche of heartache that has erupted since May, it has been not only her love and compassion, but her guiding words of wisdom and discernment that have kept me grounded. I love you "Mom"! You truly are my other mother! I really truly believe that Momma decided it was safe to leave me in your hands before she gave up her fight to go Home! And if she didn't know it then, she certainly does now :)

A few pics from our girls' weekend.

Jason Gray on Lent

2009-03-09T20:52:00.004-05:00

Jason Gray posted this on his Myspace today (and probably Facebook). It's a link to his blog at The Rabbit Room on Lent. I know for me that Lent has never been the forefront of this time of year, and I never really grasped the concept of Lent until this year. I won't lie and say I"m observing it this year, but I have a new look on the entire concept after reading this. He really takes it to a new level that is admirable. For those who don't know, Jason Gray is a Christian artist. When PJ and I worked a local Matthew West, Sanctus Real concert, he was the opening act, and we worked his merchandise table. We had a unique opportunity to get to know him and his wife Taya on a much more personal level than the volunteers at the other tables. It's a night that forever touched me and changed my life. He's got a considerable stutter (although I honestly never once noticed it), and sings about being a "Loser" using the Beatitudes as a foundation. He allows God not only to use his strengths, which are not so much his singing (which is great) as his songwriting, but He gives the Lord his weaknesses, as well. And God has used those weaknesses to push a message of Grace and Love :) I HIGHLY recommend listening to his music, and checking out his bio at Jason Gray Music. PJ and I just fell head over heels for him and his wife at the concert. We received a copy of "All The Lovely Losers", his main cd, for helping. It has become one of our favorite albums! Ya'll know that I deal with severe insecurities. I always have. Jason's story has ministered to me in a way that is unexplainable!

Here's the link to the article. I hope you'll take the time to read it :) I really enjoyed it!
Cheeseburgers, Sin, and Lent

Love ya'll!
Brooke

Remembering and Honoring the Forgotten

2009-03-03T22:24:00.002-06:00

I am entering a contest to win $50K for my dream shoot. My biggest dream is to go to D.C. and shoot the Tombs of the Unknowns in Arlington National Cemetery. I want to honor those soldiers, past and present, who have given their lives for our country, yet remain unnamed. I don't mean just those who have given their life literally. There are so many from past wars who left everything to fight for our country, and came home to disrespect and strife. They live under bridges, in wheelchairs, in homeless shelters. They lost their families, their jobs, their homes. So please, won't you help me win this contest? Go to the link below and vote!

Thank you!

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T01:55:00.003-06:00

So I've not been keeping up with the blog lately like I'd hoped to. My apologies! I get so caught up with keeping people up to date on Facebook, I forget my wonderful friends in blog land! I'm SORRY!

First-

I did some Valentine's pics of Nate. Mostly just an excuse to try out my new flash :) I'm loving it btw :) The quality of my images has improved tenfold :) It's amazing what a little lighting can accomplish :)

Next-

We have babies! We have three precious white kitties, born on Feb 12. All are solid white thus far, but we do see one with some gray in its ears, we think.

Momma and babies hours after birth

Right at one day old

We're quite taken by the little sweeties :) But they haven't started getting into everything yet, either LOL.

My Little Artist in Training?

2009-01-25T19:30:00.003-06:00

Nate had fun "painting" tonight. He got an artists' easel for Christmas, and has been enjoying the chalkboard side daily. I decided tonight to get brave and break out the paints and let him use that side. The easel was useless for this purpose however. He likes "self-expression" much better :)

Honest Scrap Award

2009-01-25T17:46:00.002-06:00

ok, so I received this award from Anelys at Blooming Buds. I've NEVER been good at these things, so bear with me! I'm super honored that she thought of me :)

Honest Scrap award:
A) First list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!
B) Pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

So, here's my attempt at 10 things:

1-I'm slowly discovering that I am beginning to move through my grief. Nowhere near THROUGH it, but finally starting this long journey.
2-I'm angry at myself for moving through it-and even angrier that I had to cut precious family out of my life in order to do it, and angry at those family members for making the grieving process more difficult-but love and miss them terribly.
3-My walk with Christ is suffering as a result of #2.
4-I am FINALLY going to get some photographic equipment that I've been NEEDING for years in a few weeks :) YAY!
5-I have barely been involved with JRay's school this year. I feel guilty about it, but don't regret it. Does that make sense?
6-I'm SO GLAD basketball season is OVER.
7-I'm so sick of my negative attitude. I want to be positive and optimistic again.
8-I do not know what on earth PJ sees in me that makes him stick with me through all this anger and bitterness.
9-I'm secretly EXCITED that we will be having a house full of kittens again. Deep inside I hope that it will make some of my joy and happiness resurface.
10-There's a part of me, that regardless of how against OBama's principles and morals I am, is really hopeful that he manages to succeed in his promise to improve healthcare. I'm tired of having to fight like a bulldog to get the medicines and healthcare I need to stay alive! Maybe part of my optimism is starting to resurface?

Ok-how's that for honesty? Now, I am not sure I can come up with 7 bloggers! I'm ashamed to admit I just don't follow but a couple anymore!

1- CB @ Gathering Lilies
2- Bonita @ Bonita's Life
3- Crystal @ Crystal Blue Photography
4- Nicole @ Fingerprints left Behind
5- Gentri @ Frogs and Snails and Puppydog tails
6- Bridget @ Mama Belly Blog
7- Kari-Anne @ Life Moves Fast

So, TAG- You're it!

Here Kitty Kitty...

2009-01-17T20:02:00.002-06:00

So, we all know the story, right? We got Bandit from my sister-in-law's sister a couple of months after Momma died. Then, sometime in I think it was Sept, Lexy showed up literally on our doorstep (well, in the yard, but you know what I mean). She was tiny, crying VERY loudly, and appeared to be no older than 6 weeks old. We couldn't just leave her there, so we brought her in until we could find her a home. Then we fell in love with her. (doesn't that ALWAYS happen to us?) Fast forward a few months, and she goes into heat MUCH QUICKER than we expected. We were planning to have both her and Bandit fixed with our income tax return. We were HOPING we'd avoided getting her pregnant by booting Bandit outside for the time being. We were wrong. Now we're looking to be about a week away from having a house full of kittens, AGAIN. OH JOY! Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice?

So my sweet baby is gonna be a mommy soon. Hit me up for a kitten in about 2 months, ok? I had let Bandit back in during this cold weather, and after we were certain she was indeed pregnant, but he's wanting to play the in and out game, and I"m not doing it, so he's now an outside cat, keeping Garfield company. (Garfield was booted to the outside for the same reason, wanted to come in/out like crazy, bringing fleas with him.

But, I do love my "Lexy Lou". She's grown on me A LOT since she showed up. As much as Momma disliked cats, I can't help but think she told her during her poor time as a lonely, needy baby "Hey, go over here to my daughters house. She's a sucker and will take you in and love you". Thanks, Momma :) I love you too!

She has got the absolute most BEAUTIFUL blue eyes I've EVER seen on a cat. She is such a beauty :)And loves to snuggle with her Mommy.

New Year, Old Pain

2009-01-03T08:03:00.003-06:00

So it's a new year. And it's been nearly 8 months since we lost Momma. It certainly seems like it should be at least a little bit easier, now. But somehow for me it has only gotten worse. I know that Christmas and Thanksgiving had a hand in that-but there are so many things going on that contrary to what I"m accused of, I don't air all over the internet. My heart just hurts so deeply. I"m so confused on so many things. I had a talk with my sweet sweet sister-in-love the other day (I love you Lytha!) and she helped me to understand this "feeling" a little. I"m just so lost. I don't know how I should feel, how I should act, what I should say, or do. I want to scream at people who ask me how Daddy is, because don't they know I"m hurting too?! And I'm so used to people asking me how Momma is doing, not Daddy. And it just angers and hurts me all in the same breath that their life continues, nothing has changed. Not a moment goes by that she's not at least in the back of my mind. I spent some time with her at the grave New Year's day. I begged, no PLEADED with her to come back. It's IMPOSSIBLE to imagine living the rest of my life, however long or short that may be, without her. A HUGE part of me is missing now. I have this tugging feeling inside my stomach constantly. That "dread/worry" feeling you get when you are anxious about something. There have been things that have complicated the whole grieving process for this entire family, and those things are not fair to us-but we have to deal with them, because we can't change them. I honestly just don't know where or who I am in my own life anymore. I try so hard constantly to completely give it all over to God, and allow Him to wipe the tears, but it almost feels like it means letting go of her, and that would mean forgetting her! And I just can't do that. I know that all of this is not true, so I don't need you to tell me so-it just FEELS that way. If you've never experienced this pain and emotion, there's just no way you could ever understand it. There are no words that can truly describe it. Except for PJ, she was my BEST FRIEND. She was ALWAYS there for me when I needed her. ALWAYS. And now, when I need her most, she can't be there. Nate will never REALLY know Nana. I mean, we can keep her memory alive, but he will never truly know her, and have memories of his OWN. Only what he learns from us. That's just not fair. She loved him so much, and in the 11 months that she was a part of his life, she was the best Nana he could ever dream of having. When he was in the hospital at less than 4 months old with pneumonia, she spent all day EVERY DAY there with me and him. Holding him, rocking him, and LOVING him. She had love that no one person should ever be able to hold. Oh how I miss that love. There will never be another like it. She spent her life showing Christ's love to any and everyone she came into contact with. And her kids and grandkids got an immeasurable dose of it. It is so painful to see how easily the world has forgotten her. Don't they know they lost a SAINT? I want so badly to just be happy that she is in Heaven, and no longer hurting, and reaping her reward. I really do. And that does bring me some peace. But I want to be selfish. I want her back. I'm not ready to give her up.

Please pray for me. I've got a lot of internal battles going on (and some not so internal). Pray for my entire family.

What about Joseph?

2008-12-25T02:03:00.002-06:00

I was sitting here finishing up playing Santa, listening to a CD I burned from MP3's, and one of the songs I included is "Joseph's Lullaby" from Mercy Me. And just listening to the beautiful words of that song (look it up, it's a definite must hear), it just got the gears turning.

What about Joseph? Everyone always speaks of the Virgin Mary. The woman God trusted to bear and raise His only son. What an honor He bestowed on her, right? Of course. But seriously, where is the respect for Joseph? He took on Jesus as his own. Risked persecution from curious minds. Mary was chosen to be Jesus' Mommy, but, Joseph CHOSE to be His Daddy. Think about that a moment. What a HUGE honor is that? You KNOW that this child, who is not your own, is the SON OF GOD. You are trusted with God to be His father figure until He is of age to begin His ministry. How about this analogy? You (a man) have a fiance. She got pregnant before you were married, by, say... the President of the United States. The president is assassinated, or whatever, and can't raise the child or be in his life. So, you are faced with the choice to adopt this child and raise him as your own. Would you do it? That is a TREMENDOUS amount of pressure. I mean, would you feel like you could POSSIBLY love this child and raise him as well as his real father could? Would you ever feel worthy enough to fill those shoes?

I think that not only the fact that God chose him, but that he chose to take on that responsibility, against all odds, speaks MOUNTAINS of Joseph's character. You have to realize, that even after he took Mary as his wife, hew as unable to consummate that marriage until after Jesus was born. We're talking 9-10 months, nearly a year, before he could truly and Biblically take Mary as his wife. Jesus HAD to be born of a virgin.

I'm glad that the Lord opened my eyes to this. I am in awe of the man that Joseph HAD to be to do what he did. No doubt he is reaping his reward now with his Heavenly family :)

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T18:46:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to take this moment on a busy Christmas Eve to wish each and every one of you a Merry CHRISTmas :) Please remember the reason for this "season". I know I am, and am certainly more aware than ever this year of the 2nd reason-family. Right now I would normally be spending time with Momma and my family. So please keep me and my family in your prayers these next few days as we spend our first Christmas without her.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Closure-Self Esteem

2008-12-15T14:44:00.003-06:00

First, let me clarify from the last post something that I posted, and didn't mean it how I posted it. We ARE saved by faith. What was meant in that post is that it is because of convictions that we turn to confess our sins and accept salvation. Through salvation, the "seed" of faith is planted within us, and as we grow in our spiritual walk, that seed (which is our faith) also grows. Are we on the same page now? Good. Let's move on....

Ok. After prayer, and shortly after, a phonecall from Dad, with tons of resources at his fingertips, and lots and lots of scriptures, I have found the scripture that answers it for me.

1 John 3:16-23 (New King James Version)

The Outworking of Love

16 By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. 17 But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him?
18 My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. 19 And by this we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before Him. 20 For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. 21 Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. 22 And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. 23 And this is His commandment: that we should believe on the name of His Son Jesus Christ and love one another, as He gave us commandment.

So basically, what it boils down to is that if we are walking in faith, and living in the truth, and KNOW we are living in the truth, then there will be no doubt in ourselves. But even in the weakest of moments, when we do doubt ourselves, or as the scripture says, condemn ourselves, God is greater than that doubt, that insecurity. He knows our hearts better than we do. He knows my heart just as well as he knows the heart of the prideful man standing next to me. That within itself should give us comfort in who we are, and help us to be able to boldly stand and speak His name, without fear of persecution. After all, the worst that can happen is death of the flesh, and that just sends us to our Heavenly Father! How is that bad??? And of course, that boils down to having faith, and trusting God wholeheartedly to take care of us, and know that He will reward us, whether we feel worthy of that reward or not.

Paul says it best (as he always does!) in 1 Corinthians 15:9

1 Corinthians 15:9-11 (New King James Version)

9 For I am the least of the apostles, who am not worthy to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10 But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me. 11 Therefore, whether it was I or they, so we preach and so you believed.

So, whether I feel worthy to be called a child of God, a pastor, a missionary, a teacher, or whatever God has called me to be, or not-I am what God has made me, and what He has called me to be. And that, simply put, is enough. It just doesn't matter what man thinks. God's opinion is the only one that matters :)

The seed of faith...

2008-12-15T12:41:00.002-06:00

ok, so now it's come to my attention, and is helping me to link things together, that we are not saved by faith, but through our convictions. At the time of salvation, a seed of faith is planted. That seed is the measure of faith that He's given to us. As we grow in our walk as a Christian, so does that seed, or our faith grow. So, keeping with my interpretation of measure as "all"- what is all of my faith now, should not be all of my faith later. My faith should continue to grow. Ok, so hopefully that made sense to you? I've worked out, with some help, the measure confusion. If you are still confused, I"ll happily try to explain it to you more.

Bear with me, I think in random order! I"m trying to keep it all together here!

So now, I'm going to take a break. Do some praying, and seek God's answer for this nagging question:

When does self-esteem cross the line and become pride?

Continuing on...

2008-12-15T12:19:00.002-06:00

let's continue on these ramblings a bit further, and see what unfolds, shall we?

Digging through the scriptures, we see faith alluded to in many "measures". There's great faith, little faith, no faith, faith of a mustard seed...

So how much is this measure? Is it a little? A lot? Just enough? How much is a little? How much is great? I mean, just a little bit of your faith may be a GREAT amount of faith for me? Right? The amount of faith you have is the amount you allow yourself to have. I just can't see from my readings that God determines how much faith we have. He has determined how much we're CAPABLE of. That was built into our very being when He created us. But, only we can decide how much faith we WILL have. So back to Romans 12:3, no, let's go back farther.

Romans 12:2
"And, do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

aaaaahhhhh-it's starting to click. When we transform our mind, by reading the scriptures, we learn what is the will of God. Then we open our mind, and our put down our pride, because, this is the will of God. So then, by putting down our pride, studying the Word, living in the Word, we think soberly. We think like God. And since God did create us to have faith-we allow Him to transform our hearts and our minds to what He has built us to be. So then that "measure" of faith is simply put, ALL of our faith. Not just some of it, not most of it, but ALL of it.

So to the self esteem issue. How much is too much? Are pride and self esteem equal? We know we are to put down pride. But what is the BIBLICAL difference between pride and self esteem?

Self Esteem Take 2

2008-12-15T11:46:00.002-06:00

Ok-so let's continue that topic. I want to pick back up with Romans 12:3. There's A LOT in that little verse, I think. And trust me when I tell you, we're picking this apart together, because I'm still trying to understand it myself.

Romans 12:3-"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith"

So, think soberly. Ok, there's that whole issue. Should Christians drink? Is it a sin? I personally don't believe that the act of drinking is a sin, but I do not believe Christians should drink. The Bible really isn't black and white on this one. No where in the Bible does it say not to consume alcohol. BUT-here, it says to think soberly. So drunkenness is a sin then? That's what I take from it. You'll have to work this topic out between yourself and the Lord, though. That's not really where I want to hover...let's move on.

What about this "measure" of faith that He's dealt to each one? What exactly IS a measure of faith? We go to Ephesians 4:7;

"But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ's gift."

There's that measure again. How much is a "measure"? Where do we find the answer to this? What is Paul referring to? Let's dig some more, shall we?

In my searches of the vast world wide web so far, I've seen one guy say that we don't get faith by ourselves. That God determines how much faith we have, and deals it to each one accordingly, using certain measures to determine how much you get. Ok... really? I can't seem to even BEGIN to believe that. If that were the case, then why does God even tell us to have faith in Him? If he's already dealt it out and knows how much faith we have, why does He test our faith? Sounds like this guy is of that predestination crowd. No thanks... I"ll keep searching my Bible.

So now what? I still don't have answers to what a "measure" of faith is? So far we have:
1. a measure of faith (Rom. 12:3)
2. a measure of Christ's gift (Eph. 4:7)

How can one word stump me so much? How is that this one word is keeping me from fully understanding this scripture, and what I need to take from it? Am I reading too far into it? I don't think so... I really feel that this "measure" of faith will help me to understand the original issue-how much self esteem is too much?

Stay tuned for more as I seek God on this. Please, feel free to add your comments/suggestions.

Self Esteem

2008-12-15T05:46:00.002-06:00

So last night, we went to a Christmas show put on by a church at a local golf resort. So, the majority of the people there were of the economic status that most people who frequent golf resorts are. Which is well, way above mine :) Anyone who knows me WELL knows that I struggle with self esteem issues. I always have. My beautiful mother, God rest her precious soul, handed this trait down to me. You would think that seeing the huge impact she made with her service to God on this world, even though she thought she was "no one", would open my eyes. So this event was nice. REALLY nice. Get my drift? I mean, it was fun, I did enjoy the show, don't get me wrong. But I get REALLY uncomfortable around "upper class" people. It's nothing more than insecurity on my part.

So this has had me thinking all night. I mean, as a Christian, I should have better self esteem, right? God thinks I am good enough to send his son to die for me, so I must be pretty good? Right???? But really, even my precious Momma wasn't good enough for Heaven. Neither am I. Neither are you. It's hard to understand this issue. God loves us SO MUCH He'd send His son to die for us. Now, think about that, ok? As a mother, I'd die for my children in a heartbeat! But you can bet your bottom I would NOT send my son to die for you. NO WAY! I couldn't do it. Anyway...getting OT. So how am I SUPPOSED to feel about myself? Am I supposed to think highly of myself? Or lowly? How often did Paul speak of himself highly? Never, right? Time and time again we hear those we all regard as such wonderful men of God in the Bible cry out to God, and ask Him why He chose them, they're not worthy!?

Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself". Ok, I have the lowliness of mind down pat. What about esteeming others better than himself? I have a hard time with that. I can't STAND people who think they're better than me, yet I often feel like everyone is better than me? So where's the black/white? I'm kind of tired of living in the grey. Again, with God, it's all or nothing. There is no grey.

Romans 12:3-"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith". Ok... so don't think higher than I ought to think... so am I allotted an amount of "highly" to think of myself? Or is it just simply that I am to continue thinking of myself as lowly, and pray for others, and not concern myself with them not doing the same? Let God handle it?

I'm sure this all makes NO SENSE. These are, as always, just the ramblings of a forgiven but often times confused and searching Momma. God help me to hear what You have to say, and to trust You to lead me in the way that You'd have me to go.

Storms

2008-12-09T23:26:00.003-06:00

So, it's nice and stormy here tonight. I decide to use this as a photographic opportunity, and opened the door, set up the tripod and camera, set a 30 second exposure, and spent about 20 minutes taking pictures. I saved 20 pictures from that shoot, and what amazed me is that through that time, although there might have been a teenie flash of lightening here and there that didn't seem to affect the exposure, the color of the sky changed. This was not visible to the naked eye, only on the camera's sensor. It went from orange to green, back to orange, etc. I have no idea why this is. I have an email in to the local meteorologist with the pictures asking him why :) So if I get an answer I'll let you know what he says. Anyway, here are the pics. Of course this was with no flash (hence the 30 second exposure time). Some of you will understand what I"m talking about, others won't LOL. Regardless, enjoy the show :) Oh, the 2nd shot and the last shot both contained a fairly bright flash of lightening near the end of the exposure.

Bridge Street Town Centre

2008-12-02T21:39:00.002-06:00

So, Thanksgiving night the extended fam and I took a stroll through Bridge Street Town Centre in Huntsville, AL. We wanted to see the decorations and huge Christmas tree. It was so mesmerizing. The beauty, and serenity that place holds is breathtaking.

Here are a few shots I took. **Warning-VERY picture heavy**

The rest can be seen here

Another Contest from Along For The Ride

2008-11-25T21:12:00.002-06:00

Win a Free Organic Embroidered Ergo Baby Carrier Hands Free System from Along for the Ride

GREAT giveaway this time! Very unique and one of a kind!

Heart of Thanksgiving

2008-11-24T15:20:00.002-06:00

I've had some time to think on Thanksgiving. Obviously, with the loss of Momma this year, I was not really in the "mood" for Thanksgiving, and was dreading Christmas. But, I went to Brent's church yesterday, and his message made so much sense to me. God used my own brother, who is going through the same emotions I"m feeling, to help me to see just what I DO have to be thankful for.

Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry at times. I want my Momma back. But-there's no doubt about, I am loved. Not only by much church family, and my immediate family. I have come to realize how much I am loved by my extended family. My precious in-laws have been there for us time and time again. And while I loved them, and was grateful for their help, I wasn't grateful for THEM. God opened my eyes this weekend to see that I have so much to be grateful for. Instead of feeling deprived of my Momma, I'm so grateful that she is no longer in pain, she is with our Savior. She is singing, and dancing, and praising Him with no hurt, no health issues, NO STRESS. She has nothing to worry about anymore. I have my wonderful husband, who despite my moodiness, my depression, my incessant fits about not understanding why life is the way it is, loves me. He cares for me. He takes care of me. I love you PJ, and I am VERY grateful for YOU. I have two amazing boys. I get upset so often that I can not have more children, but instead it's time I realize just HOW BLESSED I am to have 2 healthy, loving, smart, and just BEAUTIFUL children, who love me no matter what. Who look at me through eyes unclouded with judgement. They love me just as much when I punish them as they do when I smother them with kisses! I love you Justin and Nate, and I am SO GRATEFUL for you! I have come to realize that instead of being angry with my Daddy for remarrying so quickly after Momma's death, I'm indeed grateful that he has been able to find happiness again. I"m still dealing with this area, but God is bringing me through it. And I love my Daddy, and Karen, and am grateful for them both. I have a home, I have heat, I have food, and I have clothing. None of them are high class, or even GOOD by most standards. But, they are much better than sleeping under the bridge with nothing more than the clothes on my back and the tent or box that I sleep in. I am grateful for my home, in spite of how small and run down it might be. I have a car to get me to where I need to go. It might be old, it might be falling apart as well, but, it gets me there. I do not have to walk or ride a bike to where I need to go.

And, last, but most importantly, I have breath. Goodness knows my health is not good by any means. I get so disgusted with having to do all the insulin and watching what I eat, the nerve damage, the painful arthritis in my spine and joints. But, I am breathing. I am here, spending another minute with all those previously mentioned. I am not bedridden. I am not in a coma. I am not in a wheelchair, or have anything that prevents my activities. I might be limitied in my activities, but I am not prevented. For that, I am grateful!

I have A LOT to be grateful for! I bet if you really look deep, you'll find a lot too :) Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Please remember that no matter how difficult your life is, someone out there has it worse.

And I'll end with a slideshow of the boys' Christmas pics. There were many more, of course, but there were, in my opinion, the best :) JRay did so awesome!!!!

Rather Entertaining thoughts...

2008-11-03T17:14:00.001-06:00

So, I have just heard some rather amusing news. Computer Support Systems (PJ's ridiculous previous employer) is now suing S3 Integration (PJ's most recent previous employer, that he was just let go from on Wed)for nonpayment of approximately $40,000. Does anyone else find this as hilariously amusing as I do? What goes around comes around people. This is a prime example. It's a circle of dishonesty and greed, on both sides.

Photo Facelifts

2008-10-28T01:18:00.002-05:00

So, I'm trying my hand at photo restoration, and chose my Mom's two baby/toddler pics as my first projects. I"m not yet happy with the baby one, so I'll be working on it more when it's not 1am, but I'm pretty happy with the black and white. So I thought I would share these beautiful pics of my gorgeous Mommy. The toddler one is where she won a beauty contest, and this picture is on a calendar :)

Baby Before:

Baby After

Toddler Before

and Toddler After

I never realized how much Nate favors her until I paid attention to her face in the toddler one. He doesn't have her eyes, but there's just something about her face that screams Nana to me. And everyone is convinced he looks like Papa and Daddy. Maybe I just WANT to see it. Who knows.

Don't get upset that I have these Craig and Brent. Ya'll will have them too :) I promise!

Fall Pictures

2008-10-17T18:34:00.002-05:00

So, obviously, Fall is in the air. There's a chill out tonight, football is halfway through, Halloween is 2 weeks away. It's that time of year. Lots of changes. Things dying, going into hibernation, people staying in more. Life slows down for a brief moment this time of year. And then the Christmas season comes in and it becomes chaos for most. Isn't it funny how our lives go through such similar seasons? One day we're young, full of life, beauty. Then things start to wither, cool down, die off. We spend a season covered by cold, dead to ourselves, to God, and to those around us, but then, somehow, God's great Love breaks through again, like the sun breaking through the cold clouds in the springtime? And we begin to sprout new, young seedlings, that grow with the blessings of rain, and become beautiful flowers. Then things get hot, then we die, and the cycle starts over again. Life is a cycle. But that doesn't mean our souls have to be. Fall doesn't have to hit our soul. I know it has been "Fall" in my soul for 5 months now. But I'm not going to allow winter to come. I am ready to skip Winter and go straight to Spring again. Pray for me that I'll be able to do that?

Took some pics the last few days of Naynay. It wasn't easy. He's not quite as fun to photograph as he once was. He doesn't STAY anymore.

Enjoy :)

S3 Who?

2008-10-14T18:40:00.002-05:00

So, these morons at PJ's supposed great job are at it again. S3 Integrations coerced him away from CSS back in May/June with promises of a brighter future. To hire on within a month with full benefits and a personal work van, higher pay, more respect. Hah, one empty promise after another.

We are STILL not hired on. Yep, like 4 months into this gig, they keep making excuses to push the hiring back. I have lost count of how many times they have forgotten to pay us. Yep, they just don't send the check. Or this time their excuse is they didn't receive the time from PJ's supervisor. Well, he CC'd PJ the email when he sent it last week. They STILL owe us gas reimbursement from 2 months ago when PJ had to drive our rickety van to B'ham to work. This check they forgot to pay us only has 2 days worth of work out of 2 weeks.

Seriously, they are currently doing a job for the SSA office in B'ham, and supposedly have a contract for US Steele in B'ham. Tell me, how confident would you feel having S3 Integrations install your security systems if you knew they couldn't even get it together enough to pay their employees? Or heck, work their employees enough hours to allow them to take care of their families. I know I wouldn't. How can a company who FORGETS TO PAY THEIR EMPLOYEES MULTIPLE TIMES do a good job of installing and maintaining high level security systems? Think about it.

Don't hire S3 Integrations to do your work. You're better off doing it yourself. I"m afraid to think where the millions of dollars they get paid for these jobs goes, since they obviously don't use it to pay their employees.

And before you say it- yes, has has 50 gazillion apps and resumes out. Only one is calling, and we seem to keep playing phone tag with them. It takes them 3-4 days just to return his call, and we return theirs almost immediately.

The economy STINKS people.

"If You Came Back From Heaven"

2008-10-13T21:39:00.002-05:00

Lately, I find myself listening to that song by Lorrie Morgan ALOT. But really, what if it COULD happen? Would I let it? I mean, if Momma COULD come back from Heaven, could I possibly allow it? Could I allow her to leave such wonder and beauty and perfection, just to come back to this horrible world and my selfishness?

She's been in my shoes. She's felt my pain. She has lost her Dad, then just 3 years later lost her Mom. She's finally with them again. She's where I want to be. I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I could just see her one more time. To tell her how much I love her, and how much I need her. But could I in good conscience bring her back to the misery of this world? And if she did come back, could I really not let God have her back? I mean, I don't want to let go of her. I miss her, I love her, and I NEED her, but when is she allowed to have HER reward? She deserves it. She put up with A LOT over the years from us and Dad. At some point, each one of us made her life Hell.

Would I bring her back, even if just for a day? Would that really help? Again, could I LET her go back if she did come back, for just one day? I don't think I could. I know that God took her in her sleep because He knew that we could never LET her go. We couldn't have watched her suffer, nor could we have said goodbye. Because we weren't ready for her to go. I know you never are. It was so easy to rely on God's strength during the funeral and week of. But now, it's so hard. It's so difficult to trust Him. Not impossible, just difficult. It's so hard not to be angry at Him. He took one of the most important people in my life away from me. But I know that while it feels like punishment to me (even though I know it's not), it's such a beautiful reward for her. I recently found out from someone very close to Momma that there were some tests that the doctor wanted to do before Momma died. I *THOUGHT* she told me everything. I guess there were some things she just didn't even tell me, because she knew I would push her, to keep her here longer. She didn't want to go through any more operations. I knew that. She was afraid. She didn't want to hurt. I think also she didn't want to leave us on an OR table. I think that would've been much harder for us. We'd always doubted ourselves whether or not we should've pushed her to do it. It's hard not to wonder "What if" when someone you love leaves so unexpectedly. We know God has a plan, but the what ifs are always there.

I dreamed something horrible last night. I dreamed that Daddy had colon cancer. It was very vivid. I woke up in tears it was so vivid, so real. I pray that it was just Satan using my fears now to get to me. I've always had this "feeling" that Momma would go just the way she did, adn that Daddy would die a slow and painful death. I can only pray that God shows him and us the same mercy and takes him in his sleep, MANY YEARS FROM NOW. It seems my grief and my fears are haunting even my dreams now. Hence, why I don't sleep much these days. I'm afraid to sleep. I spend 90% of awake time thinking about Momma, and probably at least that much of my sleep time dreaming about her. But they're never more than just "everyday life" type dreams. Nothing "special". I know so many people who've had lost loved ones appear to them in dreams, to comfort them. Now, I honestly don't know how that works. I don't know if God allows those things or not, or if it's just your subconscious finding a way to soothe itself. But what I wouldn't give to have that. I have so many things I'd love to say to Momma. I don't mean say them out loud and pretend she hears me. That does nothing for me. I need to SEE HER. Face to face. And tell her so many things I never got to say.

I know my posts these days are all pretty depressing, and it seems like I've lost all faith, but I haven't. I"m just struggling. I'm hurting. If you have not been in my shoes, I do not expect you to understand. I just appreciate you allowing me to vent, and get things out. If I keep these thoughts bottled up along with my pain, I'd literally explode.

I don't know if you can hear me or not Momma. But I love you. I miss you so much. Life is just not RIGHT without you. I miss my best friend. The boys miss their Nana. Jray says he wants your chicken fingers :) Could you send us some "Heavenly chicken"? I tried making it, but I just can't nor will I ever be able to cook it like you.

Anyone up for Flea Markets?

2008-10-11T01:55:00.002-05:00

You know, I used to never really WANT to go to Flea Markets. Mom would want me to go with her. I mean, that involves getting up early on a Saturday morning! Not if I don't have to!!!! So today I was sitting here, and suddenly had the urge to hop in the car with Momma and go to the flea market, thinking about the fact that PJ would be working this weekend. Isn't it funny, how the very things that you dread become something you so long to do when someone leaves your life?

I miss Momma so much. I miss shopping at the spur of the moment. I miss sitting on the swing with her. I miss walking around our yards looking at nothing and everything. I miss those annoying phonecalls that had me wanting to pull my hair out listening to her ramble on and on and on about the same thing, usually her newest "collection". Oh what I wouldn't give to have that phone ring again. Or to have her coming through the door while I sat on the toilet or in the bathtub or goodness forbid take a nap because I didn't answer the phone when she called, and she was afraid I was having a diabetic seizure. It is just so quiet around here during the day. It doesn't matter if every friend and family member calls me in one day, it's still too quiet. My memory just doesn't function right anymore. I find myself feeling so lost most of the time. Like something is missing, or I've forgotten something.

I recently got back the two windchimes I bought Momma for Mother's Day, just 3 days before she died. I hung them on the archway in my kitchen. Just so everything we walk by them we hit them. If that is the only thing Nate can ever relate in his heart to Nana, maybe it'll help to somehow keep her memory alive to him? Maybe by never letting that one memory of Nana die, he'll keep it forever? He loved his Nana, and he loved her windchimes. When we went to Nana's, he HAD to stop and hit the windchimes. Now no matter where we are, or what we're doing, when we hear a windchime, I can't help but stop and listen, and say "I hear you Momma". My brothers put a couple up at her grave. That's something very special to us, that we'll always have.

Please, I don't care of your Mom gets on your last ever-lovin nerve. Don't take her for granted. With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all quickly approaching, I find myself wanting to hide under a rock. She loved them all. Who will we Trick or Treat this year? It always started with Nana. She always went WAY overboard with chocolate goodie bags for the kids. Thanksgiving was MOMMAgiving. She assigned dishes, and made way more in her kitchen than all of us kids combined. WAY too much food. Seriously. I mean, every year there would be enough food to feed 50+ people, and it was just us three kids and spouses, the 6 grandkids (usually nto even all of them were there since a couple of us are divorced and remarried), her, and dad. I can't handle doing a family thing for Thanksgiving this year. I mean, it just is NOT Thanksgiving without Momma. I refuse to celebrate it without her. That might and probably will change next year, but this year I just want no part of it. We just won't even get into Christmas. Momma would have already had her closet and bedroom overloaded with gifts for the kids. She had to spend xx amount of $$ on EACH kid, but each kid had to have the EXACT same number of gifts. She HAD to be fair. She complained EVERY year she wouldn't make all that candy! "We don't need it anyway!" she would say. But every year, she spent HOURS in the kitchen making all sorts of homemade treats. She lived for Christmas and her kids and her grandkids. That was Momma. Every year we told her to not buy so much, she couldn't afford it. But of course she didn't listen. She LOVED spoiling us all, especially the grandkids. I loved going shopping with her at Christmas, helping her pick out everyone's gifts. We had so many special times together and 99% of them were shopping LOL. Momma was a shopaholic. I mean, she's the shopping that when buying a figurine, would pick up EVERY single figurine of that design and compare them, to get the absolute BEST one. It drove me NUTS. I mean, I just grab one, if it isn't broken, it's good. But nope, she took her time making certain she always got the very best. Well, now she has the very best. And she deserves it.

Alot has happened in our little family since May 14. I had surgery, Dad took the pastor position of a local church, then accepted the pastor position full time of a church 3.5 hours away, and moved, then remarried, my brother took over the pastor position of the first church and has done wonders with it from what I'm hearing, and my oldest brother and his wife have moved next door into what I still consider "Momma's house". And that's just the short version. Change is inevitable. But, change isn't always easy to swallow. They say time heals all, and there's no doubt that's true. But there are days when it feels time injures more deeply. We've had fights, makeups, and everything in between here lately. That's what families do, right? They love each other regardless? Even when one is hurting another, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they still love each other. I think I can speak for us all on that. I know I love all of my family. I might not like them all the time, but I love them all the time. That's what Momma taught us. And while I know that she would be chewing us out if she'd seen some of the behavior since her death, I think she's in Heaven now smiling proudly because through it all, we've endured, and still love one another, and are still there for one another, making every effort possible to take up the slack left by her leaving. She might have been a little woman, but she has some HUGE shoes to fill.

Anyone got some bulky socks? Maybe some tissue paper to stuff the toes?

Sorry about the MIA thing

2008-09-17T16:21:00.002-05:00

Things have just been crazy around here. Between soccer, school, church, and Dad moving to MS, it's just been a madhouse. I"m gonna try to do better about keeping up to date on here now :) (yeah, I know, I say that all the time!)

Dad accepted the pastor position of a church down in Ackerman, MS. He is now the pastor of Salem Independent Methodist Church. So ya'll please pray for him, that he will continue to do the Lord's will, and not his own. He also has met a wonderful woman named Karen, whom he will take as his bride on October 2. We wish them both lots of happiness and love in their new future together, and pray that they will both always seek the will of the Lord in everything that they do. (that prayer goes for all of us!)

JRay is full swing into soccer. They haven't won a single game this year, but they're having fun. So that's all that matters, right? We have a young and inexperienced team this year, so it's a growth opportunity for ALL involved :) He is doing great in school. Making all A's, and all above 97 so far. He's now in the gifted program and LOVES it. It's offering him that challenge that he needs. We have a wonderful teacher, Mrs. Broadfoot (she'd be downright PERFECT if she would convert to the orange and blue from the crimson!) Third grade has been a MUCH better experience than 2nd grade. He's learned more with Mrs. Broadfoot in the month that we've ben in school that he learned the entire year last year. I'm grateful for that! I'm so glad to finally have another GOOD teacher who actually CARES about what the kids are learning! Thank you Mrs. Broadfoot for renewing my faith in the education system!

Nate, well. He's Nate. He's a full blown toddler now. Into EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME! He keeps me on my toes! He's walking everwhere. Talking like crazy, and throwing TONS of fits. I"m in for it with this one!

Here are a few pics I've taken today in honor of the Tigers! War Eagle!

There are several more goofy ones I might put into another post :) For now that's all you get!

Soccer is in Full Speed

2008-08-24T23:26:00.002-05:00

So Soccer got kicked off officially on the 16th, and we've had 3 games. Lost the first two pretty badly, but tied Saturday's game. They showed some improvement. Hopefully things will get better. It's not been the most enjoyable season for any of us, and we'll just leave it at that. It's weird not having Mom there, but we'll deal. We have no choice. I know she's cheering him on from the best seat in the house :)

I've signed up for a photography course through the New York Institute of Photography, so look for many more pics in the coming months as I venture through that and learn more about how to use my camera to get better pics, and work my way towards officially becoming a professional photographer :) I'm so excited!

Here are a few pics from the practice game on the 14th, and the 2nd game. My camera is out of commission and on its way to Jersey for some special TLC, so I won't be able to take any more until I get it back.

I wanna play!

Here I come Coach!

Some Randoms

2008-08-12T15:01:00.002-05:00

Well, I haven't been posting much, nor have I been taking a whole lot of pics lately, so thought I"d share a few of some I snapped during playtime today :) I made a matching diaper cover in mini size for Nate's "kitty" (Aubie's the name WAR EAGLE!), and he thought it was hilarious that kitty has a diaper too. *rolls eyes* He's such a hoot. The boy is EVERYWHERE now. He's standing up from sitting like he's been doing it all his short little life, and taking off. He still looks drunk though, aka my new name for him as my lil' "Drunk Monkey". He meows constantly. I think he thinks he's a cat, but then he convinces me otherwise with all the babbling he does!

JRay has a practice game for soccer tonight, so if the rain goes away and allows them to play, I plan on taking my camera and snapping some pics of those, as well. Not to mention I've got about 400 or so here on my pc I've taken off the card but haven't edited. I'm going to try to do that today while Nate's napping.

Enjoy :)

He Loves His Kitty! (He meows more than he cries!)

I have NO IDEA what he was doing. He does random, weird things like this quite often. Got so much of his Daddy in him!

He was looking out the window and telling me a story. The kid is HILARIOUS. I can tell I'm gonna have another yacker on my hands *rolls eyes* oh how I dread car trips!

Always on the move

Fighting Sleep, as usual

That sweet, lovable face :) *melting*

Some Mommy Pics :) (yeah, I look awful, I usually do when I'm home on a rainy day chasing a rambunctious toddler!)

August/September Along For The Ride Contest

2008-08-12T14:15:00.002-05:00

Time for the next one! Go Enter to win a Beco Butterfly and Beco Toy Carrier!

Win a Beco Butterfly and Beco Toy Carrier

My Mask

2008-07-31T01:16:00.002-05:00

So, I've really held back on sharing this. It's personal, and something I wrote just to put my feelings on paper. You know, therapy. I never intended to show it to anyone, even PJ. But I kinda NEEDED to share it, know what I mean? Then I decided I'd only share on my private local moms forum, where I have all my close, dear friends. But, I feel a pull, maybe the Lord, speaking to me to post it publically. I know I"m not the only person going through this, with these emotions. So maybe it will speak to someone, other than me.

My Mask

This mask that I wear
Leaves you unaware
Of the pain that I feel
This pain that's so real.

Day after day
It goes on close and tight
And it hides all I feel
Long into the night.

At a small moment in time
It comes off for a breath
Don't look at what's there
I don't want you to see.

The tears have formed canyons
In my once lively face.
How I long for the time
When all was in place.

So I put it back on
With its forced little smile
And pray I can fool you
For just a little while.

Brooke S. McIntire

Bittersweet 37th

2008-07-23T05:11:00.002-05:00

Today marks 37 years since Mom and Dad said "I Do". Who would've thought how much those two words could mean? I mean, two very simple little words that carry so many tears, joys, laughter, pain, and so many more emotions. So many years Mom spent holding on to those words, praying Daddy would finally grasp them. Then, after he did, so many years they spent holding on those words praying their children would grasp them. Have we? I'd like to think we did, but I doubt it. 2 months have passed since we said goodbye to Momma. Those two short months, 70 days, might as well be 70 years. It feels like it has been so many many years since I've seen Momma. My heart aches so much to see her again, to hug her, to kiss her, to tell her I love her. But this day isn't about me. It's about the day that my parents made a committment to one another, and through LOTS of pain and heartache, they stuck by those two sweet, simple, but so complex words. How many times could Mom have given up on Dad in those early years? Only they can really answer that, and I doubt even they can. What if she had? I wouldn't be here. My boys wouldn't be here. But she didn't. The love my mother had didn't come from the world. Or from friends telling her he wasn't worth it. It came from within. From the strength that only God could give her. And I'm so grateful that she had it. My parents took years of pain and hardship and turned it into the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my 27 years.

Daddy decided to take a trip for their anniversary. He loaded up his rental car on Monday and headed northward to the lighthouses. Mom loved lighthouses. Particularly Cape Hatteras, and always dreamed of visiting them. So this morning, as I sit here typing this, I imagine Daddy, if not sleeping, is probably preparing to visit Cape Hatteras for Mom. I figure she's already there, waiting for him. So enjoy your time alone with her, Daddy. I love you, and I"m thinking of you and Momma today. What you two had was so beautiful, and I pray that PJ and I will have that. I miss you so much Momma. My heart hurts more every day that passes that I don't see you or hear your voice on the other end of the phone. But today is about you and Daddy, and the love that you shared, and still share. I"m so grateful for that truest of loves. Thank you both for sticking with it. Your love was truly something to be admired. I love you Daddy for being so true to Mom after you found the Lord, and for loving us through all of our stupid rebellions. I hold you so close in my heart today and every day. My heart hurts for you.

On July 23, 1971, there were many more than two lives connected. An entire family began, a family that continues to branch out into a beautiful, thriving, growing family tree. The world forever changed that day, and continues to change even more so every day as a result of just one day, and two simple words that hold more meaning than any other words in the universal language of love.

I don't have a picture of Mom and Dad's wedding day on my compter, but here is a sweet one (of poor quality, sorry) of them at my oldest brother's wedding just before their (32nd?) anniversary. Look at the love still shared between them after so many years and heartaches. I dream of having this.

Too funny to keep to myself

2008-07-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

"Notes"

2008-07-02T16:57:00.003-05:00

So, my precious Daddy bought me an electric piano. I've been talking about how I really want to learn to play (played trumpet, french horn, and clarinet in High School), so he came through my door last night with this gigantic box that was taller than him I think :) (ok, I may be stretching it, but it was close!). I've had a blast with it, learning the correct fingerings, etc. I'm not the only one though. I may very well have the next Beethoven on my hands :) Nate is constantly trying to climb up my let to play, also. I have felt since I was pregnant with him that he may have a musical gift. He has been "singing" since he was very little, like, a few months old little. And he is always dancing and banging out a beat on anything that his little hands can make noise on. So I think he may very well have a wonderful gift from God :) Although my family isn't very musical (love ya'll anyway!), they all love it, PJ's family is pretty gifted in the musical/vocal areas. So we shall see!

Here's a pic of my new gift, and my special gift enjoying it!

Win a Babywearing Stash!

2008-06-26T16:41:00.002-05:00

Along For The Ride is sponsoring ANOTHER contest giving away a 5 piece babywearing stash! Go enter! NOW! What are you waiting for?!

Win the Essential Babywearing Stash from Along for the Ride (one Beco Butterfly, one Hotsling baby pouch, one BabyHawk Mei Tai, one Zolowear Ring Sling, and one Gypsy Mama Wrap)

Gallbladder schmallbladder

2008-06-20T23:14:00.002-05:00

So, I'm home after a long 3 days in the hospital. Tuesday I went out and ran some errands with Dad, and he treated Nate and I to breakfast for lunch at Cracker Barrel. I had a yummy country friend steak and eggs. Came home, started hurting in my right side (I've had these flare ups before, going back as far as October). I put Nate down for a nap, and took one myself. Woke up, thought I was feeling better, then after I got to moving around I got really nauseous and started vomiting. I was in AGONY. So, the decision was made that PJ would take me to the ER when he got home from work. I think we finally got there around 6 pm. They were backed up, so I was going to be waiting a while. Lucky for me (insert sarcastic tone here) my sugar started bottoming out while in the waiting room. So, they moved me back into a bed in the hall and got an IV going and pushed some D50 and did the labwork. Came back with some enzymes high and my white count was over 11000. They decide it's most likely my gallbladder, and since I was so sick they go ahead and admit me to keep me on fluids. So, wed morning, they come take me to ultrasound. I get back, get stuck 5 gazillion times because my line had infiltrated. I was in TEARS by the end of it. I have been a diabetic for 17 years, so needles just don't bother me. So for me to be in tears over getting an IV placed, you better believe I"ve had enough. They finally ge a yucky puny one in, and surgery to remove my gallbladder is scheduled for 4:30. I was told that they may also need to run a scope downt he next day to check for gallstones in my ducts. Yipeee, more tests. Anyway, the line they got in wasn't good enough for the operation, so they had to redo it once I got downstairs. I got stuck another 2 times to get that one, but at least he numbed it first. I go to the OR, am being prepped, dose off into sleepy land, and wake up sitting up in the OR with vomit all over me and still coming out of me. YUM! They were SUPPOSED to push some Reglan and Pepcid in my line before surgery, but the nurses on the floor didn't, and they said it was too late once I got to the OR. So I find out after the fact that my gallbladder was so bad, it actually had gangrene in a good part of it, and he came out with a handful of gallstones. I stayed in the hospital overnight on antibiotics and came home this morning. Now I have all these staples in my stomach that I was told by the doc to come in and get out in a week, but his office tells me they can't get me in before July 1!!!! Not to mention he sent me home with a script for Vicodin, after I'd had him change me over to Mepergan yesterday ebcause I can't take those things. And his office tells me that he's already gone (and will be gone until next friday, which I already knew) and he won't change it, he only gives Vicodin for at home! Just my luck. No pain meds. Lucky for me I still have some Mepergan left over from my Csection.

So thanks for all the prayers, calls, emails, etc. Please continue to pray for me. I am REALLY sore and just drained, and this whole low fat diet thing, while good for me, is going to be a challenge to figure out!

Thank you Mom for staying with me Wed night and taking care of me. It meant SO much more than you'll ever know. Not having my Mommy there was so difficult, because she was ALWAYS there, but you really helped to fill that void, and I realize how much you really do love and care for me now! I LOVE YOU!

Thank you Aunt NiNi and Uncle Craig for watching Naynay so PJ could stay with me last night. I know it wasn't the best of "times" for ya'll, but you did it anyway, and I'm so very grateful! I love ya'll too!

Thank you Tracy for keeping JRay all week :) I know he's in good hands when he's in you. I'm grateful he has a stepmom who loves him so much! Love you too!

And for your disgusting enjoyment, a pic of my incisions. 4 incisions and a drain site. YUM! (stretch marks anyone?!)

One Month.

2008-06-14T11:12:00.002-05:00

That's how long it's been since Momma took her final breath. One month today. Wow. In one breath, it feels like it just happened, because you know time has stopped since she died. It can't go on. It's not allowed. But then, in the breath in my other lung, it feels like it's been an eternity. It's been forever since I saw her beautiful face, and had her coming over to eat a BBQ sandwhich (yep, that's what we had for dinner the night before she died. Ironic, huh?), and when she found out there was no slaw for it, had a frozen pizza instead.

It's been a busy month. Both of my kids have had birthdays (JRay's was yesterday-the big 8 now), the visitation, funeral, headstone, Dad accepted the pastor position of a little church in Hartselle that is about a year old, I've been getting things ready for college registration, JRay got his cast off... I could go on. It's like in our hearts, time stopped, but the reality is it didn't. And that angers me. It's supposed to! Doesn't everyone know that they're not allowed to continue their life like nothing has happened? One of the most beautiful mothers/wives/sisters/aunts/everything to everyone has gone Home to be with Jesus. Yes, that's a beautiful thing in itself. It really is, and I take great peace and even sometimes joy in knowing that Momma is face to face with our Savior now. Even though we as Christians know that not even she deserves that, I feel like she does. I mean, she's Momma. Over 27 years, her pedestal has only gotten taller.

Thank you Heavenly Father, for allowing me to spend 27 AMAZING years with the best mother You ever put on this Earth, hands down. I definitely didn't deserve her, and I"ll take the liberty to say that I'm sure my brothers feel the same. Please, God, let her know how much I love her and miss her. And tell her that one day soon (seeing as how time in Heaven is much longer than time down here!) I'll be joining her. Oh, and tell her that now I actually LIKE pandas :) Yep... maybe I'll start doing my house in pandas now :) Purple is quickly becoming my favorite color, also.

Goodbye CSS

2008-06-12T19:29:00.003-05:00

I haven't been posting this publically, because I didn't want it to get into the wrong eyes yet, but I"m beyond caring at this point. I must "gloat".

GOODBYE CSS ( Computer Support Systems )! PJ is now working for S3 Integrations. He started yesterday. PJ was sent home from work at CSS on Tuesday with no work, and S3I called later that morning, by lunch we were hired and he was scheduled to start the next day. He started out making approx $3 more an hour more. As soon as they finish the job they are on now, and start a big new contract, he will be officially hired on full time and will be making approximately $8-10 more an hour :) AND he'll have a company van, so that I won't have to drag the kids out at the crack of dawn anymore to take him to work since we only have one vehicle. Now, PJ worked alongside S3I several months ago while working a job for CSS. They loved the work he did, and even trained him to do their work some back then in preparation, so he was doing his job and helping them do theirs.

So, we had been keeping it quiet because PJ hasn't "quit" CSS yet, since we won't have insurance until he gets hired on full time. But today, PJ found out that he has been suspended since Tuesday! Someone ratted on him for driving the work van home Monday night, and after he left work Tuesday morning, the owner told his coordinator to suspend him. And he found out TODAY! He thought they just didn't have any work for him to come in, which was working for us LOL. Well, I find this whole thing rather amusing. Something so petty with the work he has done for them since October of 2006 for practically no pay, overpriced health insurance that eats up half the paycheck, and crummy treatment. I mean, I think at last count (I quit counting months ago) CSS had shorted us approximately $600 in wages. Yep, you heard me right. But there was never a paper trail to do anything about it. It always ended up as PJ's fault, when in reality it was management's fault. His first coordinator did NOTHING. I mean it. He came in (sometimes), sat at his desk, and did nothing all day, while people in his crew should've been supervisors, but instead were dumped on and paid and treated as poorly as PJ, did everything for him. (I'm really enjoying airing CSS's dirty laundry now that I can, for all the stress they've put me under the last year and a half). So anyway, yeah, he's suspended yesterday, today, and tomorrow. WOOHOO!

Then, today, we have found out from in company "gossip" that it's likely CSS is going under. They have lost most of their out of town (insert big bank name here) contracts, and are likely losing their B'ham work that has kept them so busy. To whom? A company they've already lost employees to, that was struggling, and an underdog company who's been around a few years, but had only little jobs.

So, there's always that chance that S3I isn't what we expected, since CSS was made out to be so wonderful at first, but it honestly can't get any worse!

Guess what CSS? What goes around comes around. It's your turn :) CIAO!

Bittersweet.

2008-06-11T16:48:00.003-05:00

So, I just found out a little bit ago from an email from a friend (thanks Pam) that Mom's headstone was placed today. It really brings a range of emotions to the surface. I miss her so much. Every day that goes by finds me missing her so much more than the last. This is somewhat of a relief, because it makes her grave less bare. But then, on the other hand, I want it to be EMPTY, so bare seems more empty.

I find myself feeling so "excluded" from the family lately. I dunno, it's silly, I know. I just feel like my "connection" to the family died with Mom. Given me and my sisters in law seem to be closer (I know it's because dear sweet Monica and Lytha are reaching out to me), I just feel like a 3rd wheel with Dad and my brothers. I know they love me. I guess it's maybe because Me and Mom had that "woman" connection, whereas Dad and the boys have that "Man" connection. I don't know. I mean, it's just silly, but I still feel it. I was so anxious to call Dad and let him know when I found out about the headstone, then I find out him, and both boys have been or were at the grave already when I found out. I know they're not excluding me (I love ya'll Craig, Brent, and Dad, you know that, I don't feel that way, honestly) I guess, like I said, I just feel like the odd one out now.

Momma was my 2nd best friend in this world (PJ my first of course). I mean, there was NEVER a time in my life when I needed her that she wasn't there for me. Now, the time when I need her most, well, she can't be. Every day that goes by that something reminds me of her, and that phone doesn't ring with her number on the caller id, oh it hurts so bad. I mean, when Daddy calls me, I almost fool myself into believe it's going to be her on the other end. I have so many people around me for support, but I feel so alone. How can that be?

Momma, if you can hear my heart or my thoughts, I miss you so much. I love you SO MUCH. Too many times we didn't say it. We didn't NEED to, because we KNEW it. But I do, I'm saying it. I LOVE YOU! And I miss you so much. I wouldn't wish you out of Heaven for anything, but I just wish I could have just one more day with you. Even one more hour. To tell you how much I love you. And to hug you, and to kiss you, and spend every waking second with you.

For Momma

2008-06-07T23:39:00.001-05:00

Momma

You lived your life
Inside a shell
So afraid to chance
But never afraid to help

So many times
You held tight to the wall
Not afraid to climb
But yet afraid to fall

So many people
Waiting in line
So many lives touched
In your short lived life

You spent your life
Never afraid to love
You gave more than all
With your gift from Above

That gift, of pure Love
And of unending compassion
So weak in your own eyes
But to so many a blessing

How many times have I heard
“Your Mom was amazing”
From strangers unknown
“She was so full of compassion”

Oh how my heart aches
To see you again
To talk on the phone
With my best of friends

Dance and sing, Momma!
Because now, you can
But go easy on Heaven
Don’t change it too much
I don’t think that’s God’s plan!

Those pearly white gates
Well, they’ll probably be purple!
But one day I’ll enter them
And spend eternity with you
And a few million pandas!

Family Pics At last!

2008-06-06T22:26:00.003-05:00

Yep, I finally did it. Finally broke down and took some family pics for Father's Day. Also took JRay's 8 year old pics since his 8th Birthday is one week away.

Here we go!

These are the "good" ones of MANY. Lots of SILLY ones. I mean, I'm surrounded by silly around here.

Brothers? Ya think?!

And my soon to be handsome 8 year old. WOW. 8. That's such a big number.

Welcome back curls!

2008-06-03T22:28:00.002-05:00

So, Nate's curls are coming back :) YAY! I'm so excited. He had the CURLIEST little locks when he was born. Then all the side hair fell out, and the top just turned into one big mohawk/curl. Now the ends are starting to curl, and I'm seeing some red in there now as well :) He REALLLLLY looks like Papa some days! He's SO full of life. Always playing. This kid lives to PLAY. Makes me think of the old Mike Warnke bit about his son. "Play, play play play, I MUST PLAY!!!!!" He loves to look at Daddy, giggle, and take off crawling while giggling hysterically, in hopes that Daddy will get down on all fours and chase him! He is doing it to Papa now, too. It's precious.

Uncle Craig got to babysit today for the first time. I had an appointment at the Spine Center in Huntsville, and because of some recent sugar issues, I was afraid to drive myself that far, so I had Dad take me. Uncle Craig told PJ when he got home that he was the easiest baby he'd ever seen. Said he just played in the floor while he sat there. What Uncle Craig doesn't notice is that I have the living room completely baby proofed LOL. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not typically the kind of parent to "put stuff up". But with this one, it's either take away the temptation, or spend EVERY second of the day saying "NO" and smacking hands. I prefer to be able to turn my head for 2 seconds, thanks :) But yeah, he is a good baby for the most part. Except when he's sleepy (which he USUALLY fights), then he becomes Satan's spawn! I'll have to let Uncle Craig watch him on one of those days! Love you Craig!

SO yeah, I went to the spine doctor today. Didn't really find out much yet, since we need to do an MRI. But, he made remarks along the lines of (insert long dx name here that I can't remember), probably some damage to something (didn't catch that part either). Made comments about having a small child, and asking if I had family around to help, which gives me the idea he's thinking surgery is a possibility. He thinks my neck pain is arthritis, and said that we need to take care of the back first, then we'll start exercises/therapy to help with that. I was pretty sure of that one already, anyway. Mom had bad arthritis in her neck, and when I described my pain to her, she said it was the same as hers. So I'm just waiting on them to get approval from BCBS AL for my MRI and set it up for me. Then I'll go back and find out more. I go to my new GP for a follow up from all my lab work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to that. I know my A1C isn't going to be where it should. But, I'm determined to change that. Losing Mom really has opened my eyes to the importance of all this. I don't want my kids being in their 20's and not having a mom anymore. At the rate I'm going, I won't make it as long as Mom did. Time to make changes. So anyway, just keep me in your prayers, and I"ll update as I can.

Here are a few cute pics of the boys :) Enjoy!

Updates

2008-05-29T22:36:00.002-05:00

So, I haven't been blogging lately. Mom's death has really hit me hard the last week. I'm dealing the best I can, but would rather not be dealing at all. I can't explain what it's like to lose my Mommy, my best friend, my mentor. She was everything to me. I can't begin to imagine how I am going to live the rest of my life without her here to guide me through it. I'm trying to get my life back on track and somehow back to "normal", whatever that is. But every day that comes proves to be more difficult than the last. Oh I miss her so very much. Mommy, I love you, I wouldn't wish you out of Heaven for anything, but I just wish I could be there with you. Just to see you, and touch you, and tell you I love you. Oh we never said those words. I know we both knew we felt them, we just never said them. I just want to tell you I LOVE YOU.

Thank you Craig, for the slideshow. Of course I bawled my eyes out both times I"ve watched it. How are we gonna get along without her, big brother? My heart is just breaking.

So, onto updates...

Nate's 1st birthday was Monday. Had a beautiful party setup outside, and right at party time, the skies opened up and the bottom fell out, so it moved inside. I tell myself it was Nana crying because she couldn't be here for it. But I know she's not crying. She's so happy now.

Anyway.. thanks to everyone who came. I really wasn't in the mood, but knew that I needed to do it, so we did. I'd love to say I had a great time, but I'd be lying. But, the kids did. And that's what is important. Nate got so many wonderful gifts. He went to the ped today for his 1 year visit. Got two shots in his leg, then had to go downstairs and get blood drawn from his arm. NOT a good start to the day. We were both bawling. I was NOT prepared for that. He weighed 23lb 6oz and was 29in long. Staying right along the same curve on the growth charts. So that's good. I don't know what his head circumference was, just know that it's staying on the 25th percentile curve. He's got a teenie lil head :) I'll post a slideshow of his birthday party at the end of this post.

JRay also went back to the orthopedic today. We thought he'd get his cast off today, but the doc wants him to wear it for another 2 weeks. Poor guy. It's driving him nutso.

I'm supposed to go back to the doc on the 4th for my bloodwork results, but it's looking like I might have to reschedule due to $$$. PJ's check was VERY short this week. We thought he still had vacation time left when he took a couple of extra days off after mom's funeral to stay with me and help me and just be there for me. We were wrong. So he only had 25 hours on his paycheck. So I know there's just no way I can afford the $30 co-pay right now.

Dad went to mom's appt with Dr Jackson on the 20th. I will just say that he has reaffirmed my doubts in him as a physician. His first words to Dad were along the lines of "If anyone is looking into getting a lawyer, it's a waste of time". Wow. Guilty much? All Dad wanted to know was what her echo said, mostly for our family medical history. What a great guy you are, Kirk Jackson, for being so horrible to the man who'd lost his wife at 53 years old not even a week earlier. Show those true colors.

Anyway, that's all for now I suppose. Don't know what else to say. Just please continue to keep us in your prayers. We're all dealing in our own ways. I'm an introvert, and grieve internally. So don't be offended or upset if I dont' call, or answer your calls. I just want to be alone with my little family right now.

We Love You, Mommy

2008-05-15T08:18:00.002-05:00

My Mom was the most compassionate, loving, gentle, giving and LOVING person I"ve ever known. I can't begin to imagine how life will go on without her. Please continue to pray for me and my family, and especially my Daddy, who has lost his best friend. I know he's a very strong and CAPABLE man, but I am so worried about his heart, because I know it's crushed.

I Love You Momma. So many people loved you, and are going to miss you. So enjoy your time with Mamaw and Papaw, and hold that precious baby you never got to hold, and keep our places warm there in Heaven, we'll see you again someday. Until then, we are going to miss you terribly here on earth. Heaven gained another angel, but that means that earth lost a precious one who did so much good in a world of evil.

Shelia Diana Evans Stover

Update on JRay

2008-05-12T16:22:00.002-05:00

Well, it is broken. It's actually his ankle. There's a small crack in his ankle bone, so they set it in a cast, and we go back in 10 days. He got a nice orange and blue cast (WAR EAGLE!) Because of the way they set it, he's having to really adjust to walking on it. He's gonna stay home from school one more day, since the doc at the ER wrote his excuse for Mon and Tuesday, and to give him more practice at getting around without help.

So Here you go, pics of the "Tiger Cast"

First Signatures :)

16 Days...

2008-05-10T19:15:00.003-05:00

Until my baby is officially a toddler. WOW. Where has a whole year gone? Seems honestly like it was just last night I was running around Huntsville at Liz's graduation with NO IDEA that my lil man would decide to make his grand appearance the next day. It's such a bittersweet day. To celebrate the day that our precious babe was given to us by God, but then so sad to realize just how quickly they grow up. Just 18 days after that, my first baby... my very first baby, the one that made me a Mommy, will be 8. How bittersweet is that? He's such a precious little man. So perfect in every way :) I do love him soooo much, and every day finds me more proud of him than the day before for the young man he is becoming.

Not sure if I posted an update on Nate's eye appointment or not. He went in April, and Dr Hein said that everything is normal :) So Praise God for that! No eye surgeries with this one! He is turning into a lil chatterbox now. LOVES to carry on conversations with anyone (or anything) who will listen. He's VERY entertaining these days!

JRay isn't doing too well. He has apparently broken his foot. His dad just took him to the ER, and told him he has a hairline fracture, and possibly something about a torn tendon or ligament. He's been told to stay off it, is in a temp cast and crutches until Monday. So please say a prayer for him. We are all so ready for school to be out. It has not been a very pleasant year for any of us. We've not had the greatest of teachers this year, and it's really had an impact on his grades. 12 more days and we'll be done with 2nd grade! JRay has made a new friend, which THRILLS us. He's never been one to make friends. He'd have tons of acquaintances, but no real friends. He's stayed the night with his friend, and his friend has stayed with him. My little boy is becoming a little man. *sighs*

PJ has an interview on Tuesday with Cargill! PLEASE keep us in your prayers! He also has a couple of other irons in the fire we're waiting ot hear back on. We know that when God is ready, a new door will open, and we're greatly anticipating that moment ! We can't complain, though. Things are tough, but we always have enough :) And at times more than enough that we're able to give to others who need it. He always provides, and He always will :)

I am looking forward to spending Mother's Day with all 3 of my boys, and family and friends at church. I hope everyone else enjoys their day, and I'd like to wish all the Moms out there a VERY BLESSED Mother's Day :) We're already blessed to be a Mom :) No other gift can compare to that!

Anyway, here's a slideshow of our "trial run" with the smash cake :) (Ok, so it was just for the pictures, but it gave me practice making the cake, and Nate had lots of fun destroying it! We're in for quite a show on the 26th!) So enjoy!

Some recent fun...

2008-04-30T10:38:00.003-05:00

Just playing around with style, technique, etc these days, with the help of a photog friend with a very artsy eye :) So here are some recent pics taken, for your visual enjoyment :)

Trying to train my creative eye. We all know I can do simple portraits... but I'd love to be able to take more "unique" pictures. The kind of picture that makes you say, WOW, that is an amazing picture :) So look for more of these kinds of pics from me in the picture... I'll still have the adorable faces you're used to seeing, to keep you grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc updated on the boys, but am ready to spread my photographer wings a little :) Feel free to comment/critique :)

For my BW'ing or soon to be BW'ing buddies...

2008-04-29T21:28:00.001-05:00

Along for the Ride is giving away a free Ergo Baby Carrier on May 30!!!! You get to choose from their stock which one you want. Be sure to go enter!

Win a Free Ergo Baby Carrier from Along for the Ride

A Few recent pics, and an update...

2008-04-28T03:35:00.003-05:00

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that on Wed the 23rd, Nate went to see the ophthalmologist. We saw Dr. Erik Hein, and adored him. He determined that Nate's eyes are fine :) No turning in, no farsightedness, just purely healthy beautiful eyes :) So no more eye appointments for a while! He said to keep an eye since I've been there done that, and if anything concerns me, to give him a call, otherwise, bring him back before he starts school :) This was taken after we got home from that, at least an hour after his lil eyes were dilated! Look at those pupils!

Notice the two new teeth on the bottom, too? Those are #'s 7 and 8! He's pretty much off of baby food and onto table foods now. He's also essentially weaned from the bottle and on the sippy. I don't offer it, and he does fine, but Daddy has felt the *need* to give it to him at bedtime! Tonight I convinced him not to. We put him in his highchair with the sippy cup, recline the seat (he still has trouble holding the cup upright for the drink to fall in), and let him drink :) No complaints either way!

He is crawling, pulling up, cruising, and letting go... it won't be long he'll be taking those first steps. I just can't believe how big he is getting already! And he LOVES his Bubby. He even says "bububububu" ALL THE TIME. He is saying regularly, "MaMa, DaDa, BuBu, and NaNa (we think it's both Nana and Naynay). He's a giggler, and a FAST crawler! I"ll have to figure out how to upload and post a video I took on my cellphone of him and Daddy going at it :) It's priceless.

Here he is letting go:

He looks more like his Daddy every day :) Acts like him, too! Someone save me!

Daddy LOVES to throw him into the air, and well, as you can see, so does he!

And, well, this is what happens when you put dirt in your mouth while Daddy's watching! Spit it out son!

And because this is just too cute NOT to share, he finally followed in Bubby's footsteps, and discovered falling asleep at the table!

I hope to get down the the 'Ham sometime in the next couple of weeks and take both boys' birthday pics :)

And just because I have to put some pics of JRay up... even though I don't get very many of him. He doesn't like to be in front on Mommy's camera like he used to *sighs*... I guess they all outgrow it, eventually. Doesn't mean I have to stop snapping!

Caught him coming off the schoolbus one afternoon... so handsome :)

And well... this is his idea of doing homework (wouldn't be JRay without being silly!)
Caption: "Mommy, this homework is making my head hurt!"

Seriously? 11 Months Already?

2008-04-28T02:58:00.002-05:00

It can't be true, can it? My baby is NOT 11 months old already.

Yep, it is. WOW. In 28 days, Nathaniel James will be 1 year old. How did this happen? How did so much time pass by so quickly? Wasn't I just pregnant and miserable? I mean, he was JUST BORN. Why is it the pregnancy goes by SO SLOWLY, but their lives speed by so quickly? I can't believe it. Then, just a couple of weeks after that, my big baby, you know, the one I just had last week, he'll be 8. Yep, 8 years since I became a Mommy. It's a bittersweet thing, celebrating your childrens' birthdays. Every year around this time I start to think on it. I start to wonder just how so much time has passed so quickly. I'll admit, that until this year, I was always so devastated because I just knew I'd never get to experience these ages again. Then God blessed me yet again, at a time in my life when I thought having children was done, with an amazing husband who shared my desire for more children. Now, it really is bittersweet, but Nate is it. No more after him. But on the bright side, I have two amazing boys. I have to choke back the tears even now thinking about it. Where on earth have 8 years gone? So much of it is just a blur. But those first days for both of them are etched vividly in my memory forever. Let's take a stroll, shall we?

June 13, 2000-35 out of 40 Weeks pregnant

Absolutely the MOST wonderful day of my life. This was the day I became Mommy. My husband at the time barely made it here. We were scheduled for a contraction stress test, to be at the hospital at 6am. My hubby made it in at 3am from the road making his living as a trucker. The contractions were already pretty strong, even though at the time I had no idea that's what they were. I just knew my back hurt so bad I couldn't stand to sit, lay, do anything comfortably. They told me my baby was in distress and needed to be born NOW. I was terrified. I barely had time to call my parents, and I was gone to surgery before they got there. At 9:12am, they pulled my beautiful boy out of my womb via C-Section. He didn't cry. It was the best but most terrifying day of my life. I didn't even get to hold him, they whisked him away to the NICU, holding him up for me to see in passing on his way out. 9lbs 2oz, 20 inches. I panicked, so they had to give me a sedative. I remember waking as they rolled me into recovery, with my pastor, youth pastor, and many others from my family all waiting in the hall. I slept. The sedative just knocked me out. Then I remember being awakened to see him as they wheeled me through the NICU on our way to my room. There he laid, with a bucket over his head, tubes everywhere. I touched his tiny, sweet little hand, and he looked at me. I felt this overwhelming sense of peace and joy come over me as I saw that he was ok, just needing a little help to breathe. He knew me :) Right then, it was truly love at first sight. I got to hold him that evening, and try to nurse him. That didn't go well, I pulled his IV out. The next 5 days proved to be very challenging and emotional, but on June 18, Father's Day, we got to bring our precious baby boy home :) And I"ve loved him with all of my heart since. My sweet Justin Ray.

May 26, 2007: 37 Weeks Pregnant

Well, we'd been out half the night at Liz's (sister-in-law) high school graduation. So we slept in a bit Saturday. Around noonish, I woke up, used the restroom, and told PJ to get his watch. No way, he said. Yep... less than 2 minutes. Called my OB, get to the hospital, he said. See, we were scheduled to have a repeat C-Section just 3 days later, on Tuesday the 29th. Nathaniel James wasn't waiting that long! They checked me a couple of times, hooked me up to monitors, and yep, sure enough, I was in early labor. So, off to the OR we went. This time we had enough time to call everyone ahead of time, and they were all there before we went back to the OR :) Even JRay! This time I got really sick with the spinal, but we got it situated. PJ came in, the doc went to work. I felt ALOT of pulling this time. He had a hard time getting that stubborn lil bugger out. At 4:49, I heard the LOUDEST screams I think I've ever heard. And they said his lungs might not be ready *rolls eyes*. It was an unbelievably CALMING sound :) I didn't experience that the first time. They wiped him off, held him up to show me, took him in the next room, weighed him, cleaned, him etc. 10lbs 2oz and 21 inches! WOWSERS! Then, they brought my bundle of love back to me as the doc did my tubal and cleaned up scar tissue, etc. I didn't get to hold him, as my hands were still tied down, but I got to nuzzle him and kiss him, and feel his cheek next to mine. Pure bliss :) Then Daddy took him back to the recovery room to wait for me, and meet the rest of his family. But, alas, by the time the doc finished up with me, and got me back to the recovery suite, he was gone to the NICU. Poor guy had low sugar, and spent the next several hours getting that taken care of. At approx 12:30 am on May 27, I finally got to hold my precious baby boy for the first time. He was soooo calm and at home in my arms, and it felt so right. The next day I got to hold both of my boys in my arms at once. That was when I knew my life was right. I had the perfect family.

And I still do :) I love all my boys, PJ, JRay, and Nate, so much. I really am very very blessed. I don't know how I'd ever survive without any of them. They complete me.

What did I do?

2008-04-25T07:45:00.002-05:00

So, what did I do right? I don't understand, Lord. How did I find so much favor in Your eyes? I"m just a lowly sinner, but You found me worthy of so many wonderful blessings :) You gave me a husband that loves You, and loves me unconditionally. No matter what I do, he still loves me. He still desires me. You gave me two very amazing boys. JRay, who is so in love with You! Who desires to serve You, and tell others about You! He is 7, but so not afraid to share his love of You with everyone he comes in contact with. He's not ashamed to love on his momma in front of others, either :) He makes me so very very proud every day. When he prays, he prays for others, for everyone else, but himself. He is so unselfish. I am blessed. Then, you gave me Nate. Wow... in less than a year, this little man has shown me mountains of love. He is sooooo much like his Bubby. He keeps me moving, he keeps me crying, he keeps me humbled.

Again, dear God, I ask You, what did I do? Nothing good. What YOU did was unbelievable. You died for me. A pitiful, sorry sinner. And then, as if that weren't enough, You bless me DAILY with so many amazingly unbelievable blessings. I will praise You, O Lord.

Psalm 118 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."

3 Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."

4 Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and he answered by setting me free.

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.

9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.

10 All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

11 They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

12 They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.

14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!

16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"

17 I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

18 The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.

19 Open for me the gates of righteousness;
I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.

20 This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.

22 The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;

23 the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.

24 This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

25 O LORD, save us;
O LORD, grant us success.

26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD.
From the house of the LORD we bless you. ^[a]

27 The LORD is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession
up ^[b] to the horns of the altar.

28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

You Did WHAT?!

2008-04-10T11:19:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I just happened to catch this expression. Too cute, huh?

And this one:

And just because he's too cute not to share it :)

Things are going pretty good here. PJ is still working away. We both have an appointment at Calhoun on Monday afternoon to talk to the Guidance counselor and then Financial Aid to start the process of furthering our educations. I'm going to be pursuing a degree in Photography and Film Communications alongside Graphic Design, and well, PJ hasnt' fully decided yet. I'm HOPING that he will continue his nursing degree. I KNOW that's the desire of his heart, and am praying that whatever he decides to do, it will be what the Lord has led him to do. I think that is pretty much the hangup, is he is waiting on the Lord to lead him. Please pray for us. We cannot afford college. AT ALL. There is just no extra money around here. So please pray for the Lord to provide, whether it be through grants, or whether it be through a better job for PJ. He's currently got a couple of irons in the fire, we're just waiting on God.

We're also planning Nate's 1st birthday party now. It's so hard to believe in that under 2 months, our BABY will be a year old. He's quickly becoming a toddler. Crawling, pulling up, talking up a storm, and eating any and everything you put in front of him! He's no longer that little newborn that I could sit and hold all day! Now he wants down to PLAY. It's so funny, we're pretty cramped up here in our house. There's not alot of room for him to crawl around. So when we go over Nana and Papa's (usually at least once a day) he just TAKES OFF. Nana watches him for me on Wed night while I help out with Awana at church, and he just goes wild. he crawls from one end of the house and back, back and forth, stop, pull up on the coffee table, grin at you, repeat. LOL. It's sooooo cute. He wears himself out doing it! Her kitchen is raised slightly higher than the living room, so there's a step down. He's figured out he can lie on his stomach and slide down it, and LOVES going over it. Oh the fun begins!

Jray is doing great in school. He's such a joy and a blessing. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my lil man. He keeps me straight! If I slip up and say something I shouldn't (yes it happens, I'm not perfect, only forgiven!) He promptly reminds me :) We are just so proud of him, and the Godly young man he is becoming. He completed 10 sections in Awana last night! 10 sections in one week! And 4-5 each week before that :) He has now received his skipper rank patch and 3 red jewels in the 5 or so weeks he's been going again. He's such a hard little worker. Bowling is finished now, and soccer will start in July I suppose. So we get a small break on extracurricular activities! But, well, we just fill them right on up!

Ok, Nate just woke up from his nap. i'll have to finish up later!

Here's a pic of Jray getting his awards last night:

And he got to hold the flag last night too :) Poor thing, he dropped it when trying to put it back into the stand!

I'm still alive

2008-04-08T23:01:00.003-05:00

So yeah, I know I haven't been posting alot lately. Haven't been feeling the best. My back and neck pain has gotten ALOT worse since I"ve been doing more with the warm weather. Crazy, I know. But, well, I have kids! And the weather's been BEAUTIFUL! I do have some pics to post, if I can ever get around to taking them off the CF card LOL. Just wanted to chime in and let ya'll know that I'm still alive! Just not myself! Say a prayer for me, please!?

Love,
Brooke

Spring Fun

2008-03-26T11:23:00.002-05:00

So, I haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that :) I've been sick, Nate's got a sinus infection, and other "personal things" have kept me away. I've got tons of new pics from the Easter week/end. I have one slideshow put together, and will get the other together shortly. But for now, Nate is finished in his high chair and not really in a mood to sit there any longer! So I must get this posted and take care of him. I'll be back for more after PJ gets home :)

Some pics from the week. Enjoy!

Rub A Dub Dub

2008-03-19T22:06:00.002-05:00

So, I realized I didn't have any of those classic blackmail bathtub pics of Nate :) I had TONS by this age with JRay. SOOOoooo he got the bathtub camera torture this evening :) He's finally able to sit in the tub by himself so these were lots of fun! Crazy kid :) Just like his daddy! *rolls eyes* now how on earth do ya'll suggest I put up with TWO PJ's? Open for suggestions, here! Anywayyyyy... here ya go... some cute ones here, so be prepared to laugh :)

Spring Fun

2008-03-19T17:53:00.003-05:00

Today was a BEAUTIFUL day! JRay, Katy, and Erin had a wonderful time outside! I went out with them a while and snapped some pics of their fun. It's so nice to see some warm and yummy weather again :) I can't wait for more days like this! I took ALOT of pictures, so I had to split them up between 2 slideshows :) They were having such a good time, and it was really good to see JRay getting to spend some time with the girls again. I know he's missed them so much, and has missed having someone to play with!

Rare Form

2008-03-18T21:22:00.002-05:00

So Nate was in rare form tonight. Got a few cute pics of him and Daddy being goofballs. He was just in an unusually great goofy mood. It was too cute :)

I'm starting to fear I'm getting that stomach bug. I feel extremely ill tonight. Hope it's just the hot dogs I ate for dinner. I do NOT want to be sick right now. UGH!

I'm REALLY enjoying have JRay home this week for Spring Break. He's been so much fun, and he and Nate are having a BLAST together. He's loving having his Bubby home all day :) JRay's missing out on having the girls over (his cousins) at Nana's to play with since Nana's had the stomach bug, but he's not really acting like he cares since he and Nate have been having so much fun. I love that my boys love each other so much (insert hearts here). I hope it sticks :)

Here are the pics I took :) Notice those deep sweet dimples! I honestly have no idea where those came from, but I LOVE them :)

Great Progress :)

2008-03-15T16:55:00.002-05:00

First I want to thank the Lord for His precious grace and love. Then I want to thank all of you for your prayers and pleadings with Him for such. Daddy is doing great today. He's feeling MUCH better today :) He got home around 2 am this morning, slept in, and is back to his normal goofy self today :) PJ made it in safely around 3 pm from his prayer retreat, and I can see a change in him. I don't know what he experienced there, and don't know that I ever will, but his temper has toned down quite a bit, and I've only been around him for a couple of hours :) God really is awesome! I am so happy to have found His grace and love :) Please continue to keep us in your prayers for many reasons. One, that none of us get this horrible virus! and Two that we learn to be more content in waiting on God. I need to be content that PJ at least has a job, and not so bitter with his employer over things. PJ also needs to find that contentment. I also need to learn to get a better grip on my anger and attitude. I am slowly getting better at being slow to anger and bridling my tongue, but still have quite a way to go. Only thanks to God's neverending grace and love have I managed as much as I have :)

Long Day...

2008-03-15T00:31:00.003-05:00

So it's been quite a day :) FIrst I woke up to a rude comment, in which I prayed over my response, and hope that I answered it in the way God wanted me to. I feel confident that I did. Then, of course, it was just one of those days, where I couldn't seem to get it together and get anywhere on time. I was running late all morning and afternoon. Then PJ got home, and put off getting ready for his prayer retreat until the last minute (which he ALWAYS does) which had me frustrated with him, and being ugly to him instead of loving and supportive. I HATE being late, and he is always making us late (isn't it supposed to be the other way around?). After making 2 trips to drop him off at the church (he forgot his sleeping bag and pillow, so we had to come back!) I came home and me and the boys hung out a mom's for a bit. Nate was cracking us up chasing Bubby around on the floor. JRay would take off crawling and Nate would get to going after him so fast he'd trip over his hands! We watched him go up the hump into mom's kitchen, then to come back down it, he would lay his head down on the lower floor and basically ROLL head first off it. It was hilarious. JRay decided to spend the night with Nana, and me and Nate came home. I sat here on the computer for a while, and at 9:50pm I got a call from PJ. I was excited to be hearing from him thinking I wouldn't because I figured he didn't have a signal where they are. Well, the first words I hear following "hey" were "Are you sitting down?". My heart sank to my stomach. I said, "Yeah.... why?????". He told me Dad was in the hospital, and of course I just screamed WHAT? WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? thinking he'd had a heart attack or something. I couldn't believe mom hadn't called and told me already! Well, that was because mom didn't know. So I didn't want her finding out on the phone via PJ, especially since it had been a couple of hours since he went to the hospital! I grabbed Nate out of bed and headed over there to tell her. Apparently he'd been sick all afternoon with diarrhea. Then he laid down sometime before or after dinner not feeling well. Some time along the line, not sure of in which order, he started vomiting profusely, and passed out and had a seizure. They called an ambulance, and PJ and another brother in Christ followed the ambulance in the church van. We spent a little while not sure what was going on, but suspecting dehydration. So I just talked to mom and they were releasing him from the hospital after giving him fluids, which perked him up quite a bit. According to the brother bringing him home (PJ went back to the retreat) he looked TONS better just from the time he'd left the hospital to take PJ back to camp, and got back to get Dad. So he should be home in a couple of hours. I made JRay come home since I didn't want him over there to catch it! I hope PJ doesn't get it! I'm sure at least one of the men on that church van will come down with it! The nurses said at the hospital that there have been alot of different stomach bugs this season, but that one has been one of the worst ones they've ever seen. They said it hits you out of nowhere, and hits hard and fast. So, please keep my Daddy in your prayers, as well as PJ and all the other men at that retreat that have been confined in small spaces with daddy since this afternoon! Just please ask God to put a bubble around them and keep them from all getting it! And pray that mom doesn't get it! With her heart I'm sure a virus like that would do a number on her. Mine and her diabetes makes us very prone to getting sick QUICK and BAD. We usually end up in the hospital severely dehydrated with ketoacidosis. I am just sooooooooooo happy that Daddy is ok. That was so scarey. I don't want to lose my Daddy! I love him too much to let go of him!

For your enjoyment...

2008-03-10T23:14:00.003-05:00

Please listen to the song as you view my two precious boys :) I want us all to remember what Easter is REALLY about. I have never been one to play the Easter Bunny role. I feel that this is THE most important holiday we celebrate, and I want to be certain my boys understand what and why we celebrate on this day. So enjoy the pictures, but please enjoy the music, and open your heart to what God has for you. He loves you so much He sent His son to die for you. Could you or would you do that? I know I wouldn't. THAT is an incomprehensible love. It's AGAPE LOVE. Please don't let another sun set on your heart without coming to know Christ. I really want to see each and every one of you in Heaven :)

Love and Patience

2008-03-09T15:19:00.005-05:00

So, I've really struggled with my patience lately. I have also come to realize that with that, has come a struggle within myself to love as God has commanded me to love. I've been very intolerant of people who do things I don't agree with. I have been very intolerant of my son's school and teacher. Intolerant of my husband's employer. Intolerant of so many things. It seems today, as we were sitting in Sunday school, it occurred to me that if God were anywhere nearly as intolerant of me as I am others, then I would be a total wreck at this point. I mean, He provided PJ a job when he needed it. He has always provided our needs with his low paying job so that I don't have to leave our children and work, and when we needed a vehicle, He provided it. So why is it I'm always so impatient and unhappy with God's way? He is not going to let us down. He never has, and He never will. Yes, we hate PJ's job, but he did finally get $1 raise this week. Is it really enough for the life we'd like to have? No, not even close. But somehow, our bills always get paid, even if late. We always eat. We always have our medications. He will not let us down.

So why do I not trust Him? I have no idea. I do trust him, but not like I should. I have a BAD tendency to let self get in the way. to let DESIRE get in the way. I want a life where we have a home that doesn't leak, a back that allows me to keep the home clean, a car that doesn't go *jerk jerk whine* when you hit 40mph. Not to mention a 2nd vehicle so that I don't have to drag the kids out at 5 am to take PJ to work when I need transportation. But the fact of it is, as much as many people may not agree... none of those things are NEEDS. My house leaks, but only in my bathroom. Nowhere that affects our ability to stay dry. My van is acting up, but it is STILL getting us where we need to go. 2nd vehicle, just a convenience, not a need. The house doesn't get cleaned very well with my back, but at least I can still walk. At least I have a home to need to clean!

So yeah... I guess maybe it's been God smacking me upside the head... no... he's done that alot when I NEED it, but this time it's more Him gently taking me by the hand, and reminding me of just how good I really have it. Reminding me that He loves me, just for me, and will always take care of mine and my family's needs, as long as we are faithful to trust Him and faithful to give back to him what He blesses us with.

Just a thought...

Philippians 4:19
"And my God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in Glory, by Jesus Christ"
We look at that as supplying our physical needs. But to me, this scripture is telling me God will supply my SPIRITUAL needs. He has already supplied that biggest need "by Jesus Christ" by sending His son to die for us, so that we may inherit the kingdom of Heaven, "His riches in Glory"

Isaiah 58:11:

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

I think this one speaks for itself. He will take care of us. ALWAYS.

There are so many scriptures that back this up. So I know what I must do. I must learn to trust God, and to be grateful for the blessings which He has bestowed on me and my family, and stop looking for what else He can give me, but better yet, look more for what I can give back. As my old pastor used to say, "You can't out give God" :)

I'll leave you with this wonderful song, by Darrel Evans, one of my all time favorites. It truly speaks to my heart, and I hope it will yours

I'm Trading My Sorrows

Verse
I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame;
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.
I'm trading my sickness, I'm trading my pain;
I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord.
Refrain
We say yes, Lord, yes, Lord,
yes, yes, Lord,
yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes, yes, Lord,
yes, Lord, yes, Lord, yes, yes, Lord. Amen.
Bridge
I am pressed but not crushed,
persecuted, not abandoned,
struck down but not destroyed.
I am blessed beyond the curse,
for His promise will endure,
that His joy is gonna be my strength.
Though the sorrow may last for the night,
his joy comes with the morning. (to Verse)

Playtime Fun and milestone

2008-03-05T10:48:00.003-06:00

So I had some playtime for a while with lil bit this morning. We had quite a time :) Then, I put him down for a nap (of course he fought me) left the room, waited for him to fight it out for a couple of minutes so I could repeat my routine of going in there, replacing his paci, rub his back, etc... well, a minute passed, and he got quiet. Wait a minute... that's not what he does... he does not give up that easily. I went in there, and this is how I found him... yep, it's official...

He's Pulling Up. Oh BOY! Life as I know it is OVER.

And a slideshow of playtime (cause you KNOW I took pics) We had a lot of fun with our toys, and the Baby Einstein Playtime CD. He's learning to develop different skills alot more since I childproofed his room and started turning him loose in there :)

I love these boys :)

2008-03-05T07:10:00.005-06:00

These two are always doing sweet, crazy, silly, hilarious things to melt my heart :) If you want to be entertained for life, have boys. So much fun. Really.

First up, we have Mr. JRay. Hah, there's not a lot else necessary to be added to that! I mean, come on, he's JRAY people. This has got to be the funniest kid I have ever known. You honestly NEVER know what to expect from him.

So, this is how mornings look around here. (You think this is funny, you should see his Momma in the mornings!)

Then there's the moment you look at him, and he's got the 'stache going on. And all you can do is grab the camera :)

And, of course he must do it better... wouldn't be JRay without that competitive edge!

Next up, we have his younger counterpart, Nate. I can see so many personality similiarities is SCARES ME. I'm terrified to think of the things these two will cook up together! Nate is already so infatuated with Bubby, and vice versa! In these pics, we had put some boxes down to block Nate from getting to Bubby's ever so dangerous room (the baby gate got broken by yours truly trying to set it up), and this is how he responded. He never made it over, but he sure tried for well over an hour! Relentless like Bubby, too. No one else in this family is relentless, so he MUST get it from Bubby, right? (straightens halo)

So he decided to try to climb the boxes for a while, almost got over a few times, and a few times gave me this "look" when I asked him what he was doing (notice the socks in the floor, not on his feet? and ignore all the crumbs in the floor, I'm too busy raising my kids to worry about the petty things like a spotless house. Cheerios are loved here too)...

And of course, after he admitted defeat (or decided to take a rest, but we'll pretend for my sanity that I won this battle and he admitted defeat) He just HAD to find something else to do...

His favorite pastime..

So now I hear the "coughs" coming from the nursery and must go rescue the poor pitiful sick baby *winks* Ah this age is so fun :) Both ages! (minus the attitude developing in the 7 year old, but he's still my lovey little boy!)

Busy Weekend

2008-03-02T21:36:00.004-06:00

So this has been a pretty busy weekend. First, JRay had the Pepsi Bowling tournament sectionals. I highly doubt he'll proceed to the state level, as he didn't get his average once, but I'm still super proud of him. He tried very hard. He's come a LONG way this year. He's learned to have an actual approach, and as you can see from the below picture, he has GREAT form. he's gonna follow in his Daddy's footsteps, and be an excellent bowler. At 7 years old, he's currently holding down an 85 average :) I took several pics, but this one just melts my heart. He looks GREAT in this shot :)

And results were:
STRIKE!

Today was a big day for the family :) We joined the church, and dedicated both boys. JRay was never dedicated due to the circumstances of his dad's and mine's spiritual situation at the time, so I felt that it was right to dedicate him alongside his brother. I can't dedicate one child to God and not the other! Anyway, it went great. JRay was so well behaved during the service. He's usually in children's church, so I was SOOOOO proud of him :) I even forgot he was there a few times he was so good! He's turning into my lil man *cries*. Nate, well, LOL... first while we were standing before the church and Bro Hal was talking and doing his bit, Nate kept pulling JRay's hair. It was HILARIOUS. Poor JRay! Lil Bro is gonna be such a bully to Bubby I think! Then when Hal took him, he was just MESMERIZED by him. I think it's the billowing voice LOL. Anyway, a couple of pics of that. Feels good to be "home" again :) I really missed my church family at FIMC :)

New Babywearing pics

2008-02-29T21:55:00.002-06:00

Got my new Kozy Mei Tai in the mail today. It's a silk Kozy, and is soooooooo yummy. It's got velour straps/inner and silk brocade outer and tips. I am soooo in love with this carrier. It's the first time I've tried a Kozy. I don't know if the regular twill/cotton Kozy's are this comfy or not, but I have never felt anything so comfy! the SAD thing is, the straps just aren't long enough for my fluffy self :( I need XL straps to do a good back carry. So looks like this gorgeous yummy carrier will be going back up for sale. Unless I can find someone willing to trade for another one with XL straps. I'm not even sure it comes in XL straps. Anyway, I look like death 10x's over today, so I took some pics of PJ wearing Nate with it :) I thought they were too sweet not to share :)

New Pics :)

2008-02-29T09:26:00.003-06:00

So, back to your regular programming :) Took Nate's 9 month pics yesterday. It was an interesting day. As I was standing there at the edge of the bed blocking (or so I thought) him from going over the edge, I turned my head literally two seconds to pic up a prop, and around me and OVER the bed he crawled, head first into the floor. So after a half hour of calming him down and checking himt o make sure he was ok, we were ok to finish taking the pics. I learned a valuable lesson yesterday... Nate is FULLY mobile. We bought baby gates last night! Now he's safe from the kitchen! I bought one for the hall/bedroom door too, and JRay found it rather fun to repeatedly go over it. It was hilarious. The things that entertain that boy baffle me!

You can view the rest of them at my photosite, the link is to your right.

Ok, here are a few of them...

Those tears were just too cute not to capture :) look at that bottom lip!

This one didn't focus since he was moving, but it was just tooooo sweet not to keep and share :) Looks like he's praying!

I love that "awestruck" look on his face!

And, of course, that sweet little look he gives when he's being so sweet!

My Awesome JRay :)

2008-02-28T07:41:00.003-06:00

So since a loving, considerate stranger has decided to point out that most of my blogs are primarily about Nate, and that I only speak ill of my precious JRay (and those who know me know this is so very true, right?) Here's a post all about JRay :) The things that make me fall in love with him more and more with every day that passes.

1.) He is my son :) That's enough to end the list, but I"ll keep going.
2.) He is such a trooper. 2 eye surgeries, tons of ophthalmologist appointments, tubes, speech therapy, ADHD, divorce, and he's still an amazingly sweet, respectful, caring little boy. My heart swells with pride every time I even THINK about him :)
3.) Those snuggles. He gives the bestest snuggles ever!
4.) He's such a hard worker. He gives everything 110% :) I never have to worry that slipping grades are a result of not trying. He ALWAYS tries :)
5.) Those big gorgeous blue eyes :) I could get lost in them.
6.) The way he absolutely ADORES his baby brother. He can't spot Naynay without totally attacking him with lovin' :) I love seeing them love each other so much!
7.) He is a Christian. He was saved by teh Grace of God on Oct. 8, 2006 after church :) They had discussed salvation in children's church, and he was questioning us about it on the way home. After we got home we sat down on his bed with the Bible, went over it all, and prayed the prayer of salvation :) I am SO BLESSED to have been able to be the one to lead him in that prayer. He loves God, and has a strong desire to do God's work. Many times he comes home from school with questions to things answered with things about being a Christian and showing God's love :)
8.) He's forgetful :) I love it because it reminds me so much of me! The boy has a worse memory than I do! It's one of the many things that make JRay unique, and those are all the things I love most about him!
9.) Because you just can't meet JRay and not fall in love with him :) He just rocks my socks!
10.) and because God loaned him to me :) He is not MINE. He is God's. And Sunday when I dedicate him and Nate back to the Lord, I'm committing myself, PJ, our families, and our church family, to raising him in a Godly home, and teaching him those things that he should know to go out and do the Lord's work :) I may find much disfavor in many eyes, but I found enough favor in God's eyes to be loaned two very precious boys, and I know in my heart that God has great plans for the both of them :)

I'm sure that those who know me know there is no doubt that I love my children with all that I am. I dont' even pretend to be perfect. I know I"m not perfect. But the great thing is, I'm forgiven :) And God continues to forgive. All I have to do is ask Him :) I struggle in my Christian walk EVERY SINGLE DAY. It is not easy to walk the straight and narrow path. And I know that many times my failures become stumbling blocks to others, and I will have to answer to God for that on the day of Judgement. But, I know that God forgives me for those mistakes, and still loves me no matter what. Through the times I've taken His love and pushed it back at Him and refused it, He STILL loved me. He always has, and he always will. I"ve learned lot in Revival this week, but the biggest thing I have learned is that my attitude affects my ministry. And we all know that my "attitude" has always been a big part of who I am. So I need ya'll to pray for me, and encourage me when you see me getting angry. I want to live a life that is pleasing to God. I want to win souls for Christ. I want to see EVERYONE make it to Heaven. So, God, please forgive me for the sins I've committed, even since reading the first response to my blog below. Cleanse me of unpure thoughts. Help me to be righteous. And ya'll encourage me to do the same! I love you all! But not as much as God loves you, because I don't know that I could give my son to die for you, but He certainly did, without hesitating.

Nate's Checkup

2008-02-27T13:24:00.002-06:00

Went rather well :) He weighed 21.4 lbs and was 28 inches long. (I guess, she had a pretty hard time getting him to sit still and straighten out his leg! He kept trying to roll away!). He's in the 25th percentile for length, and the 60th percentile for weight. It's definitely a change going from JRay, who has always been off the charts for everything, to one who's actually in the low brackets! I guess we're gonna have us a lil shorty on our hands :) It was bound to happen sooner or later with all the shorties in our families! He's still the most handsome baby ever though :) And JRay the most handsome boy ever! I'm so blessed to have such handsome fellas in my life! It's funny how often I hear how much he looks like JRay, because to me he looks just like PJ. I mean, yeah, JRay actually favors PJ a good bit, even though he's not his dad, but in that sense I think JRay favors me more than Rob. *shrugs* crazy, isn't it? So yeah, my lil 10lb "sack of taters" as Papa so lovingly named him is actually not so big anymore! Doesn't matter, they'll both always be my lil babies! I talked to Dr. Hull about JRay and what's been going on with him, and we're going to up his Adderall dosage next time we refill. I hate doing that, but he really does need it I guess. He's really struggling lately, and I know it's not for lack of trying. Even at home when I have him doing extra work, he's working SO HARD and still missing A LOT of the questions, and it breaks his heart when I tell him how much he missed. He understands it, he's just missing so many things that he SHOULD be seeing. Punctuation, capitalization, etc. Things that he understands, he just misses them in the sentence. I honestly thought that maybe we were wrong with his ADHD diagnosis, but now I believe that's not so. I can see that the older he gets the more prevalent it appears.

Have to go run make some Avon deliveries now! I'll get to those pics tomorrow hopefully! It's snowing today! WOW! I don't recall EVER having this much snow in Bama... not since the couple of snowstorms we had back in the 80's, anyway!

Forgot to mention..

2008-02-26T09:47:00.003-06:00

Nate went to the eye doctor for an infant screening last week, and he is having to go see an ophthalmologist on March 28. His left eye is turning in, and he is a tad farsighted. Dr Drake
said it was probably nothing to worry about, but he wanted to be sure. So ya'll be praying for that. He goes in the morning to Dr Hull for his 9 month checkup, so I'll be sure to post an update on that when we get back :)

My baby's growing up

2008-02-26T08:59:00.003-06:00

Wow... so Nate is 9 months old today. It's so hard to believe that it's been NINE WHOLE MONTHS since my lil guy was growing in my womb. Where on earth has that time gone? Sometimes amidst all the joy of his precious little life, it is so sad and depressing to look at him and know the buck stops here. I really do regret getting a tubal, but know ultimately it was the best decision for us with my health and our financial situation. Still, those dreams of a large family with 10 kids running around... *sighs* it's just hard to admit that I have to hang up those dreams. But, as I just now got back from rocking my sweet little man to sleep, and I stared at that innocent face, and kiss those gorgeous cheeks, I remember those dear to me, both friends and family, who are struggling with being able to even have one child, and it's in that I realize how blessed I am that God found favor to give me two very wonderful little boys :) Now, onto those blessings...

So, he's 3/4 a year old now. Only 3 months to his first birthday. As much as I don't want him to get any older, I find myself planning that first birthday party in my head. He's such an awesome baby. I just love him so much. He brings out the best in all of us. Tooth #5 is just about to pop through. You can see it, it just hasn't broken the skin yet. He's crawling EVERYWHERE, usually where I don't want him to be of course. He HATES the playpen, hates for me to leave the room, and LOVES to pull my hair :) He's starting to try to pull up. He's eating everythign you put in front of him (unless it's green!).

I've started making my own baby food. Not fully yet, but little by little. I've made butternut squash, pears, applesauce and dutch apple, and sweet corn. He loves them all, of course. I just feel like they add so many preservatives and other things to the jarred baby food, he's just not getting the best he could. I mean, I dont' think the jar stuff is BAD for him, but after researching, I find a lot of the natural nutrients found in fruits and vegetables are lost in the preserving process. We are still cloth diapering and babywearing. We're actually doing alot more babywearing now than we were. Nate has gotten really clingy lately, and the separation anxiety is starting to kick in, so when I need to get things done around here I throw him on my back and have at it :) He loves being close to mommy! He loves playing with my hair and squealing and just being a happy little baby boy! He's drinking a lot less formula these days and eating a lot more food. He is pretty much only taking approx 3 bottles a day now.

JRay is doing well. We're having a few "issues" with school, but nothing I can't nip in the bud. He's hada couple of C's recently, so he's grounded this week, and is doing lots of boring math and language and handwriting worksheets after he finishes homework. He's lucky we have Revival this week, or he'd be doing a lot more worksheets! I'm having a hard time dealing with having to play the "mean mommy" role, but it's necessary. I'm sure it's just a phase he's going through. Anyone who's been through this age with boys, I'm open to suggestions! His attitude is starting to stink like a pond full of dead fish, and his carelessness is getting out of control. I had him in tears 3 times this morning before school. It is REALLY HARD for me to be so hard on him. Most of you know how much I love him and how sensitive he is and how hard it is for me to be hard on him! But, I do it because I know it's essential to him developing into that Godly young man that I know he will be. He's so loving and compassionate and just all around good. It almost seems to me that he's not TRYING to be this way. That he can't help it. But, I do know he can. He's currently being evaluated for TAG (gifted) so hopefully he'll get in. I think it would make a HUGE difference in his behavior at school, since i feel most of the issues are stemming from him just flat out being BORED. So ya'll just pray for us as we continue to tackle this little feat. Oh the joys of parenting!

Like I mentioned above, we're in Revival this week. Bro Carl Cureton is leading it, and all I can say is WOW. This man has some seriously Divine information coming down. We have really enjoyed the last two nights, and look foward to the next three! The Spirit of God is really moving in our midst.

Oh, and before I forget, we will be dedicating Nate and JRay both next week at church. Service starts at 10:30, and we'd love for any of you to come share in this with us :) It's very special for us! I was never able to officially dedicate JRay when he was a baby because of mine and his dad's spiritual situation at the time, so I feel that it's only right that I do this with him alongside his brother. We will also be joining the church at the same time. We realized after leaving FIMC to venture into a world of Baptist vs Methodist vs Bible and whatnot, that we were just happy at FIMC. I could care less about this denomination thing. I care about what the Bible says, and as long as the church preaches the Bible, and preaches to LIVE by the Bible, I'm good :) So we've been going back to FIMC for the last few months, and have been so happy there :) They are such a loving church family! And well, you can't not sit under Bro Hal's messages and NOT miss them! That man is so full of the Lord! We've been getting pretty tickled at him this week :) It's always a joy to be able to watch him sit back and enjoy hearing the Word :)

ok, this has been long, SORRY! just trying to catch everyone up! I had planned on taking Nate's 9 month pics today, but it's overcast today so the lighting stinks. We'll see :)

And now some more bragging pics...

2008-02-23T01:21:00.002-06:00

Since I've neglected the blog department, I'm catching up! So deal with it :) Here are Nate (and JRay's) Valentine/8 month pics :) I had a BLAST taking these, and am LOVING my new camera, the Canon 40D. It's a big camera, and easy to shake, so it's taking some adjusting to keep a steady hand :)

Both of my precious boys being silly yet sweet!

Nate and those sweet innocent melt your heart baby blues :)

And the perfect picture made better with all sorts of slobber sweetness!!

And just being his sweet little self

And lastly (but of course you know there are tons more pics) my lil flirtacious thing sticking that tongue out and smiling! Melts my heart when he does that!

The rest of the pics can be found here at my photo site

My Sweeties :)

2008-02-23T01:05:00.000-06:00

So, we all know I'm just a little biased when it comes to my boys. And JRay got to have his first babywearing experience today :) (ok, yesterday, but who's looking at the clock?) and I just have to share some pics of it :)

The staredown of the century!

Bubby was getting mauled and attacked by Nate!

BW'ing Daddy in the making!

And I have a couple of pics of me trying out a new carrier we got, and pics of the pod we've had a while, but just re-found the love for. The Mei Tai is a Bundle O'Baby wrap style MT. It's a great affordable MT, and can be bought here from Kara at Mom and Baby Naturally

Don't you love that fake smile?

He's just too darn cute for words!

Wow I forgot how comfy this thing is! Pods RULE!
BW'ing leaves room for lots of Mommy kisses!And Mommy Snuggles!

The Great Milk Debate

2008-02-22T23:22:00.000-06:00

So, a thread on BBC really got my goat going tonight. I'm so tired of how people say this is the cause of that. Am I the only one fed up with all the so called studies that put down EVERYTHING we do for our kids and claim that doing them is killing our children? I mean SERIOUSLY? Now giving babies cow's milk before a year of age causes them to have diabetes! How the heck do you even come up with that ridiculous idea? And I DARE ANYONE to try to debate me on diabetes related issues. I'm very up to date on all things diabetes study related. I stay in the know of these things in hopes of one day having a cure for myself and being able to plan on living a very long life, maybe even having GREAT grandkids. Type 1 diabetes is essentially an autoimmune disease! Your body's immune system goes haywire and attacks the islet cells in the pancreas. Those are the insulin producing cells. Can someone please explain to me how COW'S milk causes your immune system to attack your pancreas? I really can't wait for PROOF of that one, not some stupid study that uses THEORY. I'm SO SICK of theory. I'm a facts based momma. I could give a rip about theory! Theorize all you want, but until you give me FACTS, I'm not listening. Just like the great aspartame debate. Get over it. Those "studies" were PROVEN (there, again, with FACTS) wrong years ago. Aspartame is as safe for you and your unborn child as any other artificial ANYTHING you consume.

Get off it people. I'm so sick of everyone who reads some stupid study taking it for fact without doing their own research, then when a momma makes a decision that has her baby's best interest at heart, attacking her for her decision because she can't possibly be as good a momma as you since she doesnt' believe every single freaking thing she reads. So, if that be a case....

Drinking water causes you to grow a 3rd nipple! OMG! Ya'll, stop drinking water now! Spread the word! This is a study from the University of WackJob Tech!

Pain and Stress

2007-10-11T23:29:00.001-05:00

So, life is just ok right now. I mean, it could be worse, so I honestly feel bad complaining. But the pain in my back in neck is growing worse and worse every day. I really need to go to the doc before it's too late, because I think I've got a case of untreated whiplash. I just hate to go, and not having a car makes it hard to find a way there. I had an appointment for Tues, but cancelled because PJ couldnt' get home from work in time for me to take the Nova, which I'm terrified to drive! Stupid I know, but it's so big, and so "classic" that it just scares me! And mom had a doc appointment at the same time, so borrowing her car was out. I'm SO SICK of waiting on this guy's insurance. He has to knwo the accident was his fault. I mean, I was in the dang turn lane, not moving. I was about to merge into southbound traffic, and he was facing north in southbound traffic when we hit!!!!! I need a car dangit! And he didn't even take damage to his car, which was a company car to begin with! And Goodyear owned at that! Makes me lose all respect for Goodyear. I'll never own another Goodyear tire, and I"ll make it my life's mission to tell everyone I know to neve ruse Goodyear tires. Like they can't afford to fork out $2000 to buy me a new car, or to attempt to fix mine. I honestly think it's going to cost more to fix mine than the car is worth. They're lucky I'm not a sue happy kind of person. My 3 month old infant was in that car! He left me carless with two small children, and hurting severely in my back and neck, so I could very well put a lawsuit on them, but I"m just not that way. It was an accident. The least they could do is step up to the plate and take care of me, ya know? A multi billion dollar corporation can spare to buy me a new friggen car. This Rick Evans guy needs to just admit his fault and get it over with. *sighs*... ok, I'm done venting for now. It's just SO FRUSTRATING when you're already poor, and cannot afford a car payment. The only car you had was an 11 year old car with over 200K miles on it, but it was yours, paid for, and then some jerk off rams into you head on and takes that away, when he walks away out nothing.