New Year, Old Pain

So it's a new year. And it's been nearly 8 months since we lost Momma. It certainly seems like it should be at least a little bit easier, now. But somehow for me it has only gotten worse. I know that Christmas and Thanksgiving had a hand in that-but there are so many things going on that contrary to what I"m accused of, I don't air all over the internet. My heart just hurts so deeply. I"m so confused on so many things. I had a talk with my sweet sweet sister-in-love the other day (I love you Lytha!) and she helped me to understand this "feeling" a little. I"m just so lost. I don't know how I should feel, how I should act, what I should say, or do. I want to scream at people who ask me how Daddy is, because don't they know I"m hurting too?! And I'm so used to people asking me how Momma is doing, not Daddy. And it just angers and hurts me all in the same breath that their life continues, nothing has changed. Not a moment goes by that she's not at least in the back of my mind. I spent some time with her at the grave New Year's day. I begged, no PLEADED with her to come back. It's IMPOSSIBLE to imagine living the rest of my life, however long or short that may be, without her. A HUGE part of me is missing now. I have this tugging feeling inside my stomach constantly. That "dread/worry" feeling you get when you are anxious about something. There have been things that have complicated the whole grieving process for this entire family, and those things are not fair to us-but we have to deal with them, because we can't change them. I honestly just don't know where or who I am in my own life anymore. I try so hard constantly to completely give it all over to God, and allow Him to wipe the tears, but it almost feels like it means letting go of her, and that would mean forgetting her! And I just can't do that. I know that all of this is not true, so I don't need you to tell me so-it just FEELS that way. If you've never experienced this pain and emotion, there's just no way you could ever understand it. There are no words that can truly describe it. Except for PJ, she was my BEST FRIEND. She was ALWAYS there for me when I needed her. ALWAYS. And now, when I need her most, she can't be there. Nate will never REALLY know Nana. I mean, we can keep her memory alive, but he will never truly know her, and have memories of his OWN. Only what he learns from us. That's just not fair. She loved him so much, and in the 11 months that she was a part of his life, she was the best Nana he could ever dream of having. When he was in the hospital at less than 4 months old with pneumonia, she spent all day EVERY DAY there with me and him. Holding him, rocking him, and LOVING him. She had love that no one person should ever be able to hold. Oh how I miss that love. There will never be another like it. She spent her life showing Christ's love to any and everyone she came into contact with. And her kids and grandkids got an immeasurable dose of it. It is so painful to see how easily the world has forgotten her. Don't they know they lost a SAINT? I want so badly to just be happy that she is in Heaven, and no longer hurting, and reaping her reward. I really do. And that does bring me some peace. But I want to be selfish. I want her back. I'm not ready to give her up.

Please pray for me. I've got a lot of internal battles going on (and some not so internal). Pray for my entire family.