Depression, the Beginning

Have you ever known someone that suffers with depression? Maybe you are that person? What was your initial response to this news or realization? Were your thoughts something along the lines of "Well he must not be the Christian he appears to be!" or " Her faith isn't strong enough! She needs to trust God with her problems!" or "They just need to give it to God and He'll change their heart!"? If so, you're right there with a large majority of the church. And to be honest, I was on the fence myself on the whole depression in Christians topic. Well, until a year ago, anyway. Then I received a rude awakening on the topic.

When you think of depression, what comes to mind? What do you consider as more than normal grief after a loss or some change and deep depression? Have you thought about it? Do you see it as a character flaw, or do you recognize it as a medical condition? There are so many varying opinions and champions on the topic. There are multiple sub-conditions that fall under the umbrella of depression. You have PTSD, Bi-Polar, CFS, and the list goes on and on and on. 

The fact is, depression is NOT a character flaw. There are so many causes of clinical depression, and many varying degrees and types. Sometime last summer, I began to fully realize just how difficult this was. I discovered that I have ALWAYS battled it. That I've always had depressive tendencies, but they were mistaken as insecurity and the result of life events that caused me to build walls around my heart. I have always heard the same ol' condemnations for Christians on antidepressants. But, let me tell you, if I had access to medical care that I could afford, I would probably have chosen them some time ago. And if you know me at all, you know that I am not a weak person. I am very stubborn, resilient, rebellious, and all out strong willed. I am not weak! So why was it, that during a time when God was giving me the fresh start I had prayed for, that I found I was isolating myself while at the same time craving a close friendship with ANYONE?! I withdrew from church attendance, from my children, my spouse, my father, and anyone else that loved me. I spent my days with heartache and my nights thinking up ways to end my life. My husband became concerned to the point of not wanting to leave me alone to go to work.

So, the words I heard so often kept coming back to me. Give it to God! All I have to do is ask Him to take it away, and He will! The thing is, I tried that. Please understand that I was not running from God. I was still seeking Him every day. I was reading the Word every day. I was praying every day. I was not separating myself from Him,  yet I felt farther from His presence than I had ever been. So I began to cry out to God. I'm talking on the floor, on my face, crying so hard I couldn't breathe, BEGGING God to release me of this darkness I felt. But as hard as I prayed, and as hard as I listened, I received and heard NOTHING in return. I fully BELIEVED that He could and would take this depression away. But He didn't. I found myself so confused, broken, and defeated. Why had He abandoned me? This went on for weeks. Still, I clung to His promises, and continued to seek Him. 

It was one night, late, as I was laying in bed unable to sleep, that God revealed His reasons to me for allowing me to continue in my suffering. As I was doing most of the time, at that point, I was asking God "WHY?!" and for the first time in months, I heard His voice. It was as clear as if I were talking to my husband laying beside me. I got one word for my answer. There, in the dark, with tears streaming down my face, I heard His answer. "Write." That was all He gave me, but in that moment I understood. God had allowed me to suffer so that I would use the gift He has given me to bring awareness to a topic that is considered very taboo among "the church". So, that is what I plan to do. I'm going to share this journey of mine with you, one blog post at a time, and heed the call He has placed on my life. As always, I am transparent, and don't plan to hide anything about this journey. I will be opening my closet wide open. So, before you read, please pray. Ask God to rid your heart of preconceived notions and condemnation.

Oh, give me back my joy again;

you have broken me-
now let me rejoice.
-Psalm 51:8