What's on YOUR Walls?

So, once again I find myself with a two year old in the house. I remember JRay as a two year old. The WHITE quilt I sleep with still bears the marks of his toddlerhood, from the time he got hold of some colored Sharpies. This is my grandmother's quilt, so I have been broken-hearted for years over him "ruining" it. Nate LOVES to draw. He's quite the little artist. Both of my boys seem to have inherited their Mommy's creativity. So, of course, along with this comes crayon art on my white walls. When JRay was a toddler, I freaked out and cleaned them off with the ever famous Magic Eraser. But with Nate, it hasn't bothered me so much. Obviously, life has a lot to do with that. I learned the first time that it does no good to rush to wash them off the walls immediately, because then that just creates a clean canvas for them to start over ;)

But, tonight, as I was doing my business in the bathroom (yep-TMI, I know, deal with it!), I noticed the bathtub crayons sitting there begging to be used. I was bored, didn't take a book with me, and my Blackberry did me no good because Facebook wasn't moving. I picked up the orange one and wrote my name on the rim of the bathtub. Cool. I actually sat there and admired my decent attempt at handwriting for a moment. then I looked at the boring white light switch cover and though "Hmmmmmm... I could totally spruce that up". So, I drew a sun in the corner. Then I added some grass, colored in a beautiful blue sky, smudged in some clouds, and drew 2 flowers over the light switches. Not gallery quality, but I'm proud enough of it to leave it there :)

That got me to thinking. Why do we have to have clean white walls? What's wrong with 2 year old masterpieces? I mean, white walls are boring! Why do we stress so much over a few crayon marks (or if you live in my house, crayon, marker, pencil, and who knows what else)on an otherwise very uninteresting wall? I think I would much prefer to look at my children's artwork than nothing! After all, this is their expression of how they see the world, is it not? By golly, it might not look like a kitty cat to me, but if he says it's a kitty cat, who am I to say it's not?

I think maybe this is how God looks at our hearts. Do we really think he cares if our hearts are white and boring? They don't have to be white and boring to be pure. He loves everything about us. Those crayon marks are masterpieces to Him. After all, He DID create us. And while we are not perfect, I would bet He's pretty proud of His creation :) Looking at the crayon masterpieces on my walls only reminds me even more of God's beauty, because it's through the eyes of a child we see the world for what it really is. A gift from our Heavenly Father! Now, when I look at my beautiful dutch boy/girl white quilt with marker "stains"... I no longer see stains. I see a gift from my beautiful son that has lasted 7 years so far, and will be there forever to remind me of how much he loves me!

So-what's on YOUR walls?

Decisions

So, it has come to my attention that certain people in our lives aren't happy with our decision to homeschool JRay. I'm going to be blunt here... so put your big boy/girl pants/panties on, ok?

This is OUR decision. Just like it was our decision to get married, and it was our decision to have a baby. It has always been OUR decision. We've always dealt with the ridicule from certain people in our lives that we have never been able to "please" with our decisions. It seems that for some people, no matter what we do, you just don't approve. I'm sorry to be such a disappointment to you. But, I am very proud of my marriage, my children, and I know that I will be proud of my decision to homeschool. I want to educate my son in a Christian environment where I am in control of what he learns, and how he learns it. The school system is failing him DRASTICALLY. My very intelligent, "A" student is bringing home C's and D's in his best subjects. And then I get notes from the teacher saying that ALL of her "A" students are doing the same. Yet, she refuses to acknowledge the obvious. If ALL of your "A" students are doing poorly, it's quite obvious you're doing a poor job of teaching them. I am confident in my abilities to be a good teacher to my children. Just as I was confident in my abilities to be a good wife to my husband (the one who LOVES me and WANTED to marry me-even when my own family chose to make it clear they did not approve), to be a good mother to the children I chose to bear (even though my family was clear that they didn't think I should have more children because of things they knew very little of the truth about), and continue to be a good daughter and sister to those who continue to make it clear that I disappoint them. I love you all, but this is OUR decision. Not yours. You can choose to trust me, and support us, or you may continue to not trust me AGAIN, and allow me to prove you wrong AGAIN. It's up to you. I really hope that you'll choose to learn from your past mistakes of not trusting me and my ability to make the best decisions for my family.

Love Thy Neighbor?

God's really dealing with me on some things, so I thought I would click it away here and talk about it with my friends :) 1 John 4:7 says "Dear friends, let us love one another, because love is from God, and everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God" (HCSB). So how far does love take us? Can we love someone, and even forgive them, without allowing them to be a part of our lives? If that someone has time and time again intentionally hurt us or wronged us, do we have to continue subjecting ourselves to such harshness in the name of love? Isn't it possible to love one another without liking one another?

James 4:6-"But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says: God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (HCSB). So if He resists those who are proud (which is a source of causing pain to others), shouldn't we be allowed to? Can we not love them while avoiding them? I know we should trust in God, and His magnificent grace, to overcome the pain that they cause, but should we continually be forced to expose ourselves to their hurtful words and ways? Especially when they are completely unapologetic of the pain they cause us, and basically refuse to accept that they have been hurtful to us?

So, tell me what you think? I mean, don't give me "Christ suffered for you" or "His grace is sufficient". I want to know what the Bible says about taking ourselves out of hurtful situations. Choosing not to have someone in your life doesn't mean you don't love them. Maybe it does mean you don't forgive them, but when you forgive them time and time again for the same thing, do you have to continue subjecting yourself to the pain? ESPECIALLY when those people are supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ?

Is Santa Coming to Town?

There have been a lot of discussions lately revolving around whether it is right or wrong to "play Santa" as a Christian. While I am NOT going to jump into whether it is or is not, I am going to share with you what I have been considering, and the decision PJ and I have come to on this subject.

Who is Santa? Santa Claus is a fictional character. There's nothing wrong with fiction. It encourages our children's imaginations, and builds their creative skills, which are very useful later in life :)I know what you're saying, "Santa Claus was real". Ok, no, he wasn't. However, Saint Nicholas was real. He was a great man who did wonderful things for the people of his village. He is a great example of Christian love to our children. So, what should you do? Only you can decide that.

We have decided that we will not play Santa in our home with Nate. It was done with JRay, and he figured out the truth on his own, and was not hurt that we "lied" to him, or anything of the sort. So, again, I'm not saying it's wrong to play Santa. What we have prayed over, and decided to do, is to let Nate play along in all of the Santa fun, but teach him that Santa is just a man in a suit, and the "actual" Santa Claus is not real. We will teach him the story of Saint Nicholas, and explain to him how God can use people to help others and change the lives of others, but it is ultimately God who is in control. On Christmas morning, we will have a birthday party to celebrate Jesus's birthday. And, we will have a cake, and ice cream maybe, and we will allow the children to open a couple of gifts from us and one another. And, while they're doing this, we will teach them about God's gift to us through Jesus. How Jesus was our gift from God, and about the gift Jesus would later give us in eternal life.

Now, from that, we move onto the Christmas tree. So many people say I am a hypocrite if I want to exclude Santa, and still have a tree. After all, it's "Pagan". Yes, the Christmas tree has Pagan origins, BUT, that was in celebration of Winter Solstice. We're not celebrating Winter Solstice. We are celebrating Christmas. To me, the Christmas tree symbolizes the gift of eternal life Christ gives us. The evergreen tree lives all year, and never dies (unless you cut it down, and even then, its stump will regenerate a NEW tree). What better example of Jesus Christ?! When all other trees die in winter, the evergreen stands tall and strong, and is still there as green as it was come Spring! Decorating this tree symbolizes the beauty that Christ brings to our lives! The lights that shine bright symbolize Christ's love, that we should be carrying to a dark and dying world! At Christmas time, as symbol of this, I leave my Christmas lights on 24/7. I do not turn them off when we go to bed. When I wake up during the night, I see the glow coming from the living room, and am immediately reminded of God's everlasting love, that never dims or goes away! How beautiful an image is that?!

So, anyway... this isn't a "holier than thou, if you don't do it my way you're a sinner" post. It's sharing with you how we came to the decisions of celebrating Christmas the way we do. I feel that in this dying world, Christians are constantly under attack. Christmas is no longer Christmas... It's "Holidays" and "X-Mas", essentially removing Christ from the spirit of the holiday, and turning it into a commercial circus to emphasize buying one another's love. Jesus already paid that price. All we need to do is accept it! So I feel that it is more important to emphasize the gift that God gave us in His son, and concentrating on keeping the CHRIST in Christmas. And while I do not believe that it is wrong to play Santa, I feel that it is just more important for my family, per my own convictions (well, mine and PJ's), to concentrate on remembering the REAL reason for this season, and teaching our children to stand on what is REAL, and to not give in to the world's attempts to remove Christ from the holiday all together :)

Where Will You Run?

By Your Side
by Tenth Avenue North


Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go

2008 Essential Tunes / West Main Music / Formerly Music (SESAC)

This song says so much about our Heavenly Father's love for us. He WANTS to carry us. He WANTS to have a relationship with us. He wants you to accept His gift of salvation! His gift of LIFE! Won't you stop searching today, and accept His love? You won't regret it! I promise!

Joy and Peace, Strength and Hope...

Jesus What a Beautiful Name - Darlene Zschech

Grace that blows all fear away! Jesus, what a beautiful name :)

So I have disappeared from the blog spectrum, obviously. I've been periodically updating my photoblog, but have neglected my readers here. So much has gone on since my last post. I'll do a QUICK summation, then get on to my point of this post :)

PJ lost his job 2 days before they were supposed to hire him on. Yep. They did us that way. I've been dealing with severe depression. All of the normal health issues, we're broke, no money to pay our bills, no job in sight after TONS of applications filled out, among many many other "grievances" that I won't mention.

But ya know what? No storm is too big for my God :)

Tonight, I was sitting here, my heart so incredibly heavy, as usual fighting the depression that has crippled my soul for so long. For a year and a half, since my sweet Mommy went to her REAL home in Glory, I've allowed fear, anger, and depression to pull me into the depths of a place I hope to never find again. I found myself bitter, angry, tired, and just UNHAPPY. I've tried to "let go and let God"... but every time I've tried it, I've held onto just a small piece. I've wanted Him to carry me, but every time I tried, I kept gripping onto that leash that is sadness. I was afraid to trust Him again. I trusted Him so wholly before (or so I thought), and He allowed me to be hurt so deeply.

But tonight... as I was sitting here, thinking of the day that she went home... and again torturing myself with the memories of that horrible day... I posted a message on Facebook, and asked my friends and family to say a prayer for me. I was tired of fighting this battle alone. I WANTED to give it to Him, and let Him HAVE it. But I sat here a few minutes, and this voice whispered to me "Brooke... you keep asking others to pray for you to lean on Me, but you haven't asked me to carry you, to truly carry you". And it just hit me... wow, all this time I've been CLAIMING to give it to Him, but really, I wasn't. I was continuing to push Him away... to "handle this myself". (I've never denied I have quite a stubborn streak!). So in that moment of realization, I answered that voice "Take it. It's yours. Please, just take it, I don't want this burden anymore, take it all". And I LET GO OF IT. COMPLETELY. And, in that same moment, I could breathe again. This ginormous weight lifted OUT of my chest, and I CAN BREATHE. I can finally REST in the arms of the ALMIGHTY. I have a joy, and peace, and strength, and HOPE... and He gives me GRACE that blows ALL fears away. Jesus.... it really is a beautiful name :)

Update from the Depths

I realize it has been quite some time since I posted. Every time I say I'm going to do better, but I never do. With the emergence of Facebook, I find myself using it to keep everyone abreast of the kids, PJ, and myself. But, I do realize not all of you are on Facebook, so, again, I will make the promise to TRY to do better! It has been a rather slow summer. We've had a few events here and there, but nothing major happen. July 3rd, PJ and I went on our first date in 9 months, so that was nice We went out with PJ's brother Tim and his wife Briana. We had a great time. After dinner we went to see Transformers "Prive" style at the Monaco. That was nice, albet a bit frustrating because of our noisy and annoying neighbors (LONG story), but I definitely can't wait to use the free passes we aquired as a result to see Harry Potter :) Then we spent the night with my precious In-Laws, and then went with them to their church picnic on the 4th. We came back to their house and hung out for a while until Bridge Street's fireworks that evening. I posted pictures on my Photolog. Then last week JRay had golf camp, which went very well. He is doing well at his new sport, and enjoying it greatly! Now if we could just get the grass cut so he can practice! (we still don't have a lawnmower! My brother offered to let us use his push mower, but there's just no way that PJ can come home after working 10 hours in this extreme heat and push mow nearly an acre! That's just wrong! Especially with his blood pressure!, and I CAN'T do it. If I could I'd strap Nate on my back and have at it!).

PJ is hard at work with his new job, hoping to get hired on full time soon, as we REALLY need the insurance. My neuropathy and gastroparesis have been acting up quite a bit. And to be honest, I LOATHE the free clinic. I hate to risk sounding ungrateful for free medical care. It's good to know that I can finally get the meds I need to stay alive, but it's really a situation of I'd rather die sometimes than to have to step foot in that place. It's horrible there. They treat you like a 2nd class, no, 3rd class citizen because you can't afford to pay for the meds you need to stay alive for a disease you didn't ask for and didn't do anything to cause it's occurrence. It's the hand we've been dealt, along with millions of other Americans at this point in time. We are hard working people who don't ask for handouts, just hands up to get back on our feet. PJ is busting his rear, coming in every day with his feet and knees killing him, to prove his worth at this new job. Thing is, he never stops working like that, even after his worth has been proven. Ok-sorry. I'm going off on a tangent now!

PJ is doing as well as to be expected. As stated above, his feet and knees are really starting to hurt with this new job. His knees have arthritis in them from those years of jumping out of airplanes for Uncle Sam. His blood pressure is out of control, and the Free Clinic won't touch him because he's a veteran, but he can't get down to the VA office to apply for benefits because of work, and it's an ALL DAY AFFAIR. He has tried twice already when he was unemployed, only to be turned away at the end of the day because they didn't have time to get to him. Wow, such respect for our Veterans in this country! So please, keep him in your prayers. I worry every day that he leaves for work that I"ll receive a phone call that he's had a stroke or heart attack! I almost lost him once, the same day I lost Momma. I can't go through that again!

The boys are great. JRay is enjoying summer vacation, but I think he's getting ready for school to start back. It's been so hot the boys mostly play indoors, which is fun to watch, but can get loud at times and have me begging God for mercy (and naps!). It's a beautiful site though, and I wouldn't trade it! I love that my boys get along so well! They are so in love with one another! It's beautiful!

JRay is getting into golf. He's doing rather well. His dad had been teaching him some, then he went to camp at Quail Creek Golf Resort. It was totally Christian based, and we LOVED it. Thursday night we had family night, and got to see him show off his new skills :) I do believe we have the next Master's champ on our hands ;o) I'll post pictures on my Photolog when I get done with this post. He has been unmedicated for most of the summer, and seems to be handling it VERY well actually. I may talk to the doctor at this end of this month about doing a trial without it at school, and see if it's possible to come off it. We've tried once before, but undoubtedly had to go back on it. I hate having him medicated :( He is such a joy to my life :) Always available with sweet hug and word of encouragement. God has big plans for this boy. He has reassured me of this since JRay was very young.

Nate is growing like a week, talking like a news anchor, and getting into EVERYTHING! Quite the busy toddler he is, and without a doubt a very strong willed child! It was bound to happen with PJ and myself creating offspring! LOL He is such a joy, though. Always available for a laugh, or a hug and kiss. And He has begun saying "Love You", which always melts my heart :) He wants to do EVERYTHING his Bubby is doing! The first thing he does when I let him out of his room in the morning is head to Bubby's room and scream "BUBBY!!!!". Then of course he climbs on Bubby's bed and jumps on him :) Ahhhh, brotherly love! It's amazing how much he has changed and grown in 2 short years! And I know the next 16 will fly by as well!

Momma has been gone for 1 year and 2 months today. It's so hard to believe so much time has gone by already. I can still smell her, and hear her sweet voice. I miss her so much, but as promised by many, time has begun the healing. I know I doubted that would happen, but I can say the healing has begun. It still hurts, and I still get a lump in my throat when I think about her, and I still think about her ALL the time. But mostly now I get a smile when I think about and talk about her. I can remember the beautiful memories with a smile and a tear, and I can remember the "bad" ones with a chuckle and a smile and a tear. I know that Heaven is so much richer to have her, but life on earth seems so empty without her. I see so many of her tendencies in Nate the older he gets. He is a lefty like his Nana (none of the other kids or grandkids inherited this) and that just makes me smile. Go figure the one who will never know or remember her gets that one odd trait. Every time I watch him eat or write/color, I just think of her and smile :) He has her stubborn will (which of course came through me ROFL), and I often catch him looking at her picture on the wall as if he knows her. JRay brings her up occasionally, and I can tell he misses her too.

All in all, life is well here. A few bumps in the road, but nothing to derail us. Keep us in your prayers, as we keep all of you in ours. Love you all!