Saturday, May 16, 2009

Wow-A whole year?

So, I'm not doing well at keeping up with ya'll lately, and I'm sorry! No excuses, just been lazy!

May 14th marked one year since Mommy went home to Jesus. The day proved to be a bit more difficult for me than I thought. God did give me tons of strength, but it's hard. Today marks one year since we buried her. That was the most difficult day of that week, for me. Knowing, that although it was just a shell, and that her beautiful spirit was not there aside-it was so hard to know that when they closed that casket, that was it. It was the last time in THIS life I would lay eyes on her. I wanted to crawl into that casket with her and just have them bury me, too.

Not a day goes by I don't think of her and miss her tremendously. Life slowly gets easier, but when I do stop to think of her, my thoughts wander to that last night I spent with her. When she came over to get a BBQ sandwhich, but we didn't have any slaw to go on it, so she instead got a frozen pizza from me. Daddy was working 2nds that week, so she didn't want to cook for just herself. We stood in my kitchen chatting about nothing, in those M&M PJ's I know own and wear. It's so hard not to have the whole "If only I'd known" mentality. I mean, I'm fortunate to have had that special moment with her, but I would've grabbed her and not let go and told her how much I love her and NEED her in my life.

It is UNREAL to believe that a WHOLE YEAR has passed since that night. My heart is still broken that in those moments that all I want to do is pick up the phone to call her and tell her about the latest exciting news on JRay or Nate, I can't. Yeah yeah, I can tell her, she hears me, blah blah. It is NOT the same, and if you have not lost your BEST FRIEND you can't possibly begin to understand. People always have good intentions with those comments, but for me they just make me angry. I don't want ot hear "she's better off, she would want you to...". I want to hear what a great Mommy/friend/sister/aunt/wife she was. How she changed so many lives by just BEING there for EVERYONE. I want to hear "I can't understand your pain, but know that I love you and am praying for you".

Anyway-I miss her so much. We all do. She was so much more than "Momma". She was EVERYTHING to us. I just want to touch her beautiful face and tell her how much I love her and miss her. Heaven is TOO FAR away.

1 comment:

jbslee26 said...

You know I love you, you know I am here for you, and you know I amalways praying for you, and the rest of your family. You also know that I do somewhat understand what you are going through, but I do not know the exact pain you are in. I never had the honor of meeting your mama, but I know from hearing you talk about her, she was a wonderful, fabulous person that loved you all very much. I am always here, Love you, Brandy.

My Crazy Life

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I am a Christian wife and homeschooling mom of two precious boys. I enjoy photography and spending time with my family, along with any other hobby I can manage to dig my nails into. I'm married to PJ, God's precious gift to me ;) I'm honest, passionate, and find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with my Creator each and every day that passes. I was diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic at the age of 10. I chose not to care about my health then, and am paying the price now with multiple complications including kidney damage and neuropathy. I currently reside in Florida, where God led my family in February of 2011, but my heart is, and will forever be, in Alabama.