Self Esteem

So last night, we went to a Christmas show put on by a church at a local golf resort. So, the majority of the people there were of the economic status that most people who frequent golf resorts are. Which is well, way above mine :) Anyone who knows me WELL knows that I struggle with self esteem issues. I always have. My beautiful mother, God rest her precious soul, handed this trait down to me. You would think that seeing the huge impact she made with her service to God on this world, even though she thought she was "no one", would open my eyes. So this event was nice. REALLY nice. Get my drift? I mean, it was fun, I did enjoy the show, don't get me wrong. But I get REALLY uncomfortable around "upper class" people. It's nothing more than insecurity on my part.

So this has had me thinking all night. I mean, as a Christian, I should have better self esteem, right? God thinks I am good enough to send his son to die for me, so I must be pretty good? Right???? But really, even my precious Momma wasn't good enough for Heaven. Neither am I. Neither are you. It's hard to understand this issue. God loves us SO MUCH He'd send His son to die for us. Now, think about that, ok? As a mother, I'd die for my children in a heartbeat! But you can bet your bottom I would NOT send my son to die for you. NO WAY! I couldn't do it. Anyway...getting OT. So how am I SUPPOSED to feel about myself? Am I supposed to think highly of myself? Or lowly? How often did Paul speak of himself highly? Never, right? Time and time again we hear those we all regard as such wonderful men of God in the Bible cry out to God, and ask Him why He chose them, they're not worthy!?

Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself". Ok, I have the lowliness of mind down pat. What about esteeming others better than himself? I have a hard time with that. I can't STAND people who think they're better than me, yet I often feel like everyone is better than me? So where's the black/white? I'm kind of tired of living in the grey. Again, with God, it's all or nothing. There is no grey.

Romans 12:3-"For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith". Ok... so don't think higher than I ought to think... so am I allotted an amount of "highly" to think of myself? Or is it just simply that I am to continue thinking of myself as lowly, and pray for others, and not concern myself with them not doing the same? Let God handle it?

I'm sure this all makes NO SENSE. These are, as always, just the ramblings of a forgiven but often times confused and searching Momma. God help me to hear what You have to say, and to trust You to lead me in the way that You'd have me to go.