Monday, April 2, 2012

Getting Out My Trusty Feather Duster

It's been a LONG time since I really posted with any frequency here. I've tried to do something different here, or focus my efforts there. But, like this one, they all fizzled. Life gets crazy, distractions come my way, and I end up on a path that I never thought I would be on. But, I've been sitting here since my PJ left for work this morning at 5 am, searching, browsing, combing, and just reflecting. I have been struggling with depression for close to a year now. I"m not talking about grief. I still battle that, and suppose I always will. My Momma was and is very precious to me, and I miss her terribly. I'm talking about real, deep, dark, depression. To the extreme. And I realized, this morning, that one thing that I really MISS in my morning routine is writing. Just sharing my heart with anyone who cares enough to read it. Maybe I'm sharing too much about myself and my family on the internet. Maybe I just make myself look worse by the time I'm done. But, I'm really beyond the point of actually caring. My life is NOTHING like I envisioned it just 2 years ago. The past 2 years...no, the past FOUR years, have been a landslide of change and upheaval. I haven't adjusted very well. So now I'm left trying to figure out where exactly I missed the mark. When did I lose that closeness with God that I had just a year ago? I still love Him with all of my heart. I still seek Him every day. I am still in the Word every day. I'm still in prayer every day. But I no longer feel like He is WITH me. So, maybe we can trudge through this together? Maybe, just maybe, while I try to find my way back to His arms, you might find something that you're seeking as well?

Over the coming posts, I'm going to really dive into and cover depression. It's such a taboo topic within the church. Only the weak in faith suffer from depression, right? Those in a close, healthy relationship with our Savior couldn't possibly suffer from depression. I'm about to knock those, and many other myths about depression, out of the park.

Hold on tight. This ride might get a little rough.

3 comments:

Philip said...

I love you my darling and I pray for you daily that somehow I can do something to help with your depression. But to me it seems that I just make things worse. I love you very much!!!!

Swirling Regret said...

http://storiesforthebroken.blogspot.com/

Fabulous Infertile said...

Just know that even though our situations are not the same, I understand. It took me a long time to accept that I needed to go back on meds, that I couldn't do it on my own anymore. I know you don't have access to healthcare, but hopefully one day soon, you will. You've been quiet lately and you know where to find me if you want to chat.

My Crazy Life

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I am a Christian wife and homeschooling mom of two precious boys. I enjoy photography and spending time with my family, along with any other hobby I can manage to dig my nails into. I'm married to PJ, God's precious gift to me ;) I'm honest, passionate, and find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with my Creator each and every day that passes. I was diagnosed as a Type 1 Diabetic at the age of 10. I chose not to care about my health then, and am paying the price now with multiple complications including kidney damage and neuropathy. I currently reside in Florida, where God led my family in February of 2011, but my heart is, and will forever be, in Alabama.