God's Timing Is Absolute

As I sit here today, watching Sesame Street over and over on Netflix with my 5 year old while contacting doctors, health insurance companies, looking for contact information for schools, going through checklists, and explaining to the ex why a 2 week visit with our son is complicated at this point in our son's life as we try to cut through mountains of red tape created by the state of Florida to get our son enrolled in middle school for the school year that begins in just over a month (all while bending over backwards to comply with his last minute requests), all while trying to figure out where the money to keep our heads above water is gong to come from and researching and planning to shoot a wedding in 3 months, something I swore I would never do, I am reminded that God's timing is absolute. (How's THAT for a run-on sentence?!) He's not restricted to our schedules and deadlines. I have been feeling so overwhelmed at the amount of responsibilities piling up on my head. Did I mention that I am without transportation because we simply can't afford the $300-400 Florida requires to register our vehicle with them for the first time? But guess what? God isn't surprised by any of  this. Because He has a plan. But, His plans are obviously not my plans! and His ways are DEFINITELY not my ways! My ways mess everything up. My plans involve panic and fear. His plans involve hope, and a future! 

So, just remember, no matter what you're going through, the battle just isn't yours. The battle is God's. He has already gone before you. Trust in His plans. His timing. His ways. And most importantly, trust in His grace to carry you through these trials. His arms are ALWAYS open to you. He won't leave you. He won't abandon you!

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. (Jeremiah 29:11-13 NLT)

Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:8 NLT)

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD.

“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so my ways are higher than your ways

and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8, 9 NLT)

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NLT)

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 NLT)

Monday Musings

* We are watching Tropical Storm Debby closely. Her exact landfall point is currently changing with each new update. This is our first storm since moving to the Gulf Coast. It has been a very enlightening experience. She's been slow, moody, and unpredictable.

* We had a communion service at church yesterday. God revealed a lot to me during this time. My depression has been crippling my relationship with Him, and I've been letting it. I miss the closeness I once had with Him. I miss being so in love with Him that every thought centered on Him. I want to find that place again. I'm tired of being sad, insecure, lonely, and angry. I keep searching for Him, but I can't seem to quite find Him. But He found me yesterday. I've had such peace and overwhelming emotion since that moment. 

* Money is really tight. Bills are past due. Work has been slow. This is NOT what we moved to Florida for. This is not what I uprooted my life and my family's lives for. But, God assured me yesterday that He's got this. And that He will supply all of my NEEDS. Including those life-sustaining supplies and meds I'm getting low on. Just gotta keep trusting HIM, not Brooke. I'm bad about that, being the control freak that I am.

* What happens to us that we are so CLOSE to God one day, comletely focused on Him and having Him consume our every thought, and the next we are searching for Him and unable to find Him? I mean, when you never stop looking for Him, but wake up one day and realize that there is an entire mountain range standing between you and your Beloved. How does that happen? 

* VBS was last week. The youth helped out, so both boys were there all week. JRay helped in the kitchen, and Nate was placed with the K-2 age group. I'm thinking he wasn't quite ready for that group yet since he only just turned 5 less than a month ago, but he still had a blast the entire week. He couldn't ever tell me what they learned, but he knew they were chasing the Light! He made himself center stage during the show on Friday night. Rolling around on the stage, creating a mosh pit with the wall, etc. He just makes me so proud. 

* We cleaned house after church yesterday. I've not felt well for several weeks now. Probably more like several months. I've had zero energy and have really struggled with keeping things done. So the house was really getting to an unbearable point. Momma went on a rampage after we got home, and needless to say, we all worked together and I am able to rest with the boys in a CLEAN house today. It's such a great feeling. I miss feeling like myself. 

* I got a porch swing off of Freecycle. It just needs cushions. Those aren't as easy to find as I expected, but I'm determined. So many precious memories with my Momma were made on her porch swing. Right now it's sitting in the front driveway next to the house waiting to be used. It may turn out to be my new counselor ;)

* I love my husband ;) He is so good to me, so understanding, compassionate, and loving. He gets that I'm not myself these days, and really goes out of his way to shoulder more of my load, on top of his own already heavy burdens. I couldn't ask for a better man to share my life with. I don't share that with him enough. I need to work on that.

* I'm so sick of religion. It's been on my heart for so long now. I'm disgusted with what "the church" has become. We spend so much time arguing denomination, that we miss the people staring us in the face that just need to be loved. We spend so much time looking for that perfect church, with perfect worship, the right message, that we totally miss the point of it all. It's not about what the church does inside those walls on Sunday morning. It's about what we do OUTSIDE those walls the rest of the week. We are called to LOVE one another. We spend so much time judging one another we forget how to love. I'm not saying that we should ignore the rest of the Word, but at the heart of it all is LOVE (1 Cor. 13). When we let His love work through us, the rest falls into place. There's no room in it all for religion. Religion is for the Pharisees.

Seeking Peace

I had the privilege of taking a vacation with my little family along with my Dad and Stepmom this week.  Nothing special, just a few unscheduled, unencumbered days at the beach with those closest to me. Since moving 325 miles away from "home" a year ago, I just don't get to see my Daddy often. And I miss him. A lot. My Daddy is like the older male version of me. I have always been and always will be a Daddy's Girl. This vacation couldn't have come at a better time. I've been struggling so hard with anger and resentment. Not towards anyone specific, but, needless to say, my precious husband has caught the brunt of it. He works hard to provide for our family, but is sinfully underpaid and under appreciated. So our finances have been in a real pickle since work slowed down and overtime all but disappeared. We rely on that overtime to survive in this expensive Florida economy. So all of that, combined with my severe loneliness and longing for a close friend, have created some serious turmoil inside of my fragile heart. I have been questioning and pulling away from God. I knew I was doing it, and I didn't want to do it, but somehow couldn't stop it. I've felt Ike Paul, in Romans 7:14-25.

"So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.

 I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin." (Romans 7:14-25 NLT)

I am constantly at war with myself. But this week, while getting away from the Internet, Facebook, and all of the other distractions in my life to spend some quiet time with family, I found a glimpse of that peace that goes beyond understanding again. I found a quiet place within my soul that I can retreat to when the every day becomes too much. I found my real Daddy again. The One who still wants me to crawl up in His lap, cry on His shoulder, and just rest in His strong arms. I've missed Him. I'm so thankful that even when we are struggling with our love for Him, His love for us only grows stronger. His desire to hold us only intensifies. 

And I'm thankful for my earthly Daddy. I'm thankful that his wife provided this vacation for us, I'm thankful that even when I have been critical and unfair to her out of my own grief that she chose to love me, and I'm thankful that through the years, my Daddy has always loved me and been there for me. I'm thankful that after losing my Momma after nearly 37 years of marriage that OUR Daddy has given him happiness again. I miss sharing a driveway with him, but am thankful that we still share an even stronger bond of love.

Mother's Day

Hello all my beautiful readers. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten you, and that I do intend to continue the depression series. However, my diabetes is giving my eyes fits lately, so my vision is just a little messed up, to put it mildly. So I just can't sit here and really pour my heart into this like I need to. I have a post burning my heart at the moment, but it will have to wait until my eyes settle down.

Meanwhile, I want to wish all of the Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day. I pray your weekend is full of love and joy and memories. As most of you know (and if you don't, spend some time reading back a few years worth here, you'll get the idea), this is a REALLY difficult time of year for me. My sweet Mommy was taken from me much too soon May 14, 2008, the Wednesday following Mother's Day. It's just not been the same for me since. So, I may be MIA for the next week or so as I trudge through heartwrenching memories and grief. It's inevitable. I would appreciate your prayers through this time. My old "friend" depression comes on pretty strong during these times. Satan works hard to pull me back into that terrible place.

But I want to leave you with a scripture that I feel defines who my Mother was, and who the rest of us want to be. It's from the infamous Proverbs 31.

Proverbs 31:25-29 NLT


25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

Shelia Diana Evans Stover

April 11, 1955-May 14, 2008

My Mommy holding my youngest, Nate, on the day he as born. May 26, 2007. We miss you so much Momma and Nana! You are still so very loved!

Depression, the Beginning

Have you ever known someone that suffers with depression? Maybe you are that person? What was your initial response to this news or realization? Were your thoughts something along the lines of "Well he must not be the Christian he appears to be!" or " Her faith isn't strong enough! She needs to trust God with her problems!" or "They just need to give it to God and He'll change their heart!"? If so, you're right there with a large majority of the church. And to be honest, I was on the fence myself on the whole depression in Christians topic. Well, until a year ago, anyway. Then I received a rude awakening on the topic.

When you think of depression, what comes to mind? What do you consider as more than normal grief after a loss or some change and deep depression? Have you thought about it? Do you see it as a character flaw, or do you recognize it as a medical condition? There are so many varying opinions and champions on the topic. There are multiple sub-conditions that fall under the umbrella of depression. You have PTSD, Bi-Polar, CFS, and the list goes on and on and on. 

The fact is, depression is NOT a character flaw. There are so many causes of clinical depression, and many varying degrees and types. Sometime last summer, I began to fully realize just how difficult this was. I discovered that I have ALWAYS battled it. That I've always had depressive tendencies, but they were mistaken as insecurity and the result of life events that caused me to build walls around my heart. I have always heard the same ol' condemnations for Christians on antidepressants. But, let me tell you, if I had access to medical care that I could afford, I would probably have chosen them some time ago. And if you know me at all, you know that I am not a weak person. I am very stubborn, resilient, rebellious, and all out strong willed. I am not weak! So why was it, that during a time when God was giving me the fresh start I had prayed for, that I found I was isolating myself while at the same time craving a close friendship with ANYONE?! I withdrew from church attendance, from my children, my spouse, my father, and anyone else that loved me. I spent my days with heartache and my nights thinking up ways to end my life. My husband became concerned to the point of not wanting to leave me alone to go to work.

So, the words I heard so often kept coming back to me. Give it to God! All I have to do is ask Him to take it away, and He will! The thing is, I tried that. Please understand that I was not running from God. I was still seeking Him every day. I was reading the Word every day. I was praying every day. I was not separating myself from Him,  yet I felt farther from His presence than I had ever been. So I began to cry out to God. I'm talking on the floor, on my face, crying so hard I couldn't breathe, BEGGING God to release me of this darkness I felt. But as hard as I prayed, and as hard as I listened, I received and heard NOTHING in return. I fully BELIEVED that He could and would take this depression away. But He didn't. I found myself so confused, broken, and defeated. Why had He abandoned me? This went on for weeks. Still, I clung to His promises, and continued to seek Him. 

It was one night, late, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep, that God revealed His reasons to me for allowing me to continue in my suffering. As I was doing most of the time, at that point, I was asking God "WHY?!" and for the first time in months, I heard His voice. It was as clear as if I were talking to my husband laying beside me. I got one word for my answer. There, in the dark, with tears streaming down my face, I heard His answer. "Write." That was all He gave me, but in that moment I understood. God had allowed me to suffer so that I would use the gift He has given me to bring awareness to a topic that is considered very taboo among "the church". So, that is what I plan to do. I'm going to share this journey of mine with you, one blog post at a time, and heed the call He has placed on my life. As always, I am transparent, and don't plan to hide anything about this journey. I will be opening my closet wide open. So, before you read, please pray. Ask God to rid your heart of preconceived notions and condemnation.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
-Psalm 51:8

Getting Out My Trusty Feather Duster

It's been a LONG time since I really posted with any frequency here. I've tried to do something different here, or focus my efforts there. But, like this one, they all fizzled. Life gets crazy, distractions come my way, and I end up on a path that I never thought I would be on. But, I've been sitting here since my PJ left for work this morning at 5 am, searching, browsing, combing, and just reflecting. I have been struggling with depression for close to a year now. I"m not talking about grief. I still battle that, and suppose I always will. My Momma was and is very precious to me, and I miss her terribly. I'm talking about real, deep, dark, depression. To the extreme. And I realized, this morning, that one thing that I really MISS in my morning routine is writing. Just sharing my heart with anyone who cares enough to read it. Maybe I'm sharing too much about myself and my family on the internet. Maybe I just make myself look worse by the time I'm done. But, I'm really beyond the point of actually caring. My life is NOTHING like I envisioned it just 2 years ago. The past 2 years...no, the past FOUR years, have been a landslide of change and upheaval. I haven't adjusted very well. So now I'm left trying to figure out where exactly I missed the mark. When did I lose that closeness with God that I had just a year ago? I still love Him with all of my heart. I still seek Him every day. I am still in the Word every day. I'm still in prayer every day. But I no longer feel like He is WITH me. So, maybe we can trudge through this together? Maybe, just maybe, while I try to find my way back to His arms, you might find something that you're seeking as well?

Over the coming posts, I'm going to really dive into and cover depression. It's such a taboo topic within the church. Only the weak in faith suffer from depression, right? Those in a close, healthy relationship with our Savior couldn't possibly suffer from depression. I'm about to knock those, and many other myths about depression, out of the park.

Hold on tight. This ride might get a little rough.

New Blog

I hope everyone is doing well! I know I never update over here any more, and I'm so sorry! But I have begun a new blog, detailing the new Spiritual journey I am on. I will hopefully eventually get back to updating here on random thoughts, musings, and family updates, but for now, come follow me on my journey to becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman :)

My Journey to Proverbs 31

Immanuel

This morning, as my family slept, and all was quiet, I spent some amazing time alone with our Maker. It amazes me that in that quiet hour, I can be SO CLOSE to Him that I can feel His breath on my face. I can feel the warmth of His love in such a tangible way! It amazes me even more that He loves us enough to allow us to experience Him on such a personal level.

I was reading the status updates of my friends on Facebook when a church friend of mine for many years (most of my life) posted this: "When our lives look like a mess, we can remember why Jesus was called Immanuel.
"They will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" Matthew 1:23"

Wow. You know, that just goes right along with what I'm feeling. On this Christmas Eve, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Not in a stressful, shopping overload and too much candy making to be done sort of way. But, I'm overwhelmed with His love. I feel His presence so strongly in my life that I just find myself wanting to fall on my face and worship Him. What has me so completely overwhelmed emotionally and mentally is that, as Matthew 1:23 tells us, He is with us. Not only did He create us, but He joined us. He was born into a physical body to be with us. Immanuel-God with us! He loves us THAT MUCH! Can we even begin to fathom His AGAPE love? What is AGAPE love?

Webster's dictionary defines "agape" in 2 forms, first as a noun, and also as an adjective or adverb.





1aga·pe noun \ä-ˈgä-(ˌ)pā, ˈä-gə-ˌpā\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: love feast
2
: love 4a

2agape adj or adv \ə-ˈgāp also -ˈgap\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: wide open : gaping
2
: being in a state of wonder

Did you catch that? being in a state of wonder. That's pretty much how I feel ALL the time when I think of God's love for me! So, Immanuel means God is with us. I mean He is WITH US! And, that, my friends, leaves me in a state of wonder. He came, as a helpless baby. Not for himself. I mean, he's GOD. It served HIM no purpose to put Himself through the torture He endured here. He did it for US. To reconcile us to Him. Because He loves us THAT MUCH that He desires to have that face to face relationship with us.

My own husband doesn't love me THAT much.

And love feast. Isn't that really what His love is? I mean, He wants us to feast on His love. He wants us to CRAVE Him, like the desert craves the rain!

This Christmas Eve, let's remember what we're celebrating. Let's take time to stand in wonder of the Love Feast He's offering us, and the fact that over 2000 years ago, IMMANUEL came. God With Us. Let's not forget that He is with us, and include Him in His own celebration :)

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!

The Gift of LOVE

I've been pondering the Christmas Season a lot lately. I know why WE celebrate it, and it breaks my heart to see HOW it's celebrated by so many. Now, don't get me wrong, if our financial situation were better, there would be a few gifts under the tree for our children. I don't see harm in giving gifts during this time, but I do have to sit and ponder on how over the top we go on this gift-giving escapade.

This is CHRISTMAS. It irks my skin to get CHRISTmas cards that say "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays", etc. I do not care how the holiday originally began as "Winter Solstice" as a pagan celebration of winter. I'm not pagan. I'm CHRISTian.

And I'm also tired of hearing that it's all about family. No, it's not. Family is someone you should want to celebrate such a joyous event with, but that's not what it is about. What WE are celebrating is the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. His sacrifice did not begin on Crucifixion Friday! It began when He made the decision to leave His Heavenly throne, and come to earth, as a BABY. He didn't just transport down here as a royal king, or some other noble. He actually went through conception, growing in His mother's womb, birth, nursing at her breast, unable to walk, talk, or do ANYTHING for Himself. He went through the terrible two's! He went through puberty. He was completely FLESH. He suffered physical pain. He suffered grief. He suffered. He did it for US. I mean... how can we discount what our Lord and Savior sacrificed simply by choosing to be BORN as a HUMAN? His birth began a journey of the most unimaginable LOVE ever walked. NO ONE could ever show the enormous love for us that He showed by deciding to be born as a helpless babe. He knew what we were capable of, yet He chose to trust Himself into our care anyway!

What if Mary had been like some modern day mothers who suffer PPD and murder their children, or leave their children at the door of an emergency room? What if she hadn't been the virtuous woman that she was? What if Joseph hadn't believed the angels and had left Mary to shame? Who would have believed that the SAVIOR could be born of what they would have perceived as a harlot? Of course, God's plan is perfect, and none of this did happen, but what if it had? Have you ever just sat, and thought about the sacrifice He made. not starting in the Garden of Gethsemane, but starting when the Holy Spirit combined His seed with Mary's, and conceived the Christ child!?

So, instead of rushing out to buy the best, most expensive gifts for your loved ones, why not take a moment to share the PERFECT gift with them? Remind yourself, and then your family and friends, WHY we are celebrating. It's because of His AGAPE Love that we celebrate, and His sacrifice. Not because we want a new camera, or because little Johnny wants a new Playstation. It's because He came, as a humble BABY, and sacrificed it ALL so that we could be reconciled to Him, and spend eternity with Him. Have you accepted that perfect gift? If not, what's keeping you? Time is not guaranteed, and you may not have another chance. You'll never go back from God's love :) There is no greater gift :) I'd be happy to talk to you if you have questions about this gift. I can be reached at brooke@bythebrookephotography.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tearing Down the Walls

God's working. He's working in our youth, He's working in our kids, He's working in our churches, and He's working OUT of our churches. The only problem is that we're hindering His work by worrying too much about how it appears. We worry about how it will look if we eat some humble pie and fall on our faces in the altar. We're afraid of how it will look if we give the Spirit control of our bodies and speak in tongues. We're afraid of how it will look if we run around, jump up and down, and worship our Savior without inhibition. David played, sang and DANCED! Why are we afraid to dance for God? We're afraid to admit that maybe this "doctrine" does in fact hold a water just because we were brought up to believe it didn't. Why are we so afraid of what the world thinks of us? Why? Because it's not the world who judges us. We judge ourselves. If we see so and so over there raising their hand to worship, we miss our own blessing because we're too busy judging Miss so and so on what she did last week, thinking "Yeah… look at you raising your hand… you're doing it just to be seen." We're missing our own blessing in the Spirit because we're too caught up in what's "correct". I mean, we spend so much time and energy arguing and trying to disprove others' opinions that we lose complete focus on what we're here for. We're here to love. We're here to show the world God's love. We can TELL them about God's love until we're blue in the face… but until we SHOW them God's love, they're just not going to grasp it. I can tell my children all day that I love them… but if I don't SHOW them that I love them, they're not gonna believe me! We have GOT to stop judging one another! Who are YOU to judge someone else? How big is that plank in your own eye!? I had the realization tonight that someone I care about deeply is afraid to allow someone else I care about deeply into a prayer meeting, because he's afraid the other person won't like the way they do it, and will judge them. Why are we afraid to be who God made us with one another!? Why do we continue to judge one another: Lutheran, Protestant, Pentecostal…. Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ… come on folks!!!! WAKE UP! It is NOT about whether you agree on speaking on tongues, or on hopping pews, or on what music is ok to play and what's not ok to play! What it IS about is God's LOVE! That's what it ALL comes down to! HIS LOVE! He loves us SO MUCH, He sent His son… His own son, to die for us. To take our sins, and bear them on that cross… so that we can have a one on one relationship with Him! He wants to KNOW you! He wants YOU to know HIM! God's doing something big in our churches. He is. He's wanting to do something big in this WORLD. But until we stop arguing over silly things, and stop worrying about what others think about how we worship our Savior, then we're going to miss it. When we decide to stop arguing, and are in one mind, and one accord, and LOVE one another, as Christ loves us… we're going to miss the revival that's building! When Paul preached and wrote to each of the individual churches, he didn't change his "doctrine" for each individual church. There was ONE gospel, and He shared it with ALL of them. He advised them according to what Jesus Christ himself taught him. Jesus IS with us now. He may not be PHYSICALLY here with us, but He is within the hearts of those who ask Him there, and can walk and talk with you just as He did with Paul and all of the disciples.

 

I, for one, don't claim to be protestant, Lutheran, Pentecostal, or anything in between… I am a CHRISTIAN. I'm a child of the KING! And I love each and every one of you. God has really dealt with my own heart on this subject tonight, and I pray that each and every one of you will get something out of it. If I've noticed nothing else by being actively involved with my church's youth recently… it's that these kids are not afraid to make their way to the altar and pour their hearts out to God, and SEEK HIM. During the song service, in the middle of a sermon, or at the altar call. They don't care… they just want to meet God where He can be found! Didn't Jesus tell us to be like the children (Matthew 18:3)? How about we stop arguing doctrine, and start reading the Word that He gave us, and follow the commands He gave us. Jesus repeatedly emphasized that the most important command He's given us is to LOVE one another. Over and over again we are reminded of the importance of LOVE. Now, go out and share His LOVE and stop worrying about who's right or wrong! Don't worry about how your friend might think of you if you burst out in tongues. Don't worry about what the stiffnecks in the church will think if you take off running and dancing in the Spirit! WORSHIP GOD in the way that is most comfortable to you, in the way that the Spirit leads you to. And if someone does burst out in tongues, or take off pew-hopping, and you don't think it's Biblical, don't judge them. Don't let Satan steal your joy because you're so busy judging them on how wrong they are. Get down off that pedestal you've put yourself on, and stop worrying! Let God worry about whether they're right or wrong, and you just worry about YOU! And I promise you that I've only come to this little "rant" through the Spirit working on ME! I want to be like those youth at my church, who just don't care! Who don't care what so and so thinks if they literally fall on their face and cry out to God right there in front of everyone!

So Much Has Changed

We have had no internet for the past few months, at least nothing reliable, and so I've been unable to keep things updated here. Hopefully that will change soon. With the world of Facebook, I tend to keep everyone updated there and neglect this.

Our world has been a myriad of changes this past year. We've had so much going on, so many things happening, and so many things changing. PJ finally, Praise the Lord, got a job in August (I think). He has been working out of town some, and he started school in August as well, going to school 4 nights a week and working 5+ days a week. I celebrated my 29th birthday in April, Nate turned 3 in May, JRay turned 10 in June, and PJ turned 39 in September. PJ and myself will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow, October 5th. It really feels like it has been a LOT longer than 4 years to me! But, that is the length of it. This is going to be a LONG post, so grab a glass of tea, a bag of chips, and get comfortable.

In late Spring, we started getting a summons to court over child support for Anna. We had offered her mother some form of payment to try to re-establish a relationship with Anna in July/August of 2009, and she refused money and said instead for PJ to use that money to see a counselor of her choosing. She wanted him to have 6 visits, and then she would meet with the counselor and see if he felt PJ should be allowed back in Anna's life. So, PJ humbled himself, although it wasn't entirely fair or honest, because it wasn't by his fault alone that he hadn't had contact with Anna, but her mother has never been able to swallow her pride, humble herself, admit her own sins, and be fair. Anyway.... he had his last visit somewhere around January-February of 2010, and we didn't hear anything until May or June, when Anna's step-dad contacted the counselor wanting to meet with both PJ and myself. We had a feeling what was coming, and did a LOT of praying and seeking God in the week leading up to the meeting. At the meeting, the stepdad was very hateful and disrespectful, and actually had the nerve to curse me immediately following a statement that they had been praying about the situation. (My dad later told me I should have asked him if that was the same mouth he talked to God with). Anyway, our fears were realized when they asked PJ to sign over his rights to Anna so that the stepdad could adopt her. They had the counselor (who is supposed to be a Christian counselor, but I had to ask him to open the session with prayer) give his input that he felt Anna's life had stabilized over the past 2 years or so since PJ had been out of the picture, and she would be better off if he stayed out of the picture. It was VERY difficult for PJ to hear. Now, believe me when I tell you that PJ knows he made many mistakes in his life, especially concerning Anna, until this past year when he TRULY gave his heart to Christ. BUT, the ex-wife and her husband share a lot more of the blame in this situation than they're willing to confess to. Anyway... we left there so heartbroken and torn. Our initial reaction (inwardly) was that there was NO WAY we would give up on Anna. But, we simply told them we needed to pray and seek God on this matter, and we would get back to them. We did just that. We prayed, fasted, and sought Godly counsel from multiple trusted sources. In the end, PJ felt that God wanted him to let her go for now, and to trust Him to bring her back to Him when it honors Him. I told him that I stood beside him in whatever decision he made, but will admit that I was very apprehensive inwardly about the decision. I prayed for days, asking the Lord to give me peace over the decision if this was truly His will... and, well, He did. So, the day before they were due in court for the child support issue, where PJ was facing jail time for nonpayment (you have to remember, we weren't being allowed to see Anna or even talk to her by her mother, so he refused to pay the child support), they met at her attorney's office and signed the papers. So, now, by all LEGAL means, PJ is no longer Anna's father. But we know that God has a much greater plan, and that no matter what papers say, she is still his child, and they will be reunited one day. It's heartbreaking for me, though, because Nate has never met her. Now BOTH of my children have sisters that aren't allowed to be in their lives.

A week after that, we went to church camp as counselors. THIS is where PJ found God, I mean REALLY found the Holy Spirit's annointing, for the first time. This is also where I got a fresh annointing, and where my precious JRay found the Spirit of the Living God! It was an amazing week that we enjoyed so much! We came home and Satan immediately attacked us with papers in the mail stating that we were in default on our mobile home payments, and had 10 days to pay the entire balance or lose the home. We had been living on unemployment for 2 years nearly, and there was a lull in benefits right after Easter that put us behind, and we were never able to catch it back up. So, here we are, high on the Spirit of God, and being faced with homelessness. But, we kept trusting God, and started seeking a place to live. This was a blessing in disguise for us, because this mobile home was literally falling apart, and had mold growing in the ceiling, and was making us sick! But, the home was still in my ex husband's name, so I kept up the payments for 10 years so as not to ruin his credit. Anyway, after 2 months of searching and being rejected for multiple apartments because of our credit situation, we finally signed a lease on a house in SE Decatur on September 18. PJ had to go out of town the 20th-26th for work, so my Daddy and a few guys from church helped me and the boys get most everything moved starting that Monday. It was a long, exhausting, and PAINFUL process! We were just starting to get unpacked when....

PJ's job had been going slow for the past week. They were sending people home because of lack of work, and it was ONLY because of the long hours he put in while out of town that we will have a full paycheck this week. On Thursday, PJ came home at lunch, and then received a text saying that there was a mandatory meeting that afternoon. Fear hit us in the face, and we were CERTAIN that layoffs were coming. PJ went to the meeting, and called me about 25 minutes later and told me to take a deep breath. He said there were no layoffs, but asked me if I was ready to move to Florida. Keep in mind, I am STILL unpacking after 2 weeks of moving. So, I said that I guess I have to be! Anyway, they have contracts that are going to be opening up here, but it could be a few weeks, but they have a lot of work opening up in Florida, and need volunteers to move down there. So, we're volunteering to go, in hopes of having a little more job security than we would staying here where there are more employees with seniority over him. We have not received any official confirmation yet, so it's not FOR SURE that we're moving to Florida, but it is looking very likely. So please, continue to pray for us in this situation! We want only to be in God's will, and to follow the path He has set for us. We just want to be sure that we're following HIS path, and not our own.

Other little tidbits/updates: we are down to 1 car out of 3 again... but Praise the Lord that one is still running, because the rear seal is going out in it and some precious friends of ours tried unsuccessfully to replace it! Homeschooling is going, albeit off to a rough start this year because of all of the moving and uncertainty. But, we still love it, and look forward to finally settling down somewhere so that we can really get into the swing of it. Nate is just constantly changing and growing in so many ways. He's quite the little talker now, and very much a daredevil. He has a black eye right now, and we have NO IDEA how he got it! JRay is becoming such an amazing young man that I am SO PROUD to call my son. God is all over this boy, and I know now, more than ever, (and I've known it since he was very small) that God has GREAT plans for him. He is still the most compassionate, unselfish, and all around amazing person. He blesses me daily with his servant's heart, and does his chores so diligently! PJ gave up on school for the time being because of all of the craziness of our lives. There is just SO MUCH going on, and so much uncertainty, that it was overwhelming us both. We prayed about it, and felt that God wanted him to put his time and efforts into work instead of school. Oh, and I won tickets from the local radio station to go hear Chris Tomlin in concert on Saturday night! We are so stoked over it, and are using this as a time to celebrate our anniversary :)

So, please, if I have not kept in touch with you, please understand it is not because I do not love you! I have had SO MUCH going on, and have been so overwhelmed with all of the changes, that the past few months are honestly a BLUR to me! What I have just relayed to you is just the Cliff Notes version of what has happened! There is so much more that I didn't mention, just the key points! We covet your prayers always, and we lift many of you up in our prayers daily! We are hoping and praying for a REVIVAL in the hearts of ALL Christians, so that we can turn this country back to Christ! We know that He has done a work in our hearts over the past months, and we are so much closer to Him than either of us has ever been. We aren't perfect, we still fail Him from time to time, but those failures are coming much less often these days, and that is ALL HIM, not us!

I will try to do a better job of keeping everyone up to date here, but, as my history reveals, I rarely follow through on that! Sorry!

Dear Momma,

I just want to write you to and tell you how very much I miss you. Mother's Day is not the same without you. This week begins the anniversary of the last week of your life. This time 2 years ago, I was settling in after enjoying being smothered with love by my boys. There's nothing different in that sense this year. My boys made me a cake and cupcakes (I soooo wish I could show you the pictures and video of that!), and JRay, being the charming little sweetheart that he is, smothered me in hugs and kisses all day. I wanted to sit in your usual spot at church today, but it was taken when we got into the sanctuary. Multiple times throughout the service I thought of you. I thought of how much I wish I could look to my left to that spot, and you would suddenly be there, and this nightmare would be over. But.... you weren't, and it isn't.

But, I realize now that while my heart aches so very much to see you and talk to you again... 2 years is long enough to wallow in self pity. While my pain is still VERY real... my desire is to no longer sit around grieving by moping. I want to grieve by celebrating YOU. That's what Mother's Day is all about, right? You were such an amazing woman. Your mark on this world was quiet, but huge. We learned this morning of the mother who provided her last bit of meal and oil for Elijah. She had a young son, and was a widow, but God told her not to fear, and she put Him first. Her "trademark" was one of faith. Yours was that of selflessness, compassion, and LOVE. You loved everyone. There was no one who ever met you that could say they didn't love you. Even your mother-in-law, that you argued with over many things for most of your life, testified to your amazing capacity to love in her final days. What a testimony that is! You ALWAYS put your own needs aside to minister to others in whatever way God was laying on your heart at the time. You dipped into your tight budget to buy groceries for those in need, and I was included in that more than once, as were both of my brothers. You dropped everything at the drop of a hat to go be by the side of someone whose loved one laid sick and even dying in the hospital. Your funeral was full of stories from people I barely knew that attested to this. You put your world on hold to sit in the waiting room when I laid in ICU with my diabetes, and my own husband wasn't there. You spent hours upon hours when my 4 month old infant was in the hospital with pneumonia, just sitting and keeping me company, and holding him so that I could shower, eat, and stretch. You spent many a day and night sitting in a crowded little hospital room, eating disgusting hospital food, neglecting your own health needs when I was a pre-teen in and out of the hospital. You took food to those who were sick and hurting. You called those you know who were down and out. I could go on and on and on with the praises I could sing of your compassion and willingness to put EVERYTHING in your own life on hold to minister to and love others. And you did it all out of a PURE LOVE that comes only from God. You didn't do it for fame. Most people never even knew the things you did for others, because you did them quietly, and behind the scenes.

My prayer, and my goal, is to be HALF the mother, and WOMAN OF GOD that you were. Your love lives on in me, and I want to do it right. Please ask God to give you a hug and kiss from me, and each of my sweet children. JRay misses you very much, and talks of you often. Nate, while he only knew you for just under a year, will never cease to be told stories of you. And I know that he WILL know you one day!

I love you, Momma. Always have, and always will. The values and gift of love and compassion that have passed on to me are treasures that I value above all things. You truly are valued

Proverbs 31 (KJV):

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

You truly were a Proverbs 31 woman, Momma. The best part of it was that you didn't know it. You were so humble and meek.

Love,
Your rotten, no good, spoiled, but heartbroken and PROUD daughter Brooke

What is REALLY important?

The hubby and I watched "Angels and Demons" late last night. I realize this is a controversial film among the "Christian" community, but it got my thought processes going and sparked a very interesting conversation that lasted most of the night in the form of pillow talk for us.

I got to thinking about the differences in beliefs among different denominations of "Christians". I mean, I may not AGREE with all of the core beliefs of Catholicism, but does that mean that Catholics aren't Christians? Are they going to hell because they don't interpret the Bible the way I do? Are Baptists going to Hell because they don't believe you can "lose" your salvation? Are Methodists going to Hell because they believe you CAN lose your salvation? Are Mormons going to Hell because of what they believe? These are things you'll have to answer for yourself. I'm not interjecting any of my opinions into those topics. Seriously... is all of this really IMPORTANT?

Here's where I'm going with this though. What is that God expects of us? Does He expect us to really sit and hash out these differences of opinion amongst one another? I personally LOATHE religion. And, to be perfectly honest, Christianity IS a religion. It's no different than Catholicism, Mormonism, etc in that sense. It is guided by a set of Divinely inspired but man enforced rules and guidelines. In lieu of being called a "Christian", I think I prefer to simply be called a child of God.

Why did God create us? What was His motivation behind suddenly, after how many gazillion bazillion years, did He decide that He wanted to create this planet, and these people? I like to think that maybe, just maybe, He might have been lonely? I mean, yes, He had the hosts of angels, and the Son and Holy Spirit... but how long is talking to yourself fun? LOL! (God also has a sense of humor, ok! Look around you!) I like to think that He longed for companionship outside of His immediate surroundings. He *IS* a relational God. How did He know that when He created man, that man needed companionship? If He had never known that loneliness, then how did He know man would experience it? He DID create us after His own image! So... now that I've worked through that train of thought for you... on to my main point...

What is it that God REALLY wants from us? Does He want us to debate on and spend so much time trying to come up with and argue "doctrine"? Or does He simply want us to: 1. Acknowledge that He is God, the ALMIGHTY creator of Heaven and Earth.
2. Understand that He exists Omnipotently as 3 parts: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. The Father, who created us, and loves us unconditionally. God the Son, who took on flesh, and came to earth, and died a horrible, painful death to pay the price for our sins, take the keys of hell, and make a way for us to go to Heaven through His sacrifice. And, God the Holy Spirit, who lives within us, convicting us, guiding us, and urging us onward in the way of the Cross.
3. Understand that the ONLY way to Heaven is through the acceptance of Christ's sacrifice. To acknowledge that we are sinners, and no one enters the gates of Heaven without repenting their sins and accepting His gift of salvation. Works do not save you, but accepting Christ does.
4. That while works do not save you, if you have accepted Christ as your personal savior, then you will want to live a pure and Holy life that would make your "Daddy" proud :)

But, most importantly... I believe with all my heart, that while all of these things are critical to being a blood bought child of God... above all else, He wants us to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. He wants us to fall in love with Him. He wants us to forsake ourselves, give Him all of who we are, and LOVE HIM like He loves us! If we follow that firstly, then all the rest will just follow. He knows our heart. He knows our emotions. He knows our trials. What He wants is for us to love Him enough to trust Him with those things. And to share His love with those we come in contact with. There is no better witness to the unsaved than to simply show them the love of God. If you truly are in a close, loving relationship with your "Daddy", then His love will shine through you onto those you come into contact with, and they WILL notice. We "Christians" just spend too much time worrying about all of the little silly things, and not enough time with our Daddy, taking in all that He has for us. To spend time seeking His guidance through the reading of His word (I'm SUPER guilty of not doing this!), to spend time on our face in absolute awe and adoration of His mighty power and love, and to spend time just talking to Him. Getting to know Him :) Crawl up in His lap and sit a while :) You won't be disappointed!

This entire process was encouraged on by a song by Jason Gray called "More Like Falling In Love". Below are the lyrics to this song. I encourage purchasing his album :) I absolutely LOVE every single song on this album!

"More Like Falling In Love"
Artist: Jason Gray

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

CHORUS

...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

CHORUS

By: Jason Gray and Jason Ingram

What's on YOUR Walls?

So, once again I find myself with a two year old in the house. I remember JRay as a two year old. The WHITE quilt I sleep with still bears the marks of his toddlerhood, from the time he got hold of some colored Sharpies. This is my grandmother's quilt, so I have been broken-hearted for years over him "ruining" it. Nate LOVES to draw. He's quite the little artist. Both of my boys seem to have inherited their Mommy's creativity. So, of course, along with this comes crayon art on my white walls. When JRay was a toddler, I freaked out and cleaned them off with the ever famous Magic Eraser. But with Nate, it hasn't bothered me so much. Obviously, life has a lot to do with that. I learned the first time that it does no good to rush to wash them off the walls immediately, because then that just creates a clean canvas for them to start over ;)

But, tonight, as I was doing my business in the bathroom (yep-TMI, I know, deal with it!), I noticed the bathtub crayons sitting there begging to be used. I was bored, didn't take a book with me, and my Blackberry did me no good because Facebook wasn't moving. I picked up the orange one and wrote my name on the rim of the bathtub. Cool. I actually sat there and admired my decent attempt at handwriting for a moment. then I looked at the boring white light switch cover and though "Hmmmmmm... I could totally spruce that up". So, I drew a sun in the corner. Then I added some grass, colored in a beautiful blue sky, smudged in some clouds, and drew 2 flowers over the light switches. Not gallery quality, but I'm proud enough of it to leave it there :)

That got me to thinking. Why do we have to have clean white walls? What's wrong with 2 year old masterpieces? I mean, white walls are boring! Why do we stress so much over a few crayon marks (or if you live in my house, crayon, marker, pencil, and who knows what else)on an otherwise very uninteresting wall? I think I would much prefer to look at my children's artwork than nothing! After all, this is their expression of how they see the world, is it not? By golly, it might not look like a kitty cat to me, but if he says it's a kitty cat, who am I to say it's not?

I think maybe this is how God looks at our hearts. Do we really think he cares if our hearts are white and boring? They don't have to be white and boring to be pure. He loves everything about us. Those crayon marks are masterpieces to Him. After all, He DID create us. And while we are not perfect, I would bet He's pretty proud of His creation :) Looking at the crayon masterpieces on my walls only reminds me even more of God's beauty, because it's through the eyes of a child we see the world for what it really is. A gift from our Heavenly Father! Now, when I look at my beautiful dutch boy/girl white quilt with marker "stains"... I no longer see stains. I see a gift from my beautiful son that has lasted 7 years so far, and will be there forever to remind me of how much he loves me!

So-what's on YOUR walls?

Decisions

So, it has come to my attention that certain people in our lives aren't happy with our decision to homeschool JRay. I'm going to be blunt here... so put your big boy/girl pants/panties on, ok?

This is OUR decision. Just like it was our decision to get married, and it was our decision to have a baby. It has always been OUR decision. We've always dealt with the ridicule from certain people in our lives that we have never been able to "please" with our decisions. It seems that for some people, no matter what we do, you just don't approve. I'm sorry to be such a disappointment to you. But, I am very proud of my marriage, my children, and I know that I will be proud of my decision to homeschool. I want to educate my son in a Christian environment where I am in control of what he learns, and how he learns it. The school system is failing him DRASTICALLY. My very intelligent, "A" student is bringing home C's and D's in his best subjects. And then I get notes from the teacher saying that ALL of her "A" students are doing the same. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge the obvious. If ALL of your "A" students are doing poorly, it's quite obvious you're doing a poor job of teaching them. I am confident in my abilities to be a good teacher to my children. Just as I was confident in my abilities to be a good wife to my husband (the one who LOVES me and WANTED to marry me-even when my own family chose to make it clear they did not approve), to be a good mother to the children I chose to bear (even though my family was clear that they didn't think I should have more children because of things they knew very little of the truth about), and continue to be a good daughter and sister to those who continue to make it clear that I disappoint them. I love you all, but this is OUR decision. Not yours. You can choose to trust me, and support us, or you may continue to not trust me AGAIN, and allow me to prove you wrong AGAIN. It's up to you. I really hope that you'll choose to learn from your past mistakes of not trusting me and my ability to make the best decisions for my family.

Love Thy Neighbor?

God's really dealing with me on some things, so I thought I would click it away here and talk about it with my friends :) 1 John 4:7 says "Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God" (HCSB). So how far does love take us? Can we love someone, and even forgive them, without allowing them to be a part of our lives? If that someone has time and time again intentionally hurt us or wronged us, do we have to continue subjecting ourselves to such harshness in the name of love? Isn't it possible to love one another without liking one another?

James 4:6-"But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (HCSB). So if He resists those who are proud (which is a source of causing pain to others), shouldn't we be allowed to? Can we not love them while avoiding them? I know we should trust in God, and His magnificent grace, to overcome the pain that they cause, but should we continually be forced to expose ourselves to their hurtful words and ways? Especially when they are completely unapologetic of the pain they cause us, and basically refuse to accept that they have been hurtful to us?

So, tell me what you think? I mean, don't give me "Christ suffered for you" or "His grace is sufficient". I want to know what the Bible says about taking ourselves out of hurtful situations. Choosing not to have someone in your life doesn't mean you don't love them. Maybe it does mean you don't forgive them, but when you forgive them time and time again for the same thing, do you have to continue subjecting yourself to the pain? ESPECIALLY when those people are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ?

Is Santa Coming to Town?

There have been a lot of discussions lately revolving around whether it is right or wrong to "play Santa" as a Christian. While I am NOT going to jump into whether it is or is not, I am going to share with you what I have been considering, and the decision PJ and I have come to on this subject.

Who is Santa? Santa Claus is a fictional character. There's nothing wrong with fiction. It encourages our children's imaginations, and builds their creative skills, which are very useful later in life :)I know what you're saying, "Santa Claus was real". Ok, no, he wasn't. However, Saint Nicholas was real. He was a great man who did wonderful things for the people of his village. He is a great example of Christian love to our children. So, what should you do? Only you can decide that.

We have decided that we will not play Santa in our home with Nate. It was done with JRay, and he figured out the truth on his own, and was not hurt that we "lied" to him, or anything of the sort. So, again, I'm not saying it's wrong to play Santa. What we have prayed over, and decided to do, is to let Nate play along in all of the Santa fun, but teach him that Santa is just a man in a suit, and the "actual" Santa Claus is not real. We will teach him the story of Saint Nicholas, and explain to him how God can use people to help others and change the lives of others, but it is ultimately God who is in control. On Christmas morning, we will have a birthday party to celebrate Jesus's birthday. And, we will have a cake, and ice cream maybe, and we will allow the children to open a couple of gifts from us and one another. And, while they're doing this, we will teach them about God's gift to us through Jesus. How Jesus was our gift from God, and about the gift Jesus would later give us in eternal life.

Now, from that, we move onto the Christmas tree. So many people say I am a hypocrite if I want to exclude Santa, and still have a tree. After all, it's "Pagan". Yes, the Christmas tree has Pagan origins, BUT, that was in celebration of Winter Solstice. We're not celebrating Winter Solstice. We are celebrating Christmas. To me, the Christmas tree symbolizes the gift of eternal life Christ gives us. The evergreen tree lives all year, and never dies (unless you cut it down, and even then, its stump will regenerate a NEW tree). What better example of Jesus Christ?! When all other trees die in winter, the evergreen stands tall and strong, and is still there as green as it was come Spring! Decorating this tree symbolizes the beauty that Christ brings to our lives! The lights that shine bright symbolize Christ's love, that we should be carrying to a dark and dying world! At Christmas time, as symbol of this, I leave my Christmas lights on 24/7. I do not turn them off when we go to bed. When I wake up during the night, I see the glow coming from the living room, and am immediately reminded of God's everlasting love, that never dims or goes away! How beautiful an image is that?!

So, anyway... this isn't a "holier than thou, if you don't do it my way you're a sinner" post. It's sharing with you how we came to the decisions of celebrating Christmas the way we do. I feel that in this dying world, Christians are constantly under attack. Christmas is no longer Christmas... It's "Holidays" and "X-Mas", essentially removing Christ from the spirit of the holiday, and turning it into a commercial circus to emphasize buying one another's love. Jesus already paid that price. All we need to do is accept it! So I feel that it is more important to emphasize the gift that God gave us in His son, and concentrating on keeping the CHRIST in Christmas. And while I do not believe that it is wrong to play Santa, I feel that it is just more important for my family, per my own convictions (well, mine and PJ's), to concentrate on remembering the REAL reason for this season, and teaching our children to stand on what is REAL, and to not give in to the world's attempts to remove Christ from the holiday all together :)

Where Will You Run?

By Your Side
by Tenth Avenue North


Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

2008 Essential Tunes / West Main Music / Formerly Music (SESAC)

This song says so much about our Heavenly Father's love for us. He WANTS to carry us. He WANTS to have a relationship with us. He wants you to accept His gift of salvation! His gift of LIFE! Won't you stop searching today, and accept His love? You won't regret it! I promise!

Joy and Peace, Strength and Hope...

Jesus What a Beautiful Name - Darlene Zschech

Grace that blows all fear away! Jesus, what a beautiful name :)

So I have disappeared from the blog spectrum, obviously. I've been periodically updating my photoblog, but have neglected my readers here. So much has gone on since my last post. I'll do a QUICK summation, then get on to my point of this post :)

PJ lost his job 2 days before they were supposed to hire him on. Yep. They did us that way. I've been dealing with severe depression. All of the normal health issues, we're broke, no money to pay our bills, no job in sight after TONS of applications filled out, among many many other "grievances" that I won't mention.

But ya know what? No storm is too big for my God :)

Tonight, I was sitting here, my heart so incredibly heavy, as usual fighting the depression that has crippled my soul for so long. For a year and a half, since my sweet Mommy went to her REAL home in Glory, I've allowed fear, anger, and depression to pull me into the depths of a place I hope to never find again. I found myself bitter, angry, tired, and just UNHAPPY. I've tried to "let go and let God"... but every time I've tried it, I've held onto just a small piece. I've wanted Him to carry me, but every time I tried, I kept gripping onto that leash that is sadness. I was afraid to trust Him again. I trusted Him so wholly before (or so I thought), and He allowed me to be hurt so deeply.

But tonight... as I was sitting here, thinking of the day that she went home... and again torturing myself with the memories of that horrible day... I posted a message on Facebook, and asked my friends and family to say a prayer for me. I was tired of fighting this battle alone. I WANTED to give it to Him, and let Him HAVE it. But I sat here a few minutes, and this voice whispered to me "Brooke... you keep asking others to pray for you to lean on Me, but you haven't asked me to carry you, to truly carry you". And it just hit me... wow, all this time I've been CLAIMING to give it to Him, but really, I wasn't. I was continuing to push Him away... to "handle this myself". (I've never denied I have quite a stubborn streak!). So in that moment of realization, I answered that voice "Take it. It's yours. Please, just take it, I don't want this burden anymore, take it all". And I LET GO OF IT. COMPLETELY. And, in that same moment, I could breathe again. This ginormous weight lifted OUT of my chest, and I CAN BREATHE. I can finally REST in the arms of the ALMIGHTY. I have a joy, and peace, and strength, and HOPE... and He gives me GRACE that blows ALL fears away. Jesus.... it really is a beautiful name :)

Update from the Depths

I realize it has been quite some time since I posted. Every time I say I'm going to do better, but I never do. With the emergence of Facebook, I find myself using it to keep everyone abreast of the kids, PJ, and myself. But, I do realize not all of you are on Facebook, so, again, I will make the promise to TRY to do better! It has been a rather slow summer. We've had a few events here and there, but nothing major happen. July 3rd, PJ and I went on our first date in 9 months, so that was nice We went out with PJ's brother Tim and his wife Briana. We had a great time. After dinner we went to see Transformers "Prive" style at the Monaco. That was nice, albet a bit frustrating because of our noisy and annoying neighbors (LONG story), but I definitely can't wait to use the free passes we aquired as a result to see Harry Potter :) Then we spent the night with my precious In-Laws, and then went with them to their church picnic on the 4th. We came back to their house and hung out for a while until Bridge Street's fireworks that evening. I posted pictures on my Photolog. Then last week JRay had golf camp, which went very well. He is doing well at his new sport, and enjoying it greatly! Now if we could just get the grass cut so he can practice! (we still don't have a lawnmower! My brother offered to let us use his push mower, but there's just no way that PJ can come home after working 10 hours in this extreme heat and push mow nearly an acre! That's just wrong! Especially with his blood pressure!, and I CAN'T do it. If I could I'd strap Nate on my back and have at it!).

PJ is hard at work with his new job, hoping to get hired on full time soon, as we REALLY need the insurance. My neuropathy and gastroparesis have been acting up quite a bit. And to be honest, I LOATHE the free clinic. I hate to risk sounding ungrateful for free medical care. It's good to know that I can finally get the meds I need to stay alive, but it's really a situation of I'd rather die sometimes than to have to step foot in that place. It's horrible there. They treat you like a 2nd class, no, 3rd class citizen because you can't afford to pay for the meds you need to stay alive for a disease you didn't ask for and didn't do anything to cause it's occurrence. It's the hand we've been dealt, along with millions of other Americans at this point in time. We are hard working people who don't ask for handouts, just hands up to get back on our feet. PJ is busting his rear, coming in every day with his feet and knees killing him, to prove his worth at this new job. Thing is, he never stops working like that, even after his worth has been proven. Ok-sorry. I'm going off on a tangent now!

PJ is doing as well as to be expected. As stated above, his feet and knees are really starting to hurt with this new job. His knees have arthritis in them from those years of jumping out of airplanes for Uncle Sam. His blood pressure is out of control, and the Free Clinic won't touch him because he's a veteran, but he can't get down to the VA office to apply for benefits because of work, and it's an ALL DAY AFFAIR. He has tried twice already when he was unemployed, only to be turned away at the end of the day because they didn't have time to get to him. Wow, such respect for our Veterans in this country! So please, keep him in your prayers. I worry every day that he leaves for work that I"ll receive a phone call that he's had a stroke or heart attack! I almost lost him once, the same day I lost Momma. I can't go through that again!

The boys are great. JRay is enjoying summer vacation, but I think he's getting ready for school to start back. It's been so hot the boys mostly play indoors, which is fun to watch, but can get loud at times and have me begging God for mercy (and naps!). It's a beautiful site though, and I wouldn't trade it! I love that my boys get along so well! They are so in love with one another! It's beautiful!

JRay is getting into golf. He's doing rather well. His dad had been teaching him some, then he went to camp at Quail Creek Golf Resort. It was totally Christian based, and we LOVED it. Thursday night we had family night, and got to see him show off his new skills :) I do believe we have the next Master's champ on our hands ;o) I'll post pictures on my Photolog when I get done with this post. He has been unmedicated for most of the summer, and seems to be handling it VERY well actually. I may talk to the doctor at this end of this month about doing a trial without it at school, and see if it's possible to come off it. We've tried once before, but undoubtedly had to go back on it. I hate having him medicated :( He is such a joy to my life :) Always available with sweet hug and word of encouragement. God has big plans for this boy. He has reassured me of this since JRay was very young.

Nate is growing like a week, talking like a news anchor, and getting into EVERYTHING! Quite the busy toddler he is, and without a doubt a very strong willed child! It was bound to happen with PJ and myself creating offspring! LOL He is such a joy, though. Always available for a laugh, or a hug and kiss. And He has begun saying "Love You", which always melts my heart :) He wants to do EVERYTHING his Bubby is doing! The first thing he does when I let him out of his room in the morning is head to Bubby's room and scream "BUBBY!!!!". Then of course he climbs on Bubby's bed and jumps on him :) Ahhhh, brotherly love! It's amazing how much he has changed and grown in 2 short years! And I know the next 16 will fly by as well!

Momma has been gone for 1 year and 2 months today. It's so hard to believe so much time has gone by already. I can still smell her, and hear her sweet voice. I miss her so much, but as promised by many, time has begun the healing. I know I doubted that would happen, but I can say the healing has begun. It still hurts, and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about her, and I still think about her ALL the time. But mostly now I get a smile when I think about and talk about her. I can remember the beautiful memories with a smile and a tear, and I can remember the "bad" ones with a chuckle and a smile and a tear. I know that Heaven is so much richer to have her, but life on earth seems so empty without her. I see so many of her tendencies in Nate the older he gets. He is a lefty like his Nana (none of the other kids or grandkids inherited this) and that just makes me smile. Go figure the one who will never know or remember her gets that one odd trait. Every time I watch him eat or write/color, I just think of her and smile :) He has her stubborn will (which of course came through me ROFL), and I often catch him looking at her picture on the wall as if he knows her. JRay brings her up occasionally, and I can tell he misses her too.

All in all, life is well here. A few bumps in the road, but nothing to derail us. Keep us in your prayers, as we keep all of you in ours. Love you all!