Anyone up for Flea Markets?

You know, I used to never really WANT to go to Flea Markets. Mom would want me to go with her. I mean, that involves getting up early on a Saturday morning! Not if I don't have to!!!! So today I was sitting here, and suddenly had the urge to hop in the car with Momma and go to the flea market, thinking about the fact that PJ would be working this weekend. Isn't it funny, how the very things that you dread become something you so long to do when someone leaves your life?

I miss Momma so much. I miss shopping at the spur of the moment. I miss sitting on the swing with her. I miss walking around our yards looking at nothing and everything. I miss those annoying phonecalls that had me wanting to pull my hair out listening to her ramble on and on and on about the same thing, usually her newest "collection". Oh what I wouldn't give to have that phone ring again. Or to have her coming through the door while I sat on the toilet or in the bathtub or goodness forbid take a nap because I didn't answer the phone when she called, and she was afraid I was having a diabetic seizure. It is just so quiet around here during the day. It doesn't matter if every friend and family member calls me in one day, it's still too quiet. My memory just doesn't function right anymore. I find myself feeling so lost most of the time. Like something is missing, or I've forgotten something.

I recently got back the two windchimes I bought Momma for Mother's Day, just 3 days before she died. I hung them on the archway in my kitchen. Just so everything we walk by them we hit them. If that is the only thing Nate can ever relate in his heart to Nana, maybe it'll help to somehow keep her memory alive to him? Maybe by never letting that one memory of Nana die, he'll keep it forever? He loved his Nana, and he loved her windchimes. When we went to Nana's, he HAD to stop and hit the windchimes. Now no matter where we are, or what we're doing, when we hear a windchime, I can't help but stop and listen, and say "I hear you Momma". My brothers put a couple up at her grave. That's something very special to us, that we'll always have.

Please, I don't care of your Mom gets on your last ever-lovin nerve. Don't take her for granted. With Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all quickly approaching, I find myself wanting to hide under a rock. She loved them all. Who will we Trick or Treat this year? It always started with Nana. She always went WAY overboard with chocolate goodie bags for the kids. Thanksgiving was MOMMAgiving. She assigned dishes, and made way more in her kitchen than all of us kids combined. WAY too much food. Seriously. I mean, every year there would be enough food to feed 50+ people, and it was just us three kids and spouses, the 6 grandkids (usually nto even all of them were there since a couple of us are divorced and remarried), her, and dad. I can't handle doing a family thing for Thanksgiving this year. I mean, it just is NOT Thanksgiving without Momma. I refuse to celebrate it without her. That might and probably will change next year, but this year I just want no part of it. We just won't even get into Christmas. Momma would have already had her closet and bedroom overloaded with gifts for the kids. She had to spend xx amount of $$ on EACH kid, but each kid had to have the EXACT same number of gifts. She HAD to be fair. She complained EVERY year she wouldn't make all that candy! "We don't need it anyway!" she would say. But every year, she spent HOURS in the kitchen making all sorts of homemade treats. She lived for Christmas and her kids and her grandkids. That was Momma. Every year we told her to not buy so much, she couldn't afford it. But of course she didn't listen. She LOVED spoiling us all, especially the grandkids. I loved going shopping with her at Christmas, helping her pick out everyone's gifts. We had so many special times together and 99% of them were shopping LOL. Momma was a shopaholic. I mean, she's the shopping that when buying a figurine, would pick up EVERY single figurine of that design and compare them, to get the absolute BEST one. It drove me NUTS. I mean, I just grab one, if it isn't broken, it's good. But nope, she took her time making certain she always got the very best. Well, now she has the very best. And she deserves it.

Alot has happened in our little family since May 14. I had surgery, Dad took the pastor position of a local church, then accepted the pastor position full time of a church 3.5 hours away, and moved, then remarried, my brother took over the pastor position of the first church and has done wonders with it from what I'm hearing, and my oldest brother and his wife have moved next door into what I still consider "Momma's house". And that's just the short version. Change is inevitable. But, change isn't always easy to swallow. They say time heals all, and there's no doubt that's true. But there are days when it feels time injures more deeply. We've had fights, makeups, and everything in between here lately. That's what families do, right? They love each other regardless? Even when one is hurting another, whether intentionally or unintentionally, they still love each other. I think I can speak for us all on that. I know I love all of my family. I might not like them all the time, but I love them all the time. That's what Momma taught us. And while I know that she would be chewing us out if she'd seen some of the behavior since her death, I think she's in Heaven now smiling proudly because through it all, we've endured, and still love one another, and are still there for one another, making every effort possible to take up the slack left by her leaving. She might have been a little woman, but she has some HUGE shoes to fill.

Anyone got some bulky socks? Maybe some tissue paper to stuff the toes?