Bittersweet.

So, I just found out a little bit ago from an email from a friend (thanks Pam) that Mom's headstone was placed today. It really brings a range of emotions to the surface. I miss her so much. Every day that goes by finds me missing her so much more than the last. This is somewhat of a relief, because it makes her grave less bare. But then, on the other hand, I want it to be EMPTY, so bare seems more empty.

I find myself feeling so "excluded" from the family lately. I dunno, it's silly, I know. I just feel like my "connection" to the family died with Mom. Given me and my sisters in law seem to be closer (I know it's because dear sweet Monica and Lytha are reaching out to me), I just feel like a 3rd wheel with Dad and my brothers. I know they love me. I guess it's maybe because Me and Mom had that "woman" connection, whereas Dad and the boys have that "Man" connection. I don't know. I mean, it's just silly, but I still feel it. I was so anxious to call Dad and let him know when I found out about the headstone, then I find out him, and both boys have been or were at the grave already when I found out. I know they're not excluding me (I love ya'll Craig, Brent, and Dad, you know that, I don't feel that way, honestly) I guess, like I said, I just feel like the odd one out now.

Momma was my 2nd best friend in this world (PJ my first of course). I mean, there was NEVER a time in my life when I needed her that she wasn't there for me. Now, the time when I need her most, well, she can't be. Every day that goes by that something reminds me of her, and that phone doesn't ring with her number on the caller id, oh it hurts so bad. I mean, when Daddy calls me, I almost fool myself into believe it's going to be her on the other end. I have so many people around me for support, but I feel so alone. How can that be?

Momma, if you can hear my heart or my thoughts, I miss you so much. I love you SO MUCH. Too many times we didn't say it. We didn't NEED to, because we KNEW it. But I do, I'm saying it. I LOVE YOU! And I miss you so much. I wouldn't wish you out of Heaven for anything, but I just wish I could have just one more day with you. Even one more hour. To tell you how much I love you. And to hug you, and to kiss you, and spend every waking second with you.