Getting Out My Trusty Feather Duster

It's been a LONG time since I really posted with any frequency here. I've tried to do something different here, or focus my efforts there. But, like this one, they all fizzled. Life gets crazy, distractions come my way, and I end up on a path that I never thought I would be on. But, I've been sitting here since my PJ left for work this morning at 5 am, searching, browsing, combing, and just reflecting. I have been struggling with depression for close to a year now. I"m not talking about grief. I still battle that, and suppose I always will. My Momma was and is very precious to me, and I miss her terribly. I'm talking about real, deep, dark, depression. To the extreme. And I realized, this morning, that one thing that I really MISS in my morning routine is writing. Just sharing my heart with anyone who cares enough to read it. Maybe I'm sharing too much about myself and my family on the internet. Maybe I just make myself look worse by the time I'm done. But, I'm really beyond the point of actually caring. My life is NOTHING like I envisioned it just 2 years ago. The past 2 years...no, the past FOUR years, have been a landslide of change and upheaval. I haven't adjusted very well. So now I'm left trying to figure out where exactly I missed the mark. When did I lose that closeness with God that I had just a year ago? I still love Him with all of my heart. I still seek Him every day. I am still in the Word every day. I'm still in prayer every day. But I no longer feel like He is WITH me. So, maybe we can trudge through this together? Maybe, just maybe, while I try to find my way back to His arms, you might find something that you're seeking as well?

Over the coming posts, I'm going to really dive into and cover depression. It's such a taboo topic within the church. Only the weak in faith suffer from depression, right? Those in a close, healthy relationship with our Savior couldn't possibly suffer from depression. I'm about to knock those, and many other myths about depression, out of the park.

Hold on tight. This ride might get a little rough.

New Blog

I hope everyone is doing well! I know I never update over here any more, and I'm so sorry! But I have begun a new blog, detailing the new Spiritual journey I am on. I will hopefully eventually get back to updating here on random thoughts, musings, and family updates, but for now, come follow me on my journey to becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman :)

My Journey to Proverbs 31

Immanuel

This morning, as my family slept, and all was quiet, I spent some amazing time alone with our Maker. It amazes me that in that quiet hour, I can be SO CLOSE to Him that I can feel His breath on my face. I can feel the warmth of His love in such a tangible way! It amazes me even more that He loves us enough to allow us to experience Him on such a personal level.

I was reading the status updates of my friends on Facebook when a church friend of mine for many years (most of my life) posted this: "When our lives look like a mess, we can remember why Jesus was called Immanuel.
"They will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" Matthew 1:23"

Wow. You know, that just goes right along with what I'm feeling. On this Christmas Eve, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Not in a stressful, shopping overload and too much candy making to be done sort of way. But, I'm overwhelmed with His love. I feel His presence so strongly in my life that I just find myself wanting to fall on my face and worship Him. What has me so completely overwhelmed emotionally and mentally is that, as Matthew 1:23 tells us, He is with us. Not only did He create us, but He joined us. He was born into a physical body to be with us. Immanuel-God with us! He loves us THAT MUCH! Can we even begin to fathom His AGAPE love? What is AGAPE love?

Webster's dictionary defines "agape" in 2 forms, first as a noun, and also as an adjective or adverb.





1aga·pe noun \ä-ˈgä-(ˌ)pā, ˈä-gə-ˌpā\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: love feast
2
: love 4a

2agape adj or adv \ə-ˈgāp also -ˈgap\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: wide open : gaping
2
: being in a state of wonder

Did you catch that? being in a state of wonder. That's pretty much how I feel ALL the time when I think of God's love for me! So, Immanuel means God is with us. I mean He is WITH US! And, that, my friends, leaves me in a state of wonder. He came, as a helpless baby. Not for himself. I mean, he's GOD. It served HIM no purpose to put Himself through the torture He endured here. He did it for US. To reconcile us to Him. Because He loves us THAT MUCH that He desires to have that face to face relationship with us.

My own husband doesn't love me THAT much.

And love feast. Isn't that really what His love is? I mean, He wants us to feast on His love. He wants us to CRAVE Him, like the desert craves the rain!

This Christmas Eve, let's remember what we're celebrating. Let's take time to stand in wonder of the Love Feast He's offering us, and the fact that over 2000 years ago, IMMANUEL came. God With Us. Let's not forget that He is with us, and include Him in His own celebration :)

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!

The Gift of LOVE

I've been pondering the Christmas Season a lot lately. I know why WE celebrate it, and it breaks my heart to see HOW it's celebrated by so many. Now, don't get me wrong, if our financial situation were better, there would be a few gifts under the tree for our children. I don't see harm in giving gifts during this time, but I do have to sit and ponder on how over the top we go on this gift-giving escapade.

This is CHRISTMAS. It irks my skin to get CHRISTmas cards that say "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays", etc. I do not care how the holiday originally began as "Winter Solstice" as a pagan celebration of winter. I'm not pagan. I'm CHRISTian.

And I'm also tired of hearing that it's all about family. No, it's not. Family is someone you should want to celebrate such a joyous event with, but that's not what it is about. What WE are celebrating is the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. His sacrifice did not begin on Crucifixion Friday! It began when He made the decision to leave His Heavenly throne, and come to earth, as a BABY. He didn't just transport down here as a royal king, or some other noble. He actually went through conception, growing in His mother's womb, birth, nursing at her breast, unable to walk, talk, or do ANYTHING for Himself. He went through the terrible two's! He went through puberty. He was completely FLESH. He suffered physical pain. He suffered grief. He suffered. He did it for US. I mean... how can we discount what our Lord and Savior sacrificed simply by choosing to be BORN as a HUMAN? His birth began a journey of the most unimaginable LOVE ever walked. NO ONE could ever show the enormous love for us that He showed by deciding to be born as a helpless babe. He knew what we were capable of, yet He chose to trust Himself into our care anyway!

What if Mary had been like some modern day mothers who suffer PPD and murder their children, or leave their children at the door of an emergency room? What if she hadn't been the virtuous woman that she was? What if Joseph hadn't believed the angels and had left Mary to shame? Who would have believed that the SAVIOR could be born of what they would have perceived as a harlot? Of course, God's plan is perfect, and none of this did happen, but what if it had? Have you ever just sat, and thought about the sacrifice He made. not starting in the Garden of Gethsemane, but starting when the Holy Spirit combined His seed with Mary's, and conceived the Christ child!?

So, instead of rushing out to buy the best, most expensive gifts for your loved ones, why not take a moment to share the PERFECT gift with them? Remind yourself, and then your family and friends, WHY we are celebrating. It's because of His AGAPE Love that we celebrate, and His sacrifice. Not because we want a new camera, or because little Johnny wants a new Playstation. It's because He came, as a humble BABY, and sacrificed it ALL so that we could be reconciled to Him, and spend eternity with Him. Have you accepted that perfect gift? If not, what's keeping you? Time is not guaranteed, and you may not have another chance. You'll never go back from God's love :) There is no greater gift :) I'd be happy to talk to you if you have questions about this gift. I can be reached at brooke@bythebrookephotography.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tearing Down the Walls

God's working. He's working in our youth, He's working in our kids, He's working in our churches, and He's working OUT of our churches. The only problem is that we're hindering His work by worrying too much about how it appears. We worry about how it will look if we eat some humble pie and fall on our faces in the altar. We're afraid of how it will look if we give the Spirit control of our bodies and speak in tongues. We're afraid of how it will look if we run around, jump up and down, and worship our Savior without inhibition. David played, sang and DANCED! Why are we afraid to dance for God? We're afraid to admit that maybe this "doctrine" does in fact hold a water just because we were brought up to believe it didn't. Why are we so afraid of what the world thinks of us? Why? Because it's not the world who judges us. We judge ourselves. If we see so and so over there raising their hand to worship, we miss our own blessing because we're too busy judging Miss so and so on what she did last week, thinking "Yeah… look at you raising your hand… you're doing it just to be seen." We're missing our own blessing in the Spirit because we're too caught up in what's "correct". I mean, we spend so much time and energy arguing and trying to disprove others' opinions that we lose complete focus on what we're here for. We're here to love. We're here to show the world God's love. We can TELL them about God's love until we're blue in the face… but until we SHOW them God's love, they're just not going to grasp it. I can tell my children all day that I love them… but if I don't SHOW them that I love them, they're not gonna believe me! We have GOT to stop judging one another! Who are YOU to judge someone else? How big is that plank in your own eye!? I had the realization tonight that someone I care about deeply is afraid to allow someone else I care about deeply into a prayer meeting, because he's afraid the other person won't like the way they do it, and will judge them. Why are we afraid to be who God made us with one another!? Why do we continue to judge one another: Lutheran, Protestant, Pentecostal…. Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ… come on folks!!!! WAKE UP! It is NOT about whether you agree on speaking on tongues, or on hopping pews, or on what music is ok to play and what's not ok to play! What it IS about is God's LOVE! That's what it ALL comes down to! HIS LOVE! He loves us SO MUCH, He sent His son… His own son, to die for us. To take our sins, and bear them on that cross… so that we can have a one on one relationship with Him! He wants to KNOW you! He wants YOU to know HIM! God's doing something big in our churches. He is. He's wanting to do something big in this WORLD. But until we stop arguing over silly things, and stop worrying about what others think about how we worship our Savior, then we're going to miss it. When we decide to stop arguing, and are in one mind, and one accord, and LOVE one another, as Christ loves us… we're going to miss the revival that's building! When Paul preached and wrote to each of the individual churches, he didn't change his "doctrine" for each individual church. There was ONE gospel, and He shared it with ALL of them. He advised them according to what Jesus Christ himself taught him. Jesus IS with us now. He may not be PHYSICALLY here with us, but He is within the hearts of those who ask Him there, and can walk and talk with you just as He did with Paul and all of the disciples.

 

I, for one, don't claim to be protestant, Lutheran, Pentecostal, or anything in between… I am a CHRISTIAN. I'm a child of the KING! And I love each and every one of you. God has really dealt with my own heart on this subject tonight, and I pray that each and every one of you will get something out of it. If I've noticed nothing else by being actively involved with my church's youth recently… it's that these kids are not afraid to make their way to the altar and pour their hearts out to God, and SEEK HIM. During the song service, in the middle of a sermon, or at the altar call. They don't care… they just want to meet God where He can be found! Didn't Jesus tell us to be like the children (Matthew 18:3)? How about we stop arguing doctrine, and start reading the Word that He gave us, and follow the commands He gave us. Jesus repeatedly emphasized that the most important command He's given us is to LOVE one another. Over and over again we are reminded of the importance of LOVE. Now, go out and share His LOVE and stop worrying about who's right or wrong! Don't worry about how your friend might think of you if you burst out in tongues. Don't worry about what the stiffnecks in the church will think if you take off running and dancing in the Spirit! WORSHIP GOD in the way that is most comfortable to you, in the way that the Spirit leads you to. And if someone does burst out in tongues, or take off pew-hopping, and you don't think it's Biblical, don't judge them. Don't let Satan steal your joy because you're so busy judging them on how wrong they are. Get down off that pedestal you've put yourself on, and stop worrying! Let God worry about whether they're right or wrong, and you just worry about YOU! And I promise you that I've only come to this little "rant" through the Spirit working on ME! I want to be like those youth at my church, who just don't care! Who don't care what so and so thinks if they literally fall on their face and cry out to God right there in front of everyone!

So Much Has Changed

We have had no internet for the past few months, at least nothing reliable, and so I've been unable to keep things updated here. Hopefully that will change soon. With the world of Facebook, I tend to keep everyone updated there and neglect this.

Our world has been a myriad of changes this past year. We've had so much going on, so many things happening, and so many things changing. PJ finally, Praise the Lord, got a job in August (I think). He has been working out of town some, and he started school in August as well, going to school 4 nights a week and working 5+ days a week. I celebrated my 29th birthday in April, Nate turned 3 in May, JRay turned 10 in June, and PJ turned 39 in September. PJ and myself will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow, October 5th. It really feels like it has been a LOT longer than 4 years to me! But, that is the length of it. This is going to be a LONG post, so grab a glass of tea, a bag of chips, and get comfortable.

In late Spring, we started getting a summons to court over child support for Anna. We had offered her mother some form of payment to try to re-establish a relationship with Anna in July/August of 2009, and she refused money and said instead for PJ to use that money to see a counselor of her choosing. She wanted him to have 6 visits, and then she would meet with the counselor and see if he felt PJ should be allowed back in Anna's life. So, PJ humbled himself, although it wasn't entirely fair or honest, because it wasn't by his fault alone that he hadn't had contact with Anna, but her mother has never been able to swallow her pride, humble herself, admit her own sins, and be fair. Anyway.... he had his last visit somewhere around January-February of 2010, and we didn't hear anything until May or June, when Anna's step-dad contacted the counselor wanting to meet with both PJ and myself. We had a feeling what was coming, and did a LOT of praying and seeking God in the week leading up to the meeting. At the meeting, the stepdad was very hateful and disrespectful, and actually had the nerve to curse me immediately following a statement that they had been praying about the situation. (My dad later told me I should have asked him if that was the same mouth he talked to God with). Anyway, our fears were realized when they asked PJ to sign over his rights to Anna so that the stepdad could adopt her. They had the counselor (who is supposed to be a Christian counselor, but I had to ask him to open the session with prayer) give his input that he felt Anna's life had stabilized over the past 2 years or so since PJ had been out of the picture, and she would be better off if he stayed out of the picture. It was VERY difficult for PJ to hear. Now, believe me when I tell you that PJ knows he made many mistakes in his life, especially concerning Anna, until this past year when he TRULY gave his heart to Christ. BUT, the ex-wife and her husband share a lot more of the blame in this situation than they're willing to confess to. Anyway... we left there so heartbroken and torn. Our initial reaction (inwardly) was that there was NO WAY we would give up on Anna. But, we simply told them we needed to pray and seek God on this matter, and we would get back to them. We did just that. We prayed, fasted, and sought Godly counsel from multiple trusted sources. In the end, PJ felt that God wanted him to let her go for now, and to trust Him to bring her back to Him when it honors Him. I told him that I stood beside him in whatever decision he made, but will admit that I was very apprehensive inwardly about the decision. I prayed for days, asking the Lord to give me peace over the decision if this was truly His will... and, well, He did. So, the day before they were due in court for the child support issue, where PJ was facing jail time for nonpayment (you have to remember, we weren't being allowed to see Anna or even talk to her by her mother, so he refused to pay the child support), they met at her attorney's office and signed the papers. So, now, by all LEGAL means, PJ is no longer Anna's father. But we know that God has a much greater plan, and that no matter what papers say, she is still his child, and they will be reunited one day. It's heartbreaking for me, though, because Nate has never met her. Now BOTH of my children have sisters that aren't allowed to be in their lives.

A week after that, we went to church camp as counselors. THIS is where PJ found God, I mean REALLY found the Holy Spirit's annointing, for the first time. This is also where I got a fresh annointing, and where my precious JRay found the Spirit of the Living God! It was an amazing week that we enjoyed so much! We came home and Satan immediately attacked us with papers in the mail stating that we were in default on our mobile home payments, and had 10 days to pay the entire balance or lose the home. We had been living on unemployment for 2 years nearly, and there was a lull in benefits right after Easter that put us behind, and we were never able to catch it back up. So, here we are, high on the Spirit of God, and being faced with homelessness. But, we kept trusting God, and started seeking a place to live. This was a blessing in disguise for us, because this mobile home was literally falling apart, and had mold growing in the ceiling, and was making us sick! But, the home was still in my ex husband's name, so I kept up the payments for 10 years so as not to ruin his credit. Anyway, after 2 months of searching and being rejected for multiple apartments because of our credit situation, we finally signed a lease on a house in SE Decatur on September 18. PJ had to go out of town the 20th-26th for work, so my Daddy and a few guys from church helped me and the boys get most everything moved starting that Monday. It was a long, exhausting, and PAINFUL process! We were just starting to get unpacked when....

PJ's job had been going slow for the past week. They were sending people home because of lack of work, and it was ONLY because of the long hours he put in while out of town that we will have a full paycheck this week. On Thursday, PJ came home at lunch, and then received a text saying that there was a mandatory meeting that afternoon. Fear hit us in the face, and we were CERTAIN that layoffs were coming. PJ went to the meeting, and called me about 25 minutes later and told me to take a deep breath. He said there were no layoffs, but asked me if I was ready to move to Florida. Keep in mind, I am STILL unpacking after 2 weeks of moving. So, I said that I guess I have to be! Anyway, they have contracts that are going to be opening up here, but it could be a few weeks, but they have a lot of work opening up in Florida, and need volunteers to move down there. So, we're volunteering to go, in hopes of having a little more job security than we would staying here where there are more employees with seniority over him. We have not received any official confirmation yet, so it's not FOR SURE that we're moving to Florida, but it is looking very likely. So please, continue to pray for us in this situation! We want only to be in God's will, and to follow the path He has set for us. We just want to be sure that we're following HIS path, and not our own.

Other little tidbits/updates: we are down to 1 car out of 3 again... but Praise the Lord that one is still running, because the rear seal is going out in it and some precious friends of ours tried unsuccessfully to replace it! Homeschooling is going, albeit off to a rough start this year because of all of the moving and uncertainty. But, we still love it, and look forward to finally settling down somewhere so that we can really get into the swing of it. Nate is just constantly changing and growing in so many ways. He's quite the little talker now, and very much a daredevil. He has a black eye right now, and we have NO IDEA how he got it! JRay is becoming such an amazing young man that I am SO PROUD to call my son. God is all over this boy, and I know now, more than ever, (and I've known it since he was very small) that God has GREAT plans for him. He is still the most compassionate, unselfish, and all around amazing person. He blesses me daily with his servant's heart, and does his chores so diligently! PJ gave up on school for the time being because of all of the craziness of our lives. There is just SO MUCH going on, and so much uncertainty, that it was overwhelming us both. We prayed about it, and felt that God wanted him to put his time and efforts into work instead of school. Oh, and I won tickets from the local radio station to go hear Chris Tomlin in concert on Saturday night! We are so stoked over it, and are using this as a time to celebrate our anniversary :)

So, please, if I have not kept in touch with you, please understand it is not because I do not love you! I have had SO MUCH going on, and have been so overwhelmed with all of the changes, that the past few months are honestly a BLUR to me! What I have just relayed to you is just the Cliff Notes version of what has happened! There is so much more that I didn't mention, just the key points! We covet your prayers always, and we lift many of you up in our prayers daily! We are hoping and praying for a REVIVAL in the hearts of ALL Christians, so that we can turn this country back to Christ! We know that He has done a work in our hearts over the past months, and we are so much closer to Him than either of us has ever been. We aren't perfect, we still fail Him from time to time, but those failures are coming much less often these days, and that is ALL HIM, not us!

I will try to do a better job of keeping everyone up to date here, but, as my history reveals, I rarely follow through on that! Sorry!

Dear Momma,

I just want to write you to and tell you how very much I miss you. Mother's Day is not the same without you. This week begins the anniversary of the last week of your life. This time 2 years ago, I was settling in after enjoying being smothered with love by my boys. There's nothing different in that sense this year. My boys made me a cake and cupcakes (I soooo wish I could show you the pictures and video of that!), and JRay, being the charming little sweetheart that he is, smothered me in hugs and kisses all day. I wanted to sit in your usual spot at church today, but it was taken when we got into the sanctuary. Multiple times throughout the service I thought of you. I thought of how much I wish I could look to my left to that spot, and you would suddenly be there, and this nightmare would be over. But.... you weren't, and it isn't.

But, I realize now that while my heart aches so very much to see you and talk to you again... 2 years is long enough to wallow in self pity. While my pain is still VERY real... my desire is to no longer sit around grieving by moping. I want to grieve by celebrating YOU. That's what Mother's Day is all about, right? You were such an amazing woman. Your mark on this world was quiet, but huge. We learned this morning of the mother who provided her last bit of meal and oil for Elijah. She had a young son, and was a widow, but God told her not to fear, and she put Him first. Her "trademark" was one of faith. Yours was that of selflessness, compassion, and LOVE. You loved everyone. There was no one who ever met you that could say they didn't love you. Even your mother-in-law, that you argued with over many things for most of your life, testified to your amazing capacity to love in her final days. What a testimony that is! You ALWAYS put your own needs aside to minister to others in whatever way God was laying on your heart at the time. You dipped into your tight budget to buy groceries for those in need, and I was included in that more than once, as were both of my brothers. You dropped everything at the drop of a hat to go be by the side of someone whose loved one laid sick and even dying in the hospital. Your funeral was full of stories from people I barely knew that attested to this. You put your world on hold to sit in the waiting room when I laid in ICU with my diabetes, and my own husband wasn't there. You spent hours upon hours when my 4 month old infant was in the hospital with pneumonia, just sitting and keeping me company, and holding him so that I could shower, eat, and stretch. You spent many a day and night sitting in a crowded little hospital room, eating disgusting hospital food, neglecting your own health needs when I was a pre-teen in and out of the hospital. You took food to those who were sick and hurting. You called those you know who were down and out. I could go on and on and on with the praises I could sing of your compassion and willingness to put EVERYTHING in your own life on hold to minister to and love others. And you did it all out of a PURE LOVE that comes only from God. You didn't do it for fame. Most people never even knew the things you did for others, because you did them quietly, and behind the scenes.

My prayer, and my goal, is to be HALF the mother, and WOMAN OF GOD that you were. Your love lives on in me, and I want to do it right. Please ask God to give you a hug and kiss from me, and each of my sweet children. JRay misses you very much, and talks of you often. Nate, while he only knew you for just under a year, will never cease to be told stories of you. And I know that he WILL know you one day!

I love you, Momma. Always have, and always will. The values and gift of love and compassion that have passed on to me are treasures that I value above all things. You truly are valued

Proverbs 31 (KJV):

10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised.

31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

You truly were a Proverbs 31 woman, Momma. The best part of it was that you didn't know it. You were so humble and meek.

Love,
Your rotten, no good, spoiled, but heartbroken and PROUD daughter Brooke