Another Contest from Along For The Ride

Win a Free Organic Embroidered Ergo Baby Carrier Hands Free System from Along for the Ride

GREAT giveaway this time! Very unique and one of a kind!

Heart of Thanksgiving

I've had some time to think on Thanksgiving. Obviously, with the loss of Momma this year, I was not really in the "mood" for Thanksgiving, and was dreading Christmas. But, I went to Brent's church yesterday, and his message made so much sense to me. God used my own brother, who is going through the same emotions I"m feeling, to help me to see just what I DO have to be thankful for.

Yes, I'm sad. I'm angry at times. I want my Momma back. But-there's no doubt about, I am loved. Not only by much church family, and my immediate family. I have come to realize how much I am loved by my extended family. My precious in-laws have been there for us time and time again. And while I loved them, and was grateful for their help, I wasn't grateful for THEM. God opened my eyes this weekend to see that I have so much to be grateful for. Instead of feeling deprived of my Momma, I'm so grateful that she is no longer in pain, she is with our Savior. She is singing, and dancing, and praising Him with no hurt, no health issues, NO STRESS. She has nothing to worry about anymore. I have my wonderful husband, who despite my moodiness, my depression, my incessant fits about not understanding why life is the way it is, loves me. He cares for me. He takes care of me. I love you PJ, and I am VERY grateful for YOU. I have two amazing boys. I get upset so often that I can not have more children, but instead it's time I realize just HOW BLESSED I am to have 2 healthy, loving, smart, and just BEAUTIFUL children, who love me no matter what. Who look at me through eyes unclouded with judgement. They love me just as much when I punish them as they do when I smother them with kisses! I love you Justin and Nate, and I am SO GRATEFUL for you! I have come to realize that instead of being angry with my Daddy for remarrying so quickly after Momma's death, I'm indeed grateful that he has been able to find happiness again. I"m still dealing with this area, but God is bringing me through it. And I love my Daddy, and Karen, and am grateful for them both. I have a home, I have heat, I have food, and I have clothing. None of them are high class, or even GOOD by most standards. But, they are much better than sleeping under the bridge with nothing more than the clothes on my back and the tent or box that I sleep in. I am grateful for my home, in spite of how small and run down it might be. I have a car to get me to where I need to go. It might be old, it might be falling apart as well, but, it gets me there. I do not have to walk or ride a bike to where I need to go.

And, last, but most importantly, I have breath. Goodness knows my health is not good by any means. I get so disgusted with having to do all the insulin and watching what I eat, the nerve damage, the painful arthritis in my spine and joints. But, I am breathing. I am here, spending another minute with all those previously mentioned. I am not bedridden. I am not in a coma. I am not in a wheelchair, or have anything that prevents my activities. I might be limitied in my activities, but I am not prevented. For that, I am grateful!

I have A LOT to be grateful for! I bet if you really look deep, you'll find a lot too :) Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Please remember that no matter how difficult your life is, someone out there has it worse.

And I'll end with a slideshow of the boys' Christmas pics. There were many more, of course, but there were, in my opinion, the best :) JRay did so awesome!!!!

Rather Entertaining thoughts...

So, I have just heard some rather amusing news. Computer Support Systems (PJ's ridiculous previous employer) is now suing S3 Integration (PJ's most recent previous employer, that he was just let go from on Wed)for nonpayment of approximately $40,000. Does anyone else find this as hilariously amusing as I do? What goes around comes around people. This is a prime example. It's a circle of dishonesty and greed, on both sides.

Photo Facelifts

So, I'm trying my hand at photo restoration, and chose my Mom's two baby/toddler pics as my first projects. I"m not yet happy with the baby one, so I'll be working on it more when it's not 1am, but I'm pretty happy with the black and white. So I thought I would share these beautiful pics of my gorgeous Mommy. The toddler one is where she won a beauty contest, and this picture is on a calendar :)

Baby Before:


Baby After


Toddler Before


and Toddler After


I never realized how much Nate favors her until I paid attention to her face in the toddler one. He doesn't have her eyes, but there's just something about her face that screams Nana to me. And everyone is convinced he looks like Papa and Daddy. Maybe I just WANT to see it. Who knows.

Don't get upset that I have these Craig and Brent. Ya'll will have them too :) I promise!

Fall Pictures

So, obviously, Fall is in the air. There's a chill out tonight, football is halfway through, Halloween is 2 weeks away. It's that time of year. Lots of changes. Things dying, going into hibernation, people staying in more. Life slows down for a brief moment this time of year. And then the Christmas season comes in and it becomes chaos for most. Isn't it funny how our lives go through such similar seasons? One day we're young, full of life, beauty. Then things start to wither, cool down, die off. We spend a season covered by cold, dead to ourselves, to God, and to those around us, but then, somehow, God's great Love breaks through again, like the sun breaking through the cold clouds in the springtime? And we begin to sprout new, young seedlings, that grow with the blessings of rain, and become beautiful flowers. Then things get hot, then we die, and the cycle starts over again. Life is a cycle. But that doesn't mean our souls have to be. Fall doesn't have to hit our soul. I know it has been "Fall" in my soul for 5 months now. But I'm not going to allow winter to come. I am ready to skip Winter and go straight to Spring again. Pray for me that I'll be able to do that?

Took some pics the last few days of Naynay. It wasn't easy. He's not quite as fun to photograph as he once was. He doesn't STAY anymore.

Enjoy :)

S3 Who?

So, these morons at PJ's supposed great job are at it again. S3 Integrations coerced him away from CSS back in May/June with promises of a brighter future. To hire on within a month with full benefits and a personal work van, higher pay, more respect. Hah, one empty promise after another.

We are STILL not hired on. Yep, like 4 months into this gig, they keep making excuses to push the hiring back. I have lost count of how many times they have forgotten to pay us. Yep, they just don't send the check. Or this time their excuse is they didn't receive the time from PJ's supervisor. Well, he CC'd PJ the email when he sent it last week. They STILL owe us gas reimbursement from 2 months ago when PJ had to drive our rickety van to B'ham to work. This check they forgot to pay us only has 2 days worth of work out of 2 weeks.

Seriously, they are currently doing a job for the SSA office in B'ham, and supposedly have a contract for US Steele in B'ham. Tell me, how confident would you feel having S3 Integrations install your security systems if you knew they couldn't even get it together enough to pay their employees? Or heck, work their employees enough hours to allow them to take care of their families. I know I wouldn't. How can a company who FORGETS TO PAY THEIR EMPLOYEES MULTIPLE TIMES do a good job of installing and maintaining high level security systems? Think about it.

Don't hire S3 Integrations to do your work. You're better off doing it yourself. I"m afraid to think where the millions of dollars they get paid for these jobs goes, since they obviously don't use it to pay their employees.

And before you say it- yes, has has 50 gazillion apps and resumes out. Only one is calling, and we seem to keep playing phone tag with them. It takes them 3-4 days just to return his call, and we return theirs almost immediately.

The economy STINKS people.

"If You Came Back From Heaven"

Lately, I find myself listening to that song by Lorrie Morgan ALOT. But really, what if it COULD happen? Would I let it? I mean, if Momma COULD come back from Heaven, could I possibly allow it? Could I allow her to leave such wonder and beauty and perfection, just to come back to this horrible world and my selfishness?

She's been in my shoes. She's felt my pain. She has lost her Dad, then just 3 years later lost her Mom. She's finally with them again. She's where I want to be. I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I could just see her one more time. To tell her how much I love her, and how much I need her. But could I in good conscience bring her back to the misery of this world? And if she did come back, could I really not let God have her back? I mean, I don't want to let go of her. I miss her, I love her, and I NEED her, but when is she allowed to have HER reward? She deserves it. She put up with A LOT over the years from us and Dad. At some point, each one of us made her life Hell.

Would I bring her back, even if just for a day? Would that really help? Again, could I LET her go back if she did come back, for just one day? I don't think I could. I know that God took her in her sleep because He knew that we could never LET her go. We couldn't have watched her suffer, nor could we have said goodbye. Because we weren't ready for her to go. I know you never are. It was so easy to rely on God's strength during the funeral and week of. But now, it's so hard. It's so difficult to trust Him. Not impossible, just difficult. It's so hard not to be angry at Him. He took one of the most important people in my life away from me. But I know that while it feels like punishment to me (even though I know it's not), it's such a beautiful reward for her. I recently found out from someone very close to Momma that there were some tests that the doctor wanted to do before Momma died. I *THOUGHT* she told me everything. I guess there were some things she just didn't even tell me, because she knew I would push her, to keep her here longer. She didn't want to go through any more operations. I knew that. She was afraid. She didn't want to hurt. I think also she didn't want to leave us on an OR table. I think that would've been much harder for us. We'd always doubted ourselves whether or not we should've pushed her to do it. It's hard not to wonder "What if" when someone you love leaves so unexpectedly. We know God has a plan, but the what ifs are always there.

I dreamed something horrible last night. I dreamed that Daddy had colon cancer. It was very vivid. I woke up in tears it was so vivid, so real. I pray that it was just Satan using my fears now to get to me. I've always had this "feeling" that Momma would go just the way she did, adn that Daddy would die a slow and painful death. I can only pray that God shows him and us the same mercy and takes him in his sleep, MANY YEARS FROM NOW. It seems my grief and my fears are haunting even my dreams now. Hence, why I don't sleep much these days. I'm afraid to sleep. I spend 90% of awake time thinking about Momma, and probably at least that much of my sleep time dreaming about her. But they're never more than just "everyday life" type dreams. Nothing "special". I know so many people who've had lost loved ones appear to them in dreams, to comfort them. Now, I honestly don't know how that works. I don't know if God allows those things or not, or if it's just your subconscious finding a way to soothe itself. But what I wouldn't give to have that. I have so many things I'd love to say to Momma. I don't mean say them out loud and pretend she hears me. That does nothing for me. I need to SEE HER. Face to face. And tell her so many things I never got to say.

I know my posts these days are all pretty depressing, and it seems like I've lost all faith, but I haven't. I"m just struggling. I'm hurting. If you have not been in my shoes, I do not expect you to understand. I just appreciate you allowing me to vent, and get things out. If I keep these thoughts bottled up along with my pain, I'd literally explode.

I don't know if you can hear me or not Momma. But I love you. I miss you so much. Life is just not RIGHT without you. I miss my best friend. The boys miss their Nana. Jray says he wants your chicken fingers :) Could you send us some "Heavenly chicken"? I tried making it, but I just can't nor will I ever be able to cook it like you.