Joy and Peace, Strength and Hope...

Jesus What a Beautiful Name - Darlene Zschech

Grace that blows all fear away! Jesus, what a beautiful name :)

So I have disappeared from the blog spectrum, obviously. I've been periodically updating my photoblog, but have neglected my readers here. So much has gone on since my last post. I'll do a QUICK summation, then get on to my point of this post :)

PJ lost his job 2 days before they were supposed to hire him on. Yep. They did us that way. I've been dealing with severe depression. All of the normal health issues, we're broke, no money to pay our bills, no job in sight after TONS of applications filled out, among many many other "grievances" that I won't mention.

But ya know what? No storm is too big for my God :)

Tonight, I was sitting here, my heart so incredibly heavy, as usual fighting the depression that has crippled my soul for so long. For a year and a half, since my sweet Mommy went to her REAL home in Glory, I've allowed fear, anger, and depression to pull me into the depths of a place I hope to never find again. I found myself bitter, angry, tired, and just UNHAPPY. I've tried to "let go and let God"... but every time I've tried it, I've held onto just a small piece. I've wanted Him to carry me, but every time I tried, I kept gripping onto that leash that is sadness. I was afraid to trust Him again. I trusted Him so wholly before (or so I thought), and He allowed me to be hurt so deeply.

But tonight... as I was sitting here, thinking of the day that she went home... and again torturing myself with the memories of that horrible day... I posted a message on Facebook, and asked my friends and family to say a prayer for me. I was tired of fighting this battle alone. I WANTED to give it to Him, and let Him HAVE it. But I sat here a few minutes, and this voice whispered to me "Brooke... you keep asking others to pray for you to lean on Me, but you haven't asked me to carry you, to truly carry you". And it just hit me... wow, all this time I've been CLAIMING to give it to Him, but really, I wasn't. I was continuing to push Him away... to "handle this myself". (I've never denied I have quite a stubborn streak!). So in that moment of realization, I answered that voice "Take it. It's yours. Please, just take it, I don't want this burden anymore, take it all". And I LET GO OF IT. COMPLETELY. And, in that same moment, I could breathe again. This ginormous weight lifted OUT of my chest, and I CAN BREATHE. I can finally REST in the arms of the ALMIGHTY. I have a joy, and peace, and strength, and HOPE... and He gives me GRACE that blows ALL fears away. Jesus.... it really is a beautiful name :)