Monday, October 13, 2008

"If You Came Back From Heaven"

Lately, I find myself listening to that song by Lorrie Morgan ALOT. But really, what if it COULD happen? Would I let it? I mean, if Momma COULD come back from Heaven, could I possibly allow it? Could I allow her to leave such wonder and beauty and perfection, just to come back to this horrible world and my selfishness?

She's been in my shoes. She's felt my pain. She has lost her Dad, then just 3 years later lost her Mom. She's finally with them again. She's where I want to be. I cry myself to sleep every night wishing I could just see her one more time. To tell her how much I love her, and how much I need her. But could I in good conscience bring her back to the misery of this world? And if she did come back, could I really not let God have her back? I mean, I don't want to let go of her. I miss her, I love her, and I NEED her, but when is she allowed to have HER reward? She deserves it. She put up with A LOT over the years from us and Dad. At some point, each one of us made her life Hell.

Would I bring her back, even if just for a day? Would that really help? Again, could I LET her go back if she did come back, for just one day? I don't think I could. I know that God took her in her sleep because He knew that we could never LET her go. We couldn't have watched her suffer, nor could we have said goodbye. Because we weren't ready for her to go. I know you never are. It was so easy to rely on God's strength during the funeral and week of. But now, it's so hard. It's so difficult to trust Him. Not impossible, just difficult. It's so hard not to be angry at Him. He took one of the most important people in my life away from me. But I know that while it feels like punishment to me (even though I know it's not), it's such a beautiful reward for her. I recently found out from someone very close to Momma that there were some tests that the doctor wanted to do before Momma died. I *THOUGHT* she told me everything. I guess there were some things she just didn't even tell me, because she knew I would push her, to keep her here longer. She didn't want to go through any more operations. I knew that. She was afraid. She didn't want to hurt. I think also she didn't want to leave us on an OR table. I think that would've been much harder for us. We'd always doubted ourselves whether or not we should've pushed her to do it. It's hard not to wonder "What if" when someone you love leaves so unexpectedly. We know God has a plan, but the what ifs are always there.

I dreamed something horrible last night. I dreamed that Daddy had colon cancer. It was very vivid. I woke up in tears it was so vivid, so real. I pray that it was just Satan using my fears now to get to me. I've always had this "feeling" that Momma would go just the way she did, adn that Daddy would die a slow and painful death. I can only pray that God shows him and us the same mercy and takes him in his sleep, MANY YEARS FROM NOW. It seems my grief and my fears are haunting even my dreams now. Hence, why I don't sleep much these days. I'm afraid to sleep. I spend 90% of awake time thinking about Momma, and probably at least that much of my sleep time dreaming about her. But they're never more than just "everyday life" type dreams. Nothing "special". I know so many people who've had lost loved ones appear to them in dreams, to comfort them. Now, I honestly don't know how that works. I don't know if God allows those things or not, or if it's just your subconscious finding a way to soothe itself. But what I wouldn't give to have that. I have so many things I'd love to say to Momma. I don't mean say them out loud and pretend she hears me. That does nothing for me. I need to SEE HER. Face to face. And tell her so many things I never got to say.

I know my posts these days are all pretty depressing, and it seems like I've lost all faith, but I haven't. I"m just struggling. I'm hurting. If you have not been in my shoes, I do not expect you to understand. I just appreciate you allowing me to vent, and get things out. If I keep these thoughts bottled up along with my pain, I'd literally explode.

I don't know if you can hear me or not Momma. But I love you. I miss you so much. Life is just not RIGHT without you. I miss my best friend. The boys miss their Nana. Jray says he wants your chicken fingers :) Could you send us some "Heavenly chicken"? I tried making it, but I just can't nor will I ever be able to cook it like you.

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My Crazy Life

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I am a Christian wife and homeschooling mom of two precious boys. I enjoy photography and spending time with my family, along with any other hobby I can manage to dig my nails into. I'm married to PJ, God's precious gift to me ;) I'm honest, passionate, and find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with my Creator each and every day that passes. I was diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic at the age of 10. I chose not to care about my health then, and am paying the price now with multiple complications including kidney damage and neuropathy. I currently reside in Florida, where God led my family in February of 2011, but my heart is, and will forever be, in Alabama.