My Little Artist in Training?

Nate had fun "painting" tonight. He got an artists' easel for Christmas, and has been enjoying the chalkboard side daily. I decided tonight to get brave and break out the paints and let him use that side. The easel was useless for this purpose however. He likes "self-expression" much better :)

Honest Scrap Award

ok, so I received this award from Anelys at Blooming Buds. I've NEVER been good at these things, so bear with me! I'm super honored that she thought of me :)

Honest Scrap award:
A) First list 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!
B) Pass the award on to 7 bloggers that you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap.

So, here's my attempt at 10 things:

1-I'm slowly discovering that I am beginning to move through my grief. Nowhere near THROUGH it, but finally starting this long journey.
2-I'm angry at myself for moving through it-and even angrier that I had to cut precious family out of my life in order to do it, and angry at those family members for making the grieving process more difficult-but love and miss them terribly.
3-My walk with Christ is suffering as a result of #2.
4-I am FINALLY going to get some photographic equipment that I've been NEEDING for years in a few weeks :) YAY!
5-I have barely been involved with JRay's school this year. I feel guilty about it, but don't regret it. Does that make sense?
6-I'm SO GLAD basketball season is OVER.
7-I'm so sick of my negative attitude. I want to be positive and optimistic again.
8-I do not know what on earth PJ sees in me that makes him stick with me through all this anger and bitterness.
9-I'm secretly EXCITED that we will be having a house full of kittens again. Deep inside I hope that it will make some of my joy and happiness resurface.
10-There's a part of me, that regardless of how against OBama's principles and morals I am, is really hopeful that he manages to succeed in his promise to improve healthcare. I'm tired of having to fight like a bulldog to get the medicines and healthcare I need to stay alive! Maybe part of my optimism is starting to resurface?

Ok-how's that for honesty? Now, I am not sure I can come up with 7 bloggers! I'm ashamed to admit I just don't follow but a couple anymore!

1- CB @ Gathering Lilies
2- Bonita @ Bonita's Life
3- Crystal @ Crystal Blue Photography
4- Nicole @ Fingerprints left Behind
5- Gentri @ Frogs and Snails and Puppydog tails
6- Bridget @ Mama Belly Blog
7- Kari-Anne @ Life Moves Fast

So, TAG- You're it!

Here Kitty Kitty...

So, we all know the story, right? We got Bandit from my sister-in-law's sister a couple of months after Momma died. Then, sometime in I think it was Sept, Lexy showed up literally on our doorstep (well, in the yard, but you know what I mean). She was tiny, crying VERY loudly, and appeared to be no older than 6 weeks old. We couldn't just leave her there, so we brought her in until we could find her a home. Then we fell in love with her. (doesn't that ALWAYS happen to us?) Fast forward a few months, and she goes into heat MUCH QUICKER than we expected. We were planning to have both her and Bandit fixed with our income tax return. We were HOPING we'd avoided getting her pregnant by booting Bandit outside for the time being. We were wrong. Now we're looking to be about a week away from having a house full of kittens, AGAIN. OH JOY! Can you hear the enthusiasm in my voice?

So my sweet baby is gonna be a mommy soon. Hit me up for a kitten in about 2 months, ok? I had let Bandit back in during this cold weather, and after we were certain she was indeed pregnant, but he's wanting to play the in and out game, and I"m not doing it, so he's now an outside cat, keeping Garfield company. (Garfield was booted to the outside for the same reason, wanted to come in/out like crazy, bringing fleas with him.

But, I do love my "Lexy Lou". She's grown on me A LOT since she showed up. As much as Momma disliked cats, I can't help but think she told her during her poor time as a lonely, needy baby "Hey, go over here to my daughters house. She's a sucker and will take you in and love you". Thanks, Momma :) I love you too!




She has got the absolute most BEAUTIFUL blue eyes I've EVER seen on a cat. She is such a beauty :)And loves to snuggle with her Mommy.

New Year, Old Pain

So it's a new year. And it's been nearly 8 months since we lost Momma. It certainly seems like it should be at least a little bit easier, now. But somehow for me it has only gotten worse. I know that Christmas and Thanksgiving had a hand in that-but there are so many things going on that contrary to what I"m accused of, I don't air all over the internet. My heart just hurts so deeply. I"m so confused on so many things. I had a talk with my sweet sweet sister-in-love the other day (I love you Lytha!) and she helped me to understand this "feeling" a little. I"m just so lost. I don't know how I should feel, how I should act, what I should say, or do. I want to scream at people who ask me how Daddy is, because don't they know I"m hurting too?! And I'm so used to people asking me how Momma is doing, not Daddy. And it just angers and hurts me all in the same breath that their life continues, nothing has changed. Not a moment goes by that she's not at least in the back of my mind. I spent some time with her at the grave New Year's day. I begged, no PLEADED with her to come back. It's IMPOSSIBLE to imagine living the rest of my life, however long or short that may be, without her. A HUGE part of me is missing now. I have this tugging feeling inside my stomach constantly. That "dread/worry" feeling you get when you are anxious about something. There have been things that have complicated the whole grieving process for this entire family, and those things are not fair to us-but we have to deal with them, because we can't change them. I honestly just don't know where or who I am in my own life anymore. I try so hard constantly to completely give it all over to God, and allow Him to wipe the tears, but it almost feels like it means letting go of her, and that would mean forgetting her! And I just can't do that. I know that all of this is not true, so I don't need you to tell me so-it just FEELS that way. If you've never experienced this pain and emotion, there's just no way you could ever understand it. There are no words that can truly describe it. Except for PJ, she was my BEST FRIEND. She was ALWAYS there for me when I needed her. ALWAYS. And now, when I need her most, she can't be there. Nate will never REALLY know Nana. I mean, we can keep her memory alive, but he will never truly know her, and have memories of his OWN. Only what he learns from us. That's just not fair. She loved him so much, and in the 11 months that she was a part of his life, she was the best Nana he could ever dream of having. When he was in the hospital at less than 4 months old with pneumonia, she spent all day EVERY DAY there with me and him. Holding him, rocking him, and LOVING him. She had love that no one person should ever be able to hold. Oh how I miss that love. There will never be another like it. She spent her life showing Christ's love to any and everyone she came into contact with. And her kids and grandkids got an immeasurable dose of it. It is so painful to see how easily the world has forgotten her. Don't they know they lost a SAINT? I want so badly to just be happy that she is in Heaven, and no longer hurting, and reaping her reward. I really do. And that does bring me some peace. But I want to be selfish. I want her back. I'm not ready to give her up.

Please pray for me. I've got a lot of internal battles going on (and some not so internal). Pray for my entire family.