Mother's Day

Hello all my beautiful readers. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten you, and that I do intend to continue the depression series. However, my diabetes is giving my eyes fits lately, so my vision is just a little messed up, to put it mildly. So I just can't sit here and really pour my heart into this like I need to. I have a post burning my heart at the moment, but it will have to wait until my eyes settle down.

Meanwhile, I want to wish all of the Moms out there a Happy Mother's Day. I pray your weekend is full of love and joy and memories. As most of you know (and if you don't, spend some time reading back a few years worth here, you'll get the idea), this is a REALLY difficult time of year for me. My sweet Mommy was taken from me much too soon May 14, 2008, the Wednesday following Mother's Day. It's just not been the same for me since. So, I may be MIA for the next week or so as I trudge through heartwrenching memories and grief. It's inevitable. I would appreciate your prayers through this time. My old "friend" depression comes on pretty strong during these times. Satan works hard to pull me back into that terrible place.

But I want to leave you with a scripture that I feel defines who my Mother was, and who the rest of us want to be. It's from the infamous Proverbs 31.

Proverbs 31:25-29 NLT


25 She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
26 When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
27 She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.
28 Her children stand and bless her.
Her husband praises her:
29 “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world,
but you surpass them all!”

Shelia Diana Evans Stover

April 11, 1955-May 14, 2008

My Mommy holding my youngest, Nate, on the day he as born. May 26, 2007. We miss you so much Momma and Nana! You are still so very loved!

Depression, the Beginning

Have you ever known someone that suffers with depression? Maybe you are that person? What was your initial response to this news or realization? Were your thoughts something along the lines of "Well he must not be the Christian he appears to be!" or " Her faith isn't strong enough! She needs to trust God with her problems!" or "They just need to give it to God and He'll change their heart!"? If so, you're right there with a large majority of the church. And to be honest, I was on the fence myself on the whole depression in Christians topic. Well, until a year ago, anyway. Then I received a rude awakening on the topic.

When you think of depression, what comes to mind? What do you consider as more than normal grief after a loss or some change and deep depression? Have you thought about it? Do you see it as a character flaw, or do you recognize it as a medical condition? There are so many varying opinions and champions on the topic. There are multiple sub-conditions that fall under the umbrella of depression. You have PTSD, Bi-Polar, CFS, and the list goes on and on and on. 

The fact is, depression is NOT a character flaw. There are so many causes of clinical depression, and many varying degrees and types. Sometime last summer, I began to fully realize just how difficult this was. I discovered that I have ALWAYS battled it. That I've always had depressive tendencies, but they were mistaken as insecurity and the result of life events that caused me to build walls around my heart. I have always heard the same ol' condemnations for Christians on antidepressants. But, let me tell you, if I had access to medical care that I could afford, I would probably have chosen them some time ago. And if you know me at all, you know that I am not a weak person. I am very stubborn, resilient, rebellious, and all out strong willed. I am not weak! So why was it, that during a time when God was giving me the fresh start I had prayed for, that I found I was isolating myself while at the same time craving a close friendship with ANYONE?! I withdrew from church attendance, from my children, my spouse, my father, and anyone else that loved me. I spent my days with heartache and my nights thinking up ways to end my life. My husband became concerned to the point of not wanting to leave me alone to go to work.

So, the words I heard so often kept coming back to me. Give it to God! All I have to do is ask Him to take it away, and He will! The thing is, I tried that. Please understand that I was not running from God. I was still seeking Him every day. I was reading the Word every day. I was praying every day. I was not separating myself from Him,  yet I felt farther from His presence than I had ever been. So I began to cry out to God. I'm talking on the floor, on my face, crying so hard I couldn't breathe, BEGGING God to release me of this darkness I felt. But as hard as I prayed, and as hard as I listened, I received and heard NOTHING in return. I fully BELIEVED that He could and would take this depression away. But He didn't. I found myself so confused, broken, and defeated. Why had He abandoned me? This went on for weeks. Still, I clung to His promises, and continued to seek Him. 

It was one night, late, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep, that God revealed His reasons to me for allowing me to continue in my suffering. As I was doing most of the time, at that point, I was asking God "WHY?!" and for the first time in months, I heard His voice. It was as clear as if I were talking to my husband laying beside me. I got one word for my answer. There, in the dark, with tears streaming down my face, I heard His answer. "Write." That was all He gave me, but in that moment I understood. God had allowed me to suffer so that I would use the gift He has given me to bring awareness to a topic that is considered very taboo among "the church". So, that is what I plan to do. I'm going to share this journey of mine with you, one blog post at a time, and heed the call He has placed on my life. As always, I am transparent, and don't plan to hide anything about this journey. I will be opening my closet wide open. So, before you read, please pray. Ask God to rid your heart of preconceived notions and condemnation.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
-Psalm 51:8

Getting Out My Trusty Feather Duster

It's been a LONG time since I really posted with any frequency here. I've tried to do something different here, or focus my efforts there. But, like this one, they all fizzled. Life gets crazy, distractions come my way, and I end up on a path that I never thought I would be on. But, I've been sitting here since my PJ left for work this morning at 5 am, searching, browsing, combing, and just reflecting. I have been struggling with depression for close to a year now. I"m not talking about grief. I still battle that, and suppose I always will. My Momma was and is very precious to me, and I miss her terribly. I'm talking about real, deep, dark, depression. To the extreme. And I realized, this morning, that one thing that I really MISS in my morning routine is writing. Just sharing my heart with anyone who cares enough to read it. Maybe I'm sharing too much about myself and my family on the internet. Maybe I just make myself look worse by the time I'm done. But, I'm really beyond the point of actually caring. My life is NOTHING like I envisioned it just 2 years ago. The past 2 years...no, the past FOUR years, have been a landslide of change and upheaval. I haven't adjusted very well. So now I'm left trying to figure out where exactly I missed the mark. When did I lose that closeness with God that I had just a year ago? I still love Him with all of my heart. I still seek Him every day. I am still in the Word every day. I'm still in prayer every day. But I no longer feel like He is WITH me. So, maybe we can trudge through this together? Maybe, just maybe, while I try to find my way back to His arms, you might find something that you're seeking as well?

Over the coming posts, I'm going to really dive into and cover depression. It's such a taboo topic within the church. Only the weak in faith suffer from depression, right? Those in a close, healthy relationship with our Savior couldn't possibly suffer from depression. I'm about to knock those, and many other myths about depression, out of the park.

Hold on tight. This ride might get a little rough.

New Blog

I hope everyone is doing well! I know I never update over here any more, and I'm so sorry! But I have begun a new blog, detailing the new Spiritual journey I am on. I will hopefully eventually get back to updating here on random thoughts, musings, and family updates, but for now, come follow me on my journey to becoming a Proverbs 31 Woman :)

My Journey to Proverbs 31

Immanuel

This morning, as my family slept, and all was quiet, I spent some amazing time alone with our Maker. It amazes me that in that quiet hour, I can be SO CLOSE to Him that I can feel His breath on my face. I can feel the warmth of His love in such a tangible way! It amazes me even more that He loves us enough to allow us to experience Him on such a personal level.

I was reading the status updates of my friends on Facebook when a church friend of mine for many years (most of my life) posted this: "When our lives look like a mess, we can remember why Jesus was called Immanuel.
"They will call him Immanuel, which means 'God is with us.'" Matthew 1:23"

Wow. You know, that just goes right along with what I'm feeling. On this Christmas Eve, I'm feeling completely overwhelmed. Not in a stressful, shopping overload and too much candy making to be done sort of way. But, I'm overwhelmed with His love. I feel His presence so strongly in my life that I just find myself wanting to fall on my face and worship Him. What has me so completely overwhelmed emotionally and mentally is that, as Matthew 1:23 tells us, He is with us. Not only did He create us, but He joined us. He was born into a physical body to be with us. Immanuel-God with us! He loves us THAT MUCH! Can we even begin to fathom His AGAPE love? What is AGAPE love?

Webster's dictionary defines "agape" in 2 forms, first as a noun, and also as an adjective or adverb.





1aga·pe noun \ä-ˈgä-(ˌ)pā, ˈä-gə-ˌpā\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: love feast
2
: love 4a

2agape adj or adv \ə-ˈgāp also -ˈgap\
Definition of AGAPE

1
: wide open : gaping
2
: being in a state of wonder

Did you catch that? being in a state of wonder. That's pretty much how I feel ALL the time when I think of God's love for me! So, Immanuel means God is with us. I mean He is WITH US! And, that, my friends, leaves me in a state of wonder. He came, as a helpless baby. Not for himself. I mean, he's GOD. It served HIM no purpose to put Himself through the torture He endured here. He did it for US. To reconcile us to Him. Because He loves us THAT MUCH that He desires to have that face to face relationship with us.

My own husband doesn't love me THAT much.

And love feast. Isn't that really what His love is? I mean, He wants us to feast on His love. He wants us to CRAVE Him, like the desert craves the rain!

This Christmas Eve, let's remember what we're celebrating. Let's take time to stand in wonder of the Love Feast He's offering us, and the fact that over 2000 years ago, IMMANUEL came. God With Us. Let's not forget that He is with us, and include Him in His own celebration :)

Merry CHRISTmas!!!!!!!!

The Gift of LOVE

I've been pondering the Christmas Season a lot lately. I know why WE celebrate it, and it breaks my heart to see HOW it's celebrated by so many. Now, don't get me wrong, if our financial situation were better, there would be a few gifts under the tree for our children. I don't see harm in giving gifts during this time, but I do have to sit and ponder on how over the top we go on this gift-giving escapade.

This is CHRISTMAS. It irks my skin to get CHRISTmas cards that say "Season's Greetings" and "Happy Holidays", etc. I do not care how the holiday originally began as "Winter Solstice" as a pagan celebration of winter. I'm not pagan. I'm CHRISTian.

And I'm also tired of hearing that it's all about family. No, it's not. Family is someone you should want to celebrate such a joyous event with, but that's not what it is about. What WE are celebrating is the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. His sacrifice did not begin on Crucifixion Friday! It began when He made the decision to leave His Heavenly throne, and come to earth, as a BABY. He didn't just transport down here as a royal king, or some other noble. He actually went through conception, growing in His mother's womb, birth, nursing at her breast, unable to walk, talk, or do ANYTHING for Himself. He went through the terrible two's! He went through puberty. He was completely FLESH. He suffered physical pain. He suffered grief. He suffered. He did it for US. I mean... how can we discount what our Lord and Savior sacrificed simply by choosing to be BORN as a HUMAN? His birth began a journey of the most unimaginable LOVE ever walked. NO ONE could ever show the enormous love for us that He showed by deciding to be born as a helpless babe. He knew what we were capable of, yet He chose to trust Himself into our care anyway!

What if Mary had been like some modern day mothers who suffer PPD and murder their children, or leave their children at the door of an emergency room? What if she hadn't been the virtuous woman that she was? What if Joseph hadn't believed the angels and had left Mary to shame? Who would have believed that the SAVIOR could be born of what they would have perceived as a harlot? Of course, God's plan is perfect, and none of this did happen, but what if it had? Have you ever just sat, and thought about the sacrifice He made. not starting in the Garden of Gethsemane, but starting when the Holy Spirit combined His seed with Mary's, and conceived the Christ child!?

So, instead of rushing out to buy the best, most expensive gifts for your loved ones, why not take a moment to share the PERFECT gift with them? Remind yourself, and then your family and friends, WHY we are celebrating. It's because of His AGAPE Love that we celebrate, and His sacrifice. Not because we want a new camera, or because little Johnny wants a new Playstation. It's because He came, as a humble BABY, and sacrificed it ALL so that we could be reconciled to Him, and spend eternity with Him. Have you accepted that perfect gift? If not, what's keeping you? Time is not guaranteed, and you may not have another chance. You'll never go back from God's love :) There is no greater gift :) I'd be happy to talk to you if you have questions about this gift. I can be reached at brooke@bythebrookephotography.com

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tearing Down the Walls

God's working. He's working in our youth, He's working in our kids, He's working in our churches, and He's working OUT of our churches. The only problem is that we're hindering His work by worrying too much about how it appears. We worry about how it will look if we eat some humble pie and fall on our faces in the altar. We're afraid of how it will look if we give the Spirit control of our bodies and speak in tongues. We're afraid of how it will look if we run around, jump up and down, and worship our Savior without inhibition. David played, sang and DANCED! Why are we afraid to dance for God? We're afraid to admit that maybe this "doctrine" does in fact hold a water just because we were brought up to believe it didn't. Why are we so afraid of what the world thinks of us? Why? Because it's not the world who judges us. We judge ourselves. If we see so and so over there raising their hand to worship, we miss our own blessing because we're too busy judging Miss so and so on what she did last week, thinking "Yeah… look at you raising your hand… you're doing it just to be seen." We're missing our own blessing in the Spirit because we're too caught up in what's "correct". I mean, we spend so much time and energy arguing and trying to disprove others' opinions that we lose complete focus on what we're here for. We're here to love. We're here to show the world God's love. We can TELL them about God's love until we're blue in the face… but until we SHOW them God's love, they're just not going to grasp it. I can tell my children all day that I love them… but if I don't SHOW them that I love them, they're not gonna believe me! We have GOT to stop judging one another! Who are YOU to judge someone else? How big is that plank in your own eye!? I had the realization tonight that someone I care about deeply is afraid to allow someone else I care about deeply into a prayer meeting, because he's afraid the other person won't like the way they do it, and will judge them. Why are we afraid to be who God made us with one another!? Why do we continue to judge one another: Lutheran, Protestant, Pentecostal…. Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ… come on folks!!!! WAKE UP! It is NOT about whether you agree on speaking on tongues, or on hopping pews, or on what music is ok to play and what's not ok to play! What it IS about is God's LOVE! That's what it ALL comes down to! HIS LOVE! He loves us SO MUCH, He sent His son… His own son, to die for us. To take our sins, and bear them on that cross… so that we can have a one on one relationship with Him! He wants to KNOW you! He wants YOU to know HIM! God's doing something big in our churches. He is. He's wanting to do something big in this WORLD. But until we stop arguing over silly things, and stop worrying about what others think about how we worship our Savior, then we're going to miss it. When we decide to stop arguing, and are in one mind, and one accord, and LOVE one another, as Christ loves us… we're going to miss the revival that's building! When Paul preached and wrote to each of the individual churches, he didn't change his "doctrine" for each individual church. There was ONE gospel, and He shared it with ALL of them. He advised them according to what Jesus Christ himself taught him. Jesus IS with us now. He may not be PHYSICALLY here with us, but He is within the hearts of those who ask Him there, and can walk and talk with you just as He did with Paul and all of the disciples.

 

I, for one, don't claim to be protestant, Lutheran, Pentecostal, or anything in between… I am a CHRISTIAN. I'm a child of the KING! And I love each and every one of you. God has really dealt with my own heart on this subject tonight, and I pray that each and every one of you will get something out of it. If I've noticed nothing else by being actively involved with my church's youth recently… it's that these kids are not afraid to make their way to the altar and pour their hearts out to God, and SEEK HIM. During the song service, in the middle of a sermon, or at the altar call. They don't care… they just want to meet God where He can be found! Didn't Jesus tell us to be like the children (Matthew 18:3)? How about we stop arguing doctrine, and start reading the Word that He gave us, and follow the commands He gave us. Jesus repeatedly emphasized that the most important command He's given us is to LOVE one another. Over and over again we are reminded of the importance of LOVE. Now, go out and share His LOVE and stop worrying about who's right or wrong! Don't worry about how your friend might think of you if you burst out in tongues. Don't worry about what the stiffnecks in the church will think if you take off running and dancing in the Spirit! WORSHIP GOD in the way that is most comfortable to you, in the way that the Spirit leads you to. And if someone does burst out in tongues, or take off pew-hopping, and you don't think it's Biblical, don't judge them. Don't let Satan steal your joy because you're so busy judging them on how wrong they are. Get down off that pedestal you've put yourself on, and stop worrying! Let God worry about whether they're right or wrong, and you just worry about YOU! And I promise you that I've only come to this little "rant" through the Spirit working on ME! I want to be like those youth at my church, who just don't care! Who don't care what so and so thinks if they literally fall on their face and cry out to God right there in front of everyone!